Saturday, April 30, 2011


02/12/11 - A bit of rambling. All still true, if a little useless. 

How many have come before us?

We can rattle off those we know... but what about those we never knew existed? After all, even in this modern age of instant messenger and worldwide communication, only a fraction of us make it into The Community.

If He That Is was created by the internet as first believed, the number of victims could be anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand.

If He That Is falls back to the Old Kingdoms (or if He has Always Been), it could very well be that He has already broken and shredded hundreds of thousands, millions, or maybe even billions of people.

No matter which you believe, there is another name to add to the list tonight.

Reach, aka Raymond Shaughnessy.

He will be missed.

Sitting here tonight, glancing between my laptop screen and the window that frames the treeline He normally appears amongst, I can't help but let my thoughts wander over the Veterans and what torture they've either survived, or gotten claimed by. They have walked through Hell and now bear both the mental and physical scars of the fight. They hang on by the threads of their failing existences, desperate to find that next theory that could very well change everything. They run. They fight. They break, crash, and burn. They inspire and encourage. They oppose Him until they lose their minds, bodies, and, eventually, their souls... at which point the rest of the community is left to mourn in whatever fashion suits.

I'd imagine, somewhere, a Proxy will get a bullet between the eyes tonight.

It's not ENTIRELY "right", of course, but frustration is ever-mounting and Proxies do have a habit of... pestering, usually. Compulsions can overtake logic rather easily in times of grief.

We lash out.

We lash out... and take the place of those that fell.

The Community shifts.

We become the Veterans.

We become the new "Leaders" for the new "newbies" in the Community...

...and destroy ourselves in the process.

It's the fate of everyone who enters this Game. Once He's there, once he Sees You... it's sand in an hourglass. Just a matter of time until you earn your scars. Until you break. Until you become the next inspiration.

It's just how it is~


It seems so trivial to mention this now, but for anyone who was wondering about "Five things"...

A step on the basement stairs at work broke under my foot.

Thankfully, I fell forwards and not backwards, but I still managed to crack my head something good on one of the wooden steps. Swollen up with a nice gash, but barely any bruising since I don't bruise easily, thankfully. Just sore as hell. I knew the fact there were thirteen of the damn things was bad luck.

Yep, I have He That Is watching me from the bushes and I nearly get offed by a freak accident. Fuck my life.

That's it.

As for the other thing... another dream. Yes, I had another last night. No, I'm not going to post those anymore. They are rather useless. That is to say that it's yet another thing I want to hide. Cause I didn't like where they were going. They're barely nightmares... well, they AREN'T nightmares and I think that's what is confusing me most. Apart from a need to find that stupid "something," there's nothing that bothers me about them. At all. It's my home and where I used to live. The guy out in the field... could be a million different people. I'm tempted to try getting some crystals like what Kay suggests in her blog, but I don't know if that'll work. Like I said, they don't actually disturb me.

I'll keep writing them down as I have them, but I'll only write in here when I find some sort of meaning.


You know... sitting here, knowing my living Hell has only just begun, I can't help but laugh.

It was all supposed to be just a story...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

02/12/11 - A continuation of my previous dream. This got... so screwed up. There is a reason why I stopped talking about it. Doubletake mentioned it in his posts later on. I... promise I'll touch back to this too. Before the End.

...turned the corner and saw the short guy - young boy? - standing way off in the field, back to me. I shouted at him, screamed something I can't remember. He didn't turn - walkedd into the bush and disappeared. I ran after him, but didn't get too far. something struck me - i felt like I was leaving something behind that i shouldn't. i shouldn't. I turned my back and ran back to the barn, panickig. when i got inside, it had all changed inside. it was wrong. the old place maybe? maybe... could be there. old place, old barn. yes, it was the old place. There was the rope swing there. we used to play on that as kids. i glanced around me,seeing where all the cow stalls used to be and the pony stalls on the other side. could hear the pigeons in the mow. chickens out back. none of that mattered. I ran down the barn. alwayhs searching. there was soemthing i was mising. something i needed to find. it felt so damn IMPORTANT.

but i woke up. I still hav e that feeling in my stomach that i;m overlooking something.

stupid dreams.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Five things

Cracked my head on a staircase today.

If I hear one more person say I should do to the hospital, I will strangle them.

I can't take the glare of the screen anymore tonight.

I'm going to bed.

I'll explain tomorrow if I don't go into coma or die of an overdose of pills. Ha.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Third times the charm...

04/09/11 - I admit. It took a while before I got used to dreaming again. Having nightmares. Being put through His Maze. It freaked me out back then. I'm glad I don't wake into that pain anymore. 

So... yes, I got a little pissed off last night. That tends to happen when people don't leave me alone - I guess supernatural deities of creeperness fall into that category as well.

I would lie... but I think that goes against what the idea of this blog thing is supposed to be. I know of two people who are probably going to jump down my throat, but I need to use that other word... what's it called? Politicians never use it... ah! "Honesty"! That's the one.

So, in all honesty... I went outside to see Him last night. If there's one thing that's been consistent through all the blogs, it's that He That Is works very slow. He wasn't going to kill me. At worse, He would have tried to scare me shitless, because, as we all know, He tends to like to play with his food first. So, after I sort of... snapped at Sage (sorry about that...), I watched Him a while longer before heading outside. I brought my machete with me, even though I knew it would be useless. Still made me feel a bit more secure in my footing. Even if it wouldn't hurt Him, I don't think there was a point in going out COMPLETELY defenseless.

It was for nothing though. By the time I got outside, He was gone. my head had felt like it was splitting in two. I could barely goddamn see. After that... nothing.

I went to bed shortly after that. I woke up in my bed that morning with no memory of going back into the house. I was just... there.

Last night... I had the first dream I've had in over a year. I don't recall a hell of a lot... probably because I so rarely have them anymore. The details just slipped away.

Also, had a slight panic attack this morning. The pendant that I never take off was gone. Literally just... gone. It's not like it could just slid off - it's on too tightly.

I tore the house apart looking for it.

Then I found it.

Drapped over the arm of my stuffed bear, Zeddy.


He has a sense of humor.

Nice to know.

