Monday, May 30, 2011

Not even ONE?

06/12/11 - Yeah, I lost it a bit. I guess the pressure He put on me finally blew a fuse or two. What can I say? Sorry? I can't be sorry for this. I was mad. No, worse than mad. I was enraged. I was caught up in a rage that had no target. It just Was. And it Was because that was His will. He needed me angry. Needed me unfocused. Wish granted. I thought maybe... if I got you guys mad at me. If I got to let off some steam somehow... I'd be okay. I wasn't thinking clearly. If that's not obvious...

Not one of you has anything to say? Nothing?! How.... how is that... even possible? Sage, Thage... I insulted both of you (former more than the latter, but still), and neither of you have even ONE word for me? You have EVERYTHING to throw at me and you just LEAVE it? WHY?

Nineteen Followers. Nineteen. NONE of you have anything to say? Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with you lot? You love throwing your opinions around, but not at me? You'll yell at a Proxy or Zero or whoever the hell else until you're blue in the face (or hands?)... but you take what I throw without protest? WHY? The stupid page-viewer thing is probably at the highest it's ever been... but nothing? No thoughts? No insults? No promises of my soul burning in Hell? Not even a fucking jab in the side from you, Morningstar? Fucking proxy - do your job already! You're supposed to make people feel WORSE, aren't you? You're FAILING your Master, you prick!

YELL AT ME! Scream, goddammit! Rant! Throw my words back in my face! Make me feel what I'm supposed to! Come on, don't let me down here. I need this. I NEED IT, UNDERSTAND? I need to get in an argument! A need a goddamn fight - a NEED one!!! Come on, already.... I need a kick to the head. Please, okay? I said "please"! Blame me for your parents divorcing. Blame me for the death of JFK or Hilter being born. Blame me for the release of the Blair Witch Project, for crying out loud! I don't care what it's about, just argue with me! Any of you! I thought I'd get something from Thage or Sage.... but any of you will do fine.

I just... I need an argument. Just this isn't enough, I need this to be two-sided here, guys, come on. You hate me, don't you? You hate my guts, you hate my thinking, you hate how I yell on here... use it. Use your anger and lash out at me. Get it off your chest. I need it, okay? I need it...

I shouldn't be this angry. Everything pisses me off... more so than usual. I'm gritting my teeth and clenching my fists until my fingernails cut into my hands JUST to get through a day without ripping someone's head off. They don't even deserve it. I know they don't... which is why I'm trying to hold it in. Do you get it now? I need a vent. It's why I originally made this goddamn blog, remember?! I NEED A VENT. I need to DIRECT this at someone... someone who can take it and fire back...

That's why I chose you two. Thage. Sage. I knew you could take it. I knew you'd fire back twice as ruthless... or, rather, I thought I knew.

That's how I made it through today without trying to kill Christian or snapping at Hailey's millions of questions and her goddamnn colourful Slender-Art. I thought I was coming home to some relief. I was wrong... and now I'm just... I don't even goddamn know anymore. Three-quarters of what's been happening, I haven't been talking about. What I have talked about, no one cares to even....

Not even you, Hakurei? Hun, I haven't spoken to you in over a week. Please contact me. I know you're upset and probably disappointed in me.... but I've been worried about you. Don't block me out. Please.


Fuck me. Fuck me and fuck you, Black King. You're not taking anyone else from me. You're not getting Hailey or laying even one of those skinny, long-ass fingers of yours on Tanya. They're MY friends. MY family. Just like you're not getting Hakurei either. I hauled in help with this right now because I knew I didn't know enough to set a defense. I couldn't protect Bogie from you, but there sure as Hell won't be a repeat of that.

My hunting knife - was my brother's, now it's mine - is ready, you know. Bogie's spirit is part of it now, and he wants to pay you back for what you did to him. So do I. The one bone broke, but this one worked out. Bogie is going to get another hit on you if you don't back the fuck off, so go pester someone else for a while... 

He That Is... you do realize what Bogie's full name, Baggataway, means, don't you?

"Little Brother of War."

I named him it when I got him because he was really my lovable jerk. He was always picking a fight with the other horses. With me. With anyone. Now it's you. He'll help me protect those I care about - my "herd" I guess you could say. He'll help me hurt you.

While I finished my offensive, Chris went through Tanya's house today to set some sort of defensive. I drove him there. We talked a lot - a lot more than I would have preferred, honestly. Asking questions. Always questions.... and it doesn't help that I don't like the guy to start with. We've never gotten along. There was just... always something about him that I felt wrong about, but, what do I know? I thought the same thing about Bridget, and she's one of my best friends. Actually, she's the one who helped me track down Chris. The bugger has a certain ability to drop off the face of the planet when he so chooses, but, after a day of not being able to even find a trace of him, I stepped a line I didn't want to and called up Bridget - my oldest friend, the same one who helped me with the issue of the "presence" in my house. Bridget herself would know enough to try to help with Tanya, I'm sure, but I won't include her. She doesn't deserve that death penalty - it's bad enough that Tanya and Hailey got involved; It's bad enough Hakurei was involved before I was - though thankfully she seems to be escaping His notice so far. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth with THAT one.