He must have taken it during the time I lost. I don't know why He would bother with it. I'm still sorting that out.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Not that I'm complaining BUT...

04/09/11 - I remember this. Very clearly. I remember being afraid for the first time in years. Not of Him. But of me. Of my reaction to Him. Of how He made me feel. I just... I felt things that no one ever mentioned in other blogs. I felt... goddammit, it wasn't fear. Why wasn't it ever fear...? I'll touch back to this in the future. It's too much to just... add in.

I was less than ten feet from you on Saturday.

You watched me.

You got in my head.

You found Val.

Then... you disappeared. Saw absolutely fucking NOTHING of you on Sunday.

Then we had today. Wonderful today.

Not that I'm complaining... but why the Hell are you staying so far away NOW?

Way out in the fields.

Along the treelines.

What the devil are you waiting for?



For the rest of you... I did my best to ignore Him today. I wanted to throw out some lines into the community (not really good at it, but hey). I needed to get into a threatening-match with Morningstar (that was actually rather amusing~). At a request from a friend of a friend, I also changed my blog background (Hi, Kay). But... fuck... I don't know how to handle this...

He's just out there. Waiting. Watching. Studying. Whatever the Hell he does.

It's like waiting for a fucking clock to tick down.

It's wearing on my ner-- ah, son of a...

He's out in the field again. I can see Him out the goddamn window...

What the HELL is He WAITING FOR?!


Goddamn... alright, so... had a long talk with Val. I... don't exactly feel "better" but I do feel... clearer if that makes any sense at all. She's upset, of course. Blaming herself, which I now have to somehow stop. I swear, sometimes she's just... too nice, you know? I deserve a fucking lashing and what do I get? Apologies. Seriously, hun, what the hell...

I nearly got her killed today.

I... would never have been able to live with myself if she'd actually...


If things had gone any differently today, Morningstar and I would have required some face-to-face time. Border crossing or not... I would have found the little bastard.

I'm too tired to get into details. Val will handle most of that, and I'll post my bits tomorrow or the next day or... whenever the hell. Just not now.

For now... I have been told I want to elaborate on what happened Saturday night. At this point... I guess it's the least I can do, right?

"As much detail as possible".... should I say what I was wearing too, hun~?



It was a normal day. It really, really was... up to a point. I did my normal routine. I got up, did the horses, went to work, came back home, and then I went to do the evening chores at around 8:30pm.

During my walk to the barn, though, things were... decidedly less than normal. By the time I got to the half-way mark by the woodshed, I could see the horses were spooked up about something. Once I'd gotten to the gate up at the barn, all five of them were freaking out - galloping like mad spirits all around their paddocks. Heads up. Eyes wide. Nostrils flaring. Snorting. Calling. Just... obviously distressed about SOMETHING in the area. Most of my horses are thoroughbreds, so they weigh between 900 and 1400 pounds each. Trying to manage the lot of them was NOT FUCKING FUN and it doesn't take long for things to get very dangerous. One wrong turn. One kick. That's all it takes to get killed. Really, they wouldn't mean to kill me... I would have just got in their way.

Like if some moron gets hit by a train. Same deal~

Anyway, I brought them in and went about my chores to settle everyone in for the night... or, at least, try to. They were all fired up - spinning around in their stalls and nickering/whinnying at each other. Kicked at the walls, rasped their teeth on the wood... just generally upset and therefore aggressive. I stayed there a while with them even after everything was done to see if they would settle and they did... a bit. I turned the lights off and went back to the house, deciding I'd come back later to check again. "Later" became around 11:30-something at night. I went back and found the barn a lot quieter than when I had left it. Still not exactly "normal," but close enough to let myself go to bed. So... I began wandering back to the house with my amazing little flashlight.

I'd only gotten about a quarter of the way back - half way to the woodshed - when I saw Him. My flashlight had only illuminated Him partly from where He stood just off the tractor path to my right, but it was enough to catch my eye and... and then I turned the full beam of my flashlight on Him. In that instant... I felt like something hit against me, THROUGH me even, and my breath was sucked away. My lungs immediately began to burn, contrasting with the hellish cold that I suddenly felt everywhere else. I was shaking, but I... I just couldn't take my eyes off His "face." I could see the impressions where His features SHOULD have been... but... I'm actually glad He doesn't have eyes. If He can pin you down with His gaze with a handicap like that, I would hate to see Him with two eyes to help......

Then... I began to snicker. I was terrified - SHAKING - and yet I dared to LAUGH?! Fucking hell, I know I'm insane, but that's fucking suicidal. I just... I couldn't stop myself. It was like a switch had been thrown in my head and I COULDN'T FUCKING STOP IT. I can remember so vividly how he tilted his head at me... and then the headache hit. It... goddamn, I haven't had one that bad in... maybe ever. It felt sharp - splitting my vision and all I could do was clutch my head in my hand. At that point, even in my half-deluded laughing state, I KNEW I had to get away.

He was between me and the house.

What did I do?

I pulled my eyes away from Him and I forced myself to walk towards Him. Laughing still, even as I bit my lip to try to stop. I could taste my blood.

Then... I past Him.

He watched me the entire time.

He never did ANYTHING but watch.

That walk seemed to last for an hour, but I finally got into the house. Everyone else was in bed, so with one hand clamped over my mouth to stop myself from making too much noise, I went to my bedroom and collapsed in bed - burying my head in my pillow so my laughter wouldn't wake anyone.

They wouldn't have believed me. They didn't even believe in the spirits I had grown up with.

I was... scared... scared that I'd never stop. I laughed until my lungs felt ready to collapse and my stomach ached. My head still felt like it had an axe buried in it all the while, worsening the harder I laughed. Or did I laugh harder when my head hurt more? Anyway... eventually, it all backed off and after I-don't-know-how-long I was left in the silent darkness of my room. I was sore and exhausted, but otherwise alright... apart from the nosebleed, but that was trivial compared to everything else.

It was then that I pulled myself together the best I could manage and tried to get a hold of Valerie.

It's now past the twenty-four hour mark, and I haven't seen Him since.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


"whos there, knocking at my window? The Owl and the Dead Boy. This niight whispers my name. All the dying children..."

"You're time has come. once and for all. You've met your match... you will fall..."

"I'm in control, I Am Your Pain... after this you won't be teh same..."

"Now the dark beigns to rise. Save your breath, its far from ove.r Leave the lost and dead behind... now's your chance to run for cover..."

"...terrified of what's inside, to save his life, he crawls like a worm from a bird.."

"....You're been infected by a socail disease... well then take your medicine!!"

"We can be like THAY ARE. Come on, baby, dont fear the Reaper..."

"....let the bodies hit the floor.. let the bodies hit the floro.... let the bodies hit the floor..."

Of all the nights for my ipod to choose to hate me... it had to be tonight.

godfuck what time is it even? 3? 4? I can't read the stiipid fucking numbers anymore.... hell,. I can barely read THIS. The only reason I'm posting at all is because I need... I need talk, and there's no one else. I've tried since 12:30-something to get ahold of Valerie... sent her an email and shit like that.... I even phoned her... but nothing. I don't want to get offline just in case she suddenly shows up, but wha's even the odds of that at this time of night? Neh i'm just avoiding the truth. The truth being that I'm fuckeda nd it's my fault. Yeah, I can own it. I just... I want to talk to Val. I can own this. I can own this mess. its mine. i made it... but I wanna talk to Val first. I haven't spoken to her in... a week... maybe more?

I need... to say "sorry" I guess.

Yah, cause thats gonna make it all fucking right, eh?

I should have listened. Fuckingshit hole I shOULD HAVE FUCKING LISTENED!!!!!1 i trust her with my life, but not apparently enough to stay away from soemthing that she TOLD ME to stay away from. yah, laugh if you want. I don't give a flying shit.

He's real.

son of a bitch, you.. you people.... you peaople from nowhereville... reading thsi or not reading this I don't even fucking care... you people have no idea how heavy those words feel. it's like the final; chop on the base of a tree that'll bring the hole goddamn thing crashing down to the ground. the final crack in a damn before the flood comes....


Just...... FUCK>

ad you konow something? i laughed. I saw Him and... and I just started laughing. I coudn't control it, i just... i couldn't control it. scared the shit out of me. i was shakingt - staring bakc at HIm like a fucking deer caught in the headlights. He just stared back at me - THAT FUCKING TILT THIGN!!!! godafuckit why is that so fucking CREPEY from Him1!?!? it just maed me laugh harder though... why was i even laughing at all?? what? am I the Comedien now??? "it's all one big joke" right? Fuck that, I'm not dying open scene... i mean, i'll die eventually. That always comes with this guy,r ight? but not yet. not really for that YET okay, Slendy? just back off... back off...

My stomach is still sore. even when i got bac to the house... i sitll couldn't stop. I went up to my room and laughed into the fucking pillows so not one else would hear me.they were all in bed by that poiint - still are. i didnt... i didn't even realize the nosebleed until later.. after the fitr had finally stopped and I could breathe again.

...i hope His "presence " or whatever tne hell doens';t hit me this ahrd everytime he comes to do his creeper thing... my head is still light and the glow of the computer is only making it worse..

I need sleep...

hun... where the hells are you?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Okay, you know what?

This isn't fucking funny.

It's not even a BIT funny.

I swear to fucking Lucifer himself that I'll rip out your guts with my bare hands, you son of a bitch. Yeah, I have long nails at the moment (all the better to tear you apart with, my dear). Really, 'claws' is probably a better description of them - they are pretty damn strong.

Just like me.

You don't have a fucking clue who you're trying to corner, buddy.

You think I'm all talk? Hm? That's funny, cause I think you're all smoke and mirrors.

Yeah, I know it's one of you. One of you fucking twats on the internet who somehow decided it would be fun to turn stalker-shit on me. You read my blog, and you choose ME, of all people?! I don't even have a word for that level of stupidity. I don't know how the HELL you got my info, but you'll regret it. Oh, sweet oblivion, you WILL. REGRET. IT. The plea "self defence" opens up a whole SHIT LOAD of possibilities for what I could do to you... and that's only IF I allow someone to find your body. Which, of course, they won't. After I'm good and ready, I'll dump your still-living mound of tattered flesh into the lagoon around the manure pile. Your very last seconds of life will be that of cow urine and liquid shit filling your mouth, throat, and lungs as you sink straight to the bottom. Sound good to you? I know it sounds FUCKING BRILLIANT to me!

What do you say, asshole? Wanna play~? I'm in need of a good laugh~


Yeah, peachy day, as the rest of you who may or may not be fucking reading this can plainly see. I have such a massive headache right now - I don't NEED some dickshit following me around thinking he's so fucking smart. I mean, I don't like people to begin with... and now I have to deal with this?! I LIKE MY FUCKING SOLITUDE, OKAY?! I like being left alone. I like being invisible. And you know what this prick is "saying" to me each time I see him by doing what he's doing?

"I see you."

I hate it. I don't WANT to be fucking seen, or noticed, or anything. Being noticed means having to deal with more attention, and more attention means more people.




More people just mean more headaches. Then that's not even to mention the fact that some internet creeper now has my actual address somehow. Yeah. Not happy about that even a little bit. My internet obsessions and my real life are NOT SUPPOSED TO MIX. Like I said before: real face vs public face. And I know the little shitter is from here, because this is the ONLY FUCKING PLACE ANYONE KNOWS I KNOW ABOUT SLENDER MAN.

No one has ever commented on here, but, really, that doesn't mean shit-all. I don't comment on other blogs, after all, but it doesn't mean I'm not keeping track.

Whoever this is, they're in for a whirlwind of pain. No, I'm not kidding. If you're reading this, you've read the other entries so DON'T QUESTION MY FUCKING LIMITS, ALRIGHT?! I know I made a promise... but I think Val would want me to tear this fool a new one~ It's not like I can actually tell her though. THAT would go over wonderfully.

"OMG! Did you get a look at him enough to ID him? What does he look like?"

"Neh. He wears a black suit all the time and I can never make out his face! Oh, and this has nothing to do with that Slender Man guy I promised I wouldn't look into, by the way~ ^^"

I'm being followed by a fucking cosplayer.