Chris is the one Bridget goes to for advice - someone who's soul is even "older" than her own - so it is he that I wanted. I planned to be vague. I don't need him to be "infected" as well, but it was for nothing. He knew the second he saw me. He sees auras and energies and such - I honestly don't know much about it other than the fact mine is apparently drawn very close to my body. I guess I'm not that "open" of a person, but I already knew that.

His exact words when he opened the door: "By the Gods... I can feel Him through you..."

Lovely greeting, no? I made him clarify who "Him" was before I would say a word on the subject, of course. Apparently I'm... marked in some way. Christian (he HATES his full name. He says I always say it like I'm labeling him as part of the religion. He's even less loving of the church than I am.... though he actually has a very good reason.) has always said that he hasn't liked me from the first time he saw me - but, whatever I was before, it's much worse now. Chris actually doesn't know a hell of a lot about Slender Man. Didn't even know about the online community.... but he's seen the Black King's... "handy work." I'm apparently the first actual living Runner Chris has come across, though I'm not actually running yet...

Anyway, I don't think there is one spot in Tanya's duplex that was overlooked. Chris went through it top and bottom. All kinds of herbs and mixes and symbols and even some mental-stuff. Seals, I guess they are. Like I've said, this isn't my forte. Most of what he chatters about goes right over my head.... but Bridget trusts him, so I will too.... mostly.

No idea if any of it will work, but at least it's something. We're TRYING. I'd try anything at this point...

Come on, guys. If you can't help me with Hailey, at least take a paragraph and chew me out. I deserve it, don't I? Take a stab at me, I know you want to... see if you hit a main artery.

In Response

02/12/11 - And here goes the beginning of the end. It's nearly funny actually... reading back on all of this, I can see all the little slips. I can see myself gradually getting angrier... and yet, I thought I was hiding it so well.

Blogger still won't let me comment around so... I'll just make a post out of it. What the hell, right?

Hakurei, I am so relieved you're alright. I was getting worried when there wasn't an update.... guess I should sign into instant messangers more than I have been, hm? Congratulations, guys! You're an excellent team.

Now to some more unpleasant responses........
Some of you agreed with my choice with Becky, some of you didn't. I know Hakurei is upset with me but... I'm not her. I never claimed to be. I'm not you either, Sage, and, really, the name-calling is just childish. Grow up. Do you actually think that sort of approach is going to get me to straighten up and fly straight and all that crap? Hm? "Do better next time"... is that an order, sir? Fuck you. You're title is going to your head already, I see. AmalgamationSage: The New Robert. I can see it now.

Ladies and gentlemen... if you believe in a God, better start praying.

Jesus Christ.

Black Hawk, Mystery, Eternity... thank you for your level input. It's appreciated.

And then... some newer readers: Thage and Naomi.

Thage, for being so smart, I find it hard to believe that you'd resort to labeling. Really? I'm "trying to sound like a badass"? I killed a kid earlier in the week. Murder. I sacrificed her to the Slender Man to save my best friend's kid.... and I'd do it again if put in the same situation. That qualifies as "trying to be badass" to you? If I wanted that, don't you think I would have lied? Made up some fantastic story where I saved Hailey and Becky and also rescued a Granny from a burning building while discovering the cure for cancer? I'm not trying to be anything. I know I'm a nothing, a nobody. I'm not a piece on your chess board. I'm not someone to look up to and, if you do, might I suggest some therapy? It might help. No, I'm just me, Thage. I'm trying to tell the truth - something that's not easy for me to start with. I honestly don't give a flying fuck what any of you think of me at the end of the day cause, guess what? You're a username on a screen. That's it.

Label me if you want to. "Goth" is a new one, I must admit. It's not me though - too much makeup and weird-ass clothes. I'm a farm girl - think 'ripped jeans and a grease-smeared t-shirt with a farmer's tan and knotted hair.' That's me. Sorry to screw with your mental-image on that one, but now I have one of you as one of those brainy snobs from high school that looked down their noses at everyone around them. Labeling. Judging. Crushing. Good times. I'd say that makes us about even then, yes?

What is it with all you people and your titles? Your labels?

Proxies. Agents. Hollowed. Runners. Fighters. Sages. Heroes. Guardians. Mystics. Hermits. Sorceresses. Sorcerers. Witches. Lords. Ladies. Good. Evil.

Feel like I'm back in high school.....

Naomi... why can't you kill him yourself? Need someone as a shield? He's wandering around Eastern Ontario. Go and get him.


Actually, that reminds me. I nearly forgot about the insignificant one. Morningstar? Not sure if I should be pleased you support what I did or not but... for the other comment you made? Go to Hell.


For those of you who actually give a shit: I found Christian. I went to see him yesterday. After some arguing and name calling and some comments that made a chill go down my spine. He agreed to help, so we're setting down everything he has today. Would the lot of you PLEASE stop judging me and try to actually HELP Hailey??? Any suggestions at all. I'd message Zerosage if I could, but I can't comment so... FUCK. She