No, I'm serious.

A fucking COSPLAYER.

I thought this sort of shit only happened to the major nerds at the Anime Conventions? Trust me to hook and line a complete wackjob even from a simple blog. I mean, this must take talent. I should get an award - THAT'S what should fucking happen after all is said and done!

So, yeah, I'm guessing it was this fucker all along I've been seeing. Yes, yes, I'm fully aware that I've only posted two sightings but, you know what? My life is not run by this blog. I only posted the stuff that I thought was actually amusing... and I still think that last one was a statue. All in all, I've probably seen this dork... fuck... uh... there was the first time at the back barn, then I saw him standing by our bush along the side of the road, then I saw him way off between two houses outside of where I work...

Oh, for the love of crap... I just realized he knows where I work too. If he makes an issue for my boss, I'll strangle him with one of the $90 belts that I priced and stocked today. It would be a far classier way of dying than the prick deserves.

Okay, mental derailments aside, I think I've seen him three times now. Could be more, but three times that I remember taking note of. Four times if we're counting the church.

I'm really getting pissed off with this little game.

I think it's time I played some of MINE.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

You've GOT to be kidding me.

Could someone please explain to me... what the hell is so damn scary about death?


My mum is terrified of dying. One of my best friends is terrified of dying. Two of my "friends" are terrified of dying. One (that I know of) of my mum's friends is terrified of dying. I can honestly rattle off about eight other people just off the top of my head who I don't consider anything at all that are terrified of dying.

What. The. Hell. Is. The. Big. Deal.???

EVERYONE DIES. Okay?! Everyone and everything that lives, must die. Simple as fucking that. They don't call it the 'Circle of Life' for nothing. Go watch the Lion King for crying out loud - Mufasa explains it well enough to his little brat. It's ALL about keeping a balance. As humans, we already fuck up most things that we're involved in without even trying... but to try to avoid death? Are you fucking NUTS?!

Hold on, I'll rewind a bit here...

Apparently... some scientists are claiming... that within a span of twenty to forty years... we will have the knowledge and technology to make humans live forever.

Fucking. Immortality.


Like... this astounds me.

Abso-fucking-lutely ASTOUNDS ME.

Who in their right mind would want to be stuck in whatever life they have FOREVER?! Until the end of fucking time?! Which, really, probably would come shortly after this "miracle" hits the market because, let's face it, we all have someone we want to see dead. Wipe that option off the table, and we're likely to go batshit crazy... even more so than we are now. Running that certain prick over with your car just for the principle alone would get a little tiresome after a while when all they do after is brush themselves off and go buy their morning coffee. Honestly, some bright-spark of a country would probably say "fuck it" and start a nuclear war JUST to see what the hell would happen.

...Actually, that sounds like something I would do~

Crank up "Sound of Madness" as my soundtrack and just raise some Hell~ I can already think of one... two... THREE people who I know would be right there laughing like madmen with me. It's good to have some friends who are so close to my mindset~ Others try to claim a seat amongst my ranks, but I've flat out denied them. They aren't psychotic. They just claim to be because they're amused by those of us who actually are. I've only met one other person that can truly equal me... and he's fucking hilarious~


Getting back on topic... can no one else see that this is a very bad idea? How to explain this in simple tongue... have any of you seen the movie "Daybreakers"? Granted, they turned everyone into vampires in that thing, but the same vague idea stands with normal people. Eventually, you'd want to die and be unable to do so. I honestly cannot think of any other situation that would be more painful than that. It's like those people who are fully-paralyzed. You're trapped inside yourself and, no matter what anyone says, your life is completely out of your control.

By taking away our ability to die, you're actually taking away our ability to live as well.

Yeah. Now that's deep~

You know who it is that I find rather ironic that they fear death? Religious people. No, I'm not being mean... no more than usual, anyway. What I mean is... aren't they supposed to be covered? Their souls under insurance or warranty or whatever? That was the idea I got from the whole concept. Shouldn't it be us heathens who should fear the final curtain drawing shut? Since we don't really have a fucking clue what we're actually doing or what awaits us? Is it black? Is it cold? Is it just the abyss? Do we start over? I believe that latter. But religious people... don't they want to meet their maker, as it were? It honestly confuses me. These people actually fear an afterlife that they are currently preparing for. They supposedly already know what is waiting for them on the other side, and yet... they fear their prize after being good little boys and girls? How does that make even a lick of sense? Unless you haven't been good little boys and girls, in which case... sucks to be you, buddy~

Hm. Or is it more... that we fear dying and not actually death in itself? That we fear the process of? That these people fear in what manner they will make their final scene? How painful? How traumatic? How quick or slow? The 'foreplay', for lack of a better wording~

Yep, I just compared death to having sex.


Speaking of an impending gorey demise (I still love that song~), I thought I saw Slender Man again. Turns out it was a statue~ Stupid churches and their screwed-up windows... why must the church put a statue right in front of a goddamn window? I couldn't see it very well, but I'm sure that's what it was. Probably a statue of Jesus or whatever...

...And now I just compared Slender Man to Jesus. EXTRA BONUS POINTS~~

(I miss my Nintendo NES.... I wanna play Mario, dammit!)

You know, while writing this rant, I started thinking even more about death and, from there, my thoughts went to the death nightmares I had growing up. There were some pretty fucking intense things getting thrown at my young mind back then... and I remember so many nights that I'd cling to Zeddy for dear life and try to disappear with him. Zeddy was and is, of course, my old teddy bear. I still have him, but he sits on the top shelf above my desk now wearing my graduation hat - the All Seer of my room, if you will~

I've had Zeddy for as long as I can remember. He has grey hair/fur(?) that's just the right kind of softness/stiffness and these brown eyes that just look so damn thoughtful~ He came with a hat and a scarf, but I ripped those off when I was little cause they made him look like a dweeb. I also gave him a haircut when I was like... three or four... I have a vague memory of hiding behind the couch as I did it, in any case. THREE CHEERS FOR WEIRD KIDS. Anyway, his hair is about the third of the length it was supposed to be, but I STILL say he looks exactly as he should. Plus, he has whiskers~ My mum sowed on some brown string to make them because, apparently, he NEEDED whiskers to my little young mind. He's just... completely unique~ Not another one like him anywhere. It seems I made sure of that~

I was such a freak.

Not much has changed, neh?

I don't know why, but some of those nights when I had buried my face into Zeddy... when I would talk to him under the covers just to break that deafening silence in the night... they've been coming to the forefront of my thinking lately. I hadn't even looked at that stuffed toy for years, and suddenly things are now actually reminding me of how much I used to depend on him? Seriously. What the hell?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

It's Officially Official...

...I've been reading too many Slendy stories.

An impossible concept, to be sure, but, hey, I've done the impossible before!

For example: I've actually gone to church... once.

...Really, I'm surprised I didn't spontaneously combust upon entry.

Now THAT should have been impossible!

What I'm actually referring to through all those idiotic blabbering is.... I thought I saw Him this evening~

Yeah, no worries, I'm laughing too~

I guess this is what happens when an overactive imagination and an unstable mindset dives head-first into a pool of mind-warping paranoia. Top it all off with my usual work schedule and a nice side-dressing of stress... et voila~ Slender Man, for your viewing pleasure~

Really, I thought He would be taller~

I guess I might as well tell you about my THRILLING encounter with He That Is. As my readers-that-don't-exist-cause-no-one-is-reading-this-and-I-rather-like-it-that-way-because-it's-very-freeing-to-write-in-here-but-still-not-as-girly-as-some-fucking-diary, I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats with anticipation~

As I've mentioned before, my house is more or less surrounded by trees. There's a bush to the North, a bush to the South, a whole shitload of treelines that run along separating one field from another and acting as wind-breaks, and a healthy scattering of trees in the horse and cow paddocks. My horses - all five of them - take up residence at the Back Barn, while the cows obviously get the Front Barn. Very original names, neh? Anyway, the Back Barn is a good two thousand feet back from the house. Nice and isolated and a BITCH of a walk in the winter.

As per the norm, I do chores at night around 8:30pm... ish. They take about an hour to do, sometimes longer. Tonight I went back as I always do with our two dogs accompanying me, only tonight the trek was put to the soundtrack of the frogs in the pond screaming their little heads off in hopes of getting a mate - spring is HERE! FINALLY!

Anyway, I get to the Back Barn - an old hip-roof barn that was built a good hundred years ago - and start doing the chores as per normal. I turned on the lights, put down milk and food for the cats, mixed the grain for the horses, maneuvered around the dogs as they stalked the cats, brought the horses in, started giving out hay for the night... and that's when ALL the horses suddenly started acting nervous all at once. The whole lot of them started circling their stalls, snorting, and nickering a bit to each other. The dogs started growling and went to the door of the barn, hackles up.

Figuring something was outside, I grabbed my flashlight and went out. It was quiet now pardoning the dogs and horses, so I guess the frogs had decided to shut up. We have a spotlight at the front door, so I walked out to the edge of what was lighted and shone my little light around the surrounding fields. I was thinking I'd see a coyote pack or something like that - they don't bother the horses, but they can spook them and the dogs do get territorial. In any case, it's still good to know when they start getting up close.

In any case, I passed my light around... then, like a slap to the senses, the beam went across an unmistakable shape far out in the horse field. I immediately shot my flashlight back to that spot, of course, but my little hallucination had passed. He was gone.

It had only taken that split second and my heart was pounding so hard in my ribcage I thought I might have a heart attack there and then. I laughed at myself at that point, then went back into the barn and finished up the rest of the chores. I just got back from my little experience and decided to share my idiocy with my non-existent audience~

Heh. I swear, I must have done quite a number on my head to cook this one up. I freely admit to being insane, but this is the first time I've hallucinated something. Maybe I do need therapy... where's my bubble wrap...?

In any case, I'm taking a few days break of the Slenderverse. I've OBVIOUSLY been obsessing a tad too much.. which, really, just makes the whole thing even more hilarious~ Maybe I'll post a rant in a few days. No idea~

In other news... there is no other news~

Sunday, April 10, 2011


04/09/11 - An old theory when I thought it was still just a joke.

Heheh~ I never would have thought that my obsession with the Slender Man would bring me in a U-turn right back to an life-long obsession and, overall, my favorite historical time period....

Ancient Egypt~

Slender Man could have had His beginnings in EGYPT~

In case you can't tell... I would find that fan-freaking-tastic~! The culture of Ancient Egypt has always been an obsession of mine long before I even knew what the word "obsession" meant! Unfortunately, when Egypt was conquered by Rome *insertcolourfulswearinghere* a lot of the traditions and ways of the people were lost. It's a damn shame if you ask me. I get sort of... irrationally pissy on the subject. Despite "Gladiator" being one of my all-time favorite movies, I actually have a near-hate-like-vibe towards Rome for crippling Egypt and twisting the culture. Neither Upper or Lower Egypt were the same after that defeat. We lost so much history isn't not even funny.

Still, least it wasn't totally lost. Not like the Horse Whisperers in central Asia, I believe it was. All we know about them is that they had a spiritual connection to horses the likes of which the Gods themselves would have envied. They trained their animals so well, Rome gave them a choice. Either train horses for their army or die. They chose to die. They were dragged to death behind their own horses.

Yep. I get FUCKING PISSED when I think about shit like that. Some fucking high and mighty shitface thinking they can shove their weight around against the Little Guy. People like that deserve to get BEAT. DOWN.

Back to Egypt though. We really are fortunate, in a certain way that enough of the culture survived that we can pick and poke at it enough to figure out a thing of two. Like the Rosetta Stone. We were SOOOO lucky to have found that thing - otherwise we would be completely lost trying to decipher hieroglyphics today. With it, at least we have a hint of a chance in breaking the whole code one day. Just one symbol at a time...

Okay, so, Ava's last post. She pulled a plot twist out of her hat and I have to say that it's intriguing~ The more I think on it, the city of Herakleopolis, Egypt, sounds correct. It was, indeed, a city that was briefly made the capital of Lower Egypt during the First Intermediate Period which, to be frank, is a mess of a time period that no one can seemingly agree on what actually happened. It's ruling God was Heryshef who was also referred to as the "Bone Breaker" in the Hall of Judgement before the Gods and was associated with blood-driven rituals. He was actually worshipped at a few other cities too, but Herakleopolis was his center bed and hosted the temple built in his honor. Ava seems to have all her 't's crossed and her 'i's dotted~

One thing does bother me about this though... Hershef's name has always been drawn as:

But Ava (and I'm guessing Zeke too?) insists it is this:

It bugs me. 

Can anyone explain how she came up with this? Besides, you know, Zeke "finding" it in the Red Building.... and, for the record, he is now a MAJOR badass man of awesomeness~ He gets to join Redlight, Zero, and Maduin as my favorite bloggers/ whatever the Hell you want to call them~

Still, both Zeke and Ava now seem to accept Ancient Egypt as Slim Jim's heritage... which means that the majority of the community except those that still listen to Robert's dribbling will accept it (until he accepts it and then everyone will be just peachy~). Three cheers for sheep-mentality, neh~? Personally, I'm half-way convinced because I love Egypt and the concept of this beginning thousands of years ago is brilliant to me~

But there is one other thing that has me grinning.

See, when Egypt was first mentioned, I was more than a little doubtful. Slender Man has always (or "always" in terms of what is accepted as "reality" on the internet) been associated with trees. Runners and Fighters alike FEAR trees. They go out of their way to AVOID them... except M, of course, who apparently thought it a wonderful idea to become some manner of tree hugger and hasn't been heard of since, but I digress. Needless to say though... Egypt... is quite obviously lacking in trees. They do have them, but nothing like what our Man In Black is typically seen around.

Then the city "Herakleopolis" was mentioned.

And it clicked~

It wasn't a bunch of trees.

It was the Tree.

See, Ava didn't mention it in her post, but I already know. Herakleopolis, as a Nome, had a sacred Tree in the temple of Heryshef~ It was commonly referred to as the Southern Neret-Tree (or "neret khenet"). It's hard to say what kind of tree it was because it was more likely than not an import, but it did play a strong point in the rituals performed there in conjunction to the ram-headed God.

Read 20. UE. As in NOW.

If Hershef really is Slender Man... could this be the point of cross-over?

In what we know of Hershef, he was a God that the Egyptians held in connection with a nearby lake - NOT a forest.


According to Ava's blog, she's already tested the effects of water on the gunk coughed up by a proxy. The results were violent, but not destructive. Go read her blog if you want more info, because they are HER findings, not mine~ If you can't keep up with the class, just shut up until you can. Long story short: It doesn't like water.

Since Heryshef was worshipped all the way back into the first dynasty in Egypt, we'd have to assume that he was there already and that the Tree was brought to Him and started getting worshipped in relation to Him. A bond was formed. Heryshef now had a second connection... one which, if it is Slender Man, He has grown rather fond of~ Maybe... even to the point where he lost his connection to water?

Though it's all very interesting, I really don't get what the point is of taking the storyline down this road. In reality, there isn't much that can be learned from what's left. Lest we forget, a hell of a lot of the culture, customs, and artifacts of Ancient Egypt were either lost or destroyed as time wore on. Getting conquered didn't help *flips the Romans the bird* But, to be fair, I'd also have to send the Egyptians themselves a glare. Some of these people would have schooled modern politicians any day of the week when it came to being able to hold a grudge. It's actually a rather common thing to hear that one person would go to insane extremes in order to erase all proof of another's existence one stone chip at a time. After all, their belief was that if your soul couldn't recognize its face, then you wouldn't be able to remember your name. Without a name, a soul is not permitted to move into the afterlife for you must introduce yourself to the Gods when you were being Judged. It's only polite, after all~ If you erased someone, then that soul...........


...Could Slender Man be a trapped soul? Someone who was erased? SOMEONE WITHOUT A FACE OR A NAME??? Holy crap, that is.... that's possible... what if that was His beginning? What if He started off as a Pharaoh... or even a Priest? Souls live forever and belief creates reality, so if His soul got trapped because someone tried to erase Him... He wouldn't be able to get around it. Then the stories would start. People start twisting what happened to suit the purpose and turn Him into something... unnatural. An abomination. A demon. Eventually, the stories and thoughts collect together, compound, and He becomes mutated by it. He becomes what the world believes He is.

The first thoughtform.

Of course. OF FUCKING COURSE. There is NOTHING on the planet or off it that can be created from nothing! Everything is equal exchange - tit for tat, dit for dat! This is no different! Shit, I always believed that thoughtforms were possible through collective thoughts, but I honestly never liked the idea of making a living/immortal something out of next to nothing. Now I get it. I finally GET it!

One doesn't just create a thoughtform...

You morph one.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I saw my very first Operator Symbol yesterday on my way home from work... so, on my way to work this morning, I grabbed my camera to take a picture of it.

Cause I have no shame in being a dork.

As long as we specify it to "Insane, possibly-homicidal dork."

It was enough to get a double-take out of me~

And anyone who questions my Canadian nationality because of the Union Jack in the background will get a deserved boot up their ass. No one questions my loyalty to Tim Hortons! NOBODY!!! ......Then again, call it an American flag and I may just have to cut out your tongue... and then shoot you... and then shoot your tongue~ We burnt down their White House the last time they tried to invade us. We have POWER in RANDOMNESS! ...Nowadays, that would be considered a terrorist act, wouldn't it~?

And there you have it: Canadians are terrorists.

Lets get that on Wikipedia - majority opinion rules all!!!

Really though... I think this is really cool~ Presumably, whoever drew this can't draw circles, so they improvised. I can relate. I'm horrible at drawing circles... always lands up as a demented egg... I hate demented eggs...

...You really have no idea how badly I want to write "Sees me" on this sign. Just to fuck with people's heads~

Especially the general public.

Because this sign so happens to be right smack-dab in the middle of our quaint, little village.

And now I really can't help but wonder... if there is anyone else who sees this and appreciates it for the symbol of death and insanity that it truly has become... stupid stop signs. Why should I have to stop, dammit?! I'm running late most of the time, for crying out loud! ...Well, techniquely it's a sign to warn that a stop sign is coming up but whatever. All amounts to the same damn thing.

As for the 'x'... I don't know. Probably just some graffiti artist with no imagination once or ever.

In the Slenderverse though... there is plenty of debate about what the Operator Symbol is actually capable of. My view is simple: it is viewed as powerful by the entire community - that gives it strength - but it is the mind of each and every single player that programs that strength for themselves when they are around it. Basically, if you believe 100% it summons He That Is, then it'll summon Him, and, on the flip side - if you believe 100% it repels Him/ hides you... then it will repel Him/ hide you. Why is this? That is also simple. Symbols are something easy to focus on - hence why companies use logos - and can be influenced by the human mind. Think of it like an optical illusion. One person sees one thing, while someone else sees something else entirely. Both are right, but for themselves - not the other person. On the third side of the equation though, if you can think of the Operator Symbol as working both ways... then it will probably do nothing at all.

And with that... I think I just made a White Elephant.


Robert is a moron.

Redlight is AWESOME~! His mind is just... wow. It facinates me.
So, in conclusion... what do you see the Operator Symbol as?

The eye that will hunt you?

...Or the shallow hope to hide you?


......Hate me yet~?

Monday, April 4, 2011


You know... I was planning to let this just drop. I was planning to just let my thoughts boil silently... but you know what? FUCK IT~ I made this blog for a reason: To rant. While this isn't the intended subject nor really a rant, per se... I don't care at the moment. I can't comment on the blog directly otherwise Val will definitely find out that I broke our little deal... so here will just have to do.

I finished "A Hint of Serendipity" - Zero's blog in the Slenderverse. I was a little disappointed to read in "Zero Hour" that he was most likely killing off his character, but instead of really giving it much thought past 'oh, damn', I just went to his profile to see what blogs he had been paying attention to (I've discovered that's a good way to find the nooks and crannies of this community)... and I found his new blog: "The Last Refuge of a Dangerous Man." Mood at that point? Pleased. He was "alive" (aka: didn't abandon the project) and his character had become twisted to the point of being nearly unrecognizable in every way, shape, and form. Good plot development~ Especially the part about going after Runners... harvesting a bone from their corpses, hm? Though it came as a bit of surprise Zero would opt for such a brutal approach, I'd be more likely to believe THIS could work than giving Slendy a twenty dollar bill. Like... seriously. Why must it be Runners though? Why not Proxies? He said it himself that he wouldn't feel bad for killing those off. Meh, Zero's always had a taste for the dramatic flare~

Really, Zero (or should I say Zerosage?) comes off as a bit of a religious nut at the moment, but he's still awesome in my books.

Now, while I would love to tear a new one on some of the commenters on that blog for their idiocy, I have a different purpose for this post.

I have a MESSAGE FOR ZEROSAGE DIRECTLY, should he happen to stumbled across my pathetic little blog here sooner rather than later... slim chance, but, hey, I need this. For simplicity, I've copy and pasted the comments below that are most relevant.

zerosage said... How can I trust you? You did...things, or claimed you did. You 'healed' wounds, you say. Your friend summoned a fucking devil, or claims therein. I think you're both mad. As for Kay, perhaps she was drugged, I've learned that jade can tell if someone is tainted. I don't need it to know you two are doing things you shouldn't.

Hakurei Ryuu said... I did things that anyone can do with the proper knowledge, preparation, and skill, and so did my friend. There is nothing mad about me, although I cannot speak for Amalgamation, as he makes no claims at sanity. In fact, he disclaims it at every opportunity. It is my opinion that the only way to keep moving foward is to do the best we can to help the largest number of people. You can trust me or not, as you like, but I'm not going to stop trying to make you see reason. I would like to help you, Zero, if I can.

There was a bit more, but this works fine enough. So, Zerosage... you think Hakurei is insane for use of her 'healing abilities' in her blog? The ones she used to partly heal the wounds of 'Kay'? Heheh, well, I hate to burst your bubble... but I know for an absolute fact that the abilities Valerie used in her RPG/fanfic thing are quite real. Why shouldn't she use her full capabilities in your little Slenderverse? She is playing as herself. And 'herself' is rather... purifying~

I should know.

She healed me.

I know you don't believe me. Right now, your character isn't believing anyone, so why should you yourself? Probably a smart thing, considering what you've labeled your objective as. But, for a few moments... humor me and read along~

I first crossed paths with the username 'Hakurei Ryuu' on in 2007. She had excellent writing skills for character development... but not so much so with action. I was vice versa. After a few comments back and forth, we exchanged emails to help each other out with our admitted weaknesses. At this time, writing was my only real release, so I welcomed a chance to improve what I could do and push the boundary more with my angst/horror/suspense stories. Looking back at it, I'm surprised she liked my story enough to read it to begin with. Torture, gore, and angst isn't really Val's thing~

We're polar opposites. Black to White. Negative to Positive. She challenged me on every ground there was without actually challenging me. She let my own head do the footwork, she just made the initial impression to get things in motion. Her way of thinking was so totally strange to me. I couldn't understand how someone could be so... light. At first I tried to labeled it as 'naive' but... it was clear right from the start that she was a hell of a lot smarter than I was. Hell, she was going to school to be a psychologist, for crying out loud! She knew what she was talking about. She accepted the fact that humans were capable of horrible things... but maintained 100% of the time that we were all generally good people. That no one was a lost cause. That we could all be helped. That we should all TRY to help.

She just... confused the living shit out of me.

She pushed me to rethink what I'd made into fact in my head. She always accepted me as me - dark, twisted, insane - but, at the same time... she would ask me to consider different points of view. She would talk about her friends every once in a while and I could tell from talking back and forth how much some of them drained her. She gave her everything into friendships. That was yet another thing I couldn't understand for the life of me: How giving she was. I had believed for so long that Valerie's "kind" didn't exist anymore. Humans are barbaric and cruel - no one cares about anyone anymore! And yet... Val did. But she didn't only care for victims... she cared for the predators too! The people that caused the pain! She would talk about how much pain people like that must be in to want to hurt someone else...

I was bridging on being one of those predators... and she felt compassion for those thoughts?

Valerie... is one of those special souls who light the darkness with their presence alone. I was so consumed in my own darkness and rage back then... that I know for a fact today that I would be dead if Valerie had not been there - if she'd not challenged me. She pulled me from my depression and my rage OVER THE INTERNET and healed some of the wounds over my soul. I'll say that again: wounds on my soul. Think about how the body can heal itself in time. Think about it. The soul is a hell of a lot different. To heal it takes a hell of a lot more than patching together some little cuts~ Hakurei Ryuu is a Healer. A true, honest Healer.

And, before you start arguing that written text doesn't have that kind of power... tell me again how our beloved Slender Man was created~? Words have power. Spoken or written. Period.

I made a promise back then to not give in to my own violent desires.

I made a promise to forgive and let the pain go.

I made a promise... to try to help others like she helped me.

I'm still dark.

I'm still insane.

I still have desires.

But I'm not depressed anymore.

I'm not lost anymore.

I like who I am.

I'm starting to trust people.

I'm starting to feel a bit more than I used to.

I've made a few friends.

And it's all because of Valerie. No one else but her could have cracked my shell. No one else could have pulled me out of the spiral I was in. She reached me because she is Light. And if she can do that to someone over fucking emails... I for one would love to see what she is capable of in person.

She wants to help you, Zerosage.

You can deny her... but you know what the kicker is? As long as you read what she writes, she'll be reaching you. Just like she did me.

...And you're not even going to realize it~

Friday, April 1, 2011

Guess what?

30/08/11 - April Fools... in more ways than one.

I'm the Pope~


No, actually, that's not funny. I'm completely lying. Everyone knows the Pope is Darth Sidious.

In all actuality...

...I'm simply standing outside your window.


...I really like the carpet, btw. Oh, no, wait, that's just the skin left over from your dog... *frowns* ...maybe it was your uncle? Either which way, it was bald and hairy at the same time and I decorated the tree outside with its entrails~ Least you have a lovely rug to remember him by! ...It was a her? Damn. Genetic fuckery is a fucker.

April Fools day is indeed an amusing holiday-but-not-really-a-holiday~ I just use it as an excuse to not make a lick to sense.

...Which really doesn't differ it from any other day, but I dontta carra~

So! Speaking of not making any sense... who the fucking HELL has a headache for almost THREE FUCKING DAYS IN A ROW??? Yes, that poor soul would be me. Somewhere, somehow... I think I must have made the Michael Jackson fanbase cry. They are, after all, the only ones capable of attacking me like this. THEIR POWER IS UNQUESTIONABLE! Unlike MJ's home planet~ (bud-da-bum!)

That's right - ET never really went home, people~

And he was still touching little boys up until the very end!

Such a trooper~

IN OTHER NEWS. Slenderman was nearly KOed by my apparent short attention-span~ I watched all of Marble Hornets like I said I was going to in my last post... whenever the hell that was. I have to say, the paranoia is a neat kick to the senses~ Certainly helps that my house is practically surrounded by trees~ The guy they got to play Mr. Tall, Dark and Faceless did a REALLY good job. He kinda walks like a reaper, don't you think? ...Not that I have ever met the Reaper... that would be cool... sadly it's just myself, Lucifer, Satan, and Keyser Soze who get together every Sunday for tea and biscuits. This is a shout-out to you, Reap! Come and join the Dooms Day Council~ If nothing else, it's fun watching Soze try to set Satan on fire~ Plus we watch Invader Zim! Now you can't possibly say 'no'~

Anyway, so, yes: Slenderman in Marble Hornets was good. Masky (it's Jim Carrey!) was good. The storyline was... bleh. Dull. Repetitive. It didn't really... I don't know. It's still going for an episode in the far away future that ties at the loose ends together, I guess. In the meantime: SHOW MORE SLENDY ACTION DAMMIT.

I almost stopped there - figuring Val was right that I wouldn't be that interested - but then... THEN I found EverymanHybrid~ Oh ho, now THAT is wicked! Starting off as a parody only to throw yourself in as "real"?! Epic~ Just... epic~ I was hooked from episode one, when you KNEW it was a spoof and it just got better with each upload. THE BASEMENT. That shadow moving in the background in the basement?! Whoever thought of that shot was a genius~ And Evan looked so confused too... I like Evan. He's nuts~ The only thing I have against Hybrid is that their Slenderman isn't as convincing as Marble's. They still get some kickass shots though. Like when they were looking around that old school or whatever it was? Hehe, me liked~

While I'm waiting for the next release in one of those, I do have TwelveTribes on standby. I tried watching a bit of it... but it really makes me want to bash my head into a concrete wall until my brain matter has the consistency of pudding. I've sort of put it off...

Cause I've been on a blog-binge~ Unfortunately I can't really 'watch' any of the blogs using Blogger because if Val checks my profile (told her to stay off my blog, doesn't mean she won't check up on my profile in case she's not as trusting in me as I think she is), I'm further off dead~ So, I have them all faved on my computer instead. There are a shitload of them out there - I still have a hard time believing the vastness of the community. There have been SOOOOOO many times so far that I've been dying to leave a comment - to take a stab at a riddle or a question or just yell at some idiot who is bashing someone I actually like... but, again, I value this staying my dirty little secret~ And so I shall be as a fly on the wall~ Blending perfectly into ever fiber.... oh, wait, that's a cameleon...

"My blender's broken!"

...and I'm still amused by MorningStar to no end. His April Fools post made me laugh - AND HE'S AN INVADER ZIM FAN. I don't think it's possible for me to like a comic relief villain anymore than I like Star right now~ Well, he could stop threatening my best friend, of course... but Val can handle his antics. She handles mine and, from what I've seen, MorningStar is still a few levels below me in Insane Epicness. Plus she has that Sage guy. I should read his blog sometime too...


I'm not... exactly what you would call 'proud' of going behind one of my best friend's backs. I still don't really understand WHY it's such a big deal for her but... I don't know. I guess it's too late to say I don't want to hurt her, hm? I know nothing stays buried forever. Eventually something will slip and she'll find out and I'll feel like a piece of garbage... but we'll get through that~

In the meantime, I have officially wasted too much time updating this when I could be continuing "A Hint of Serendipity"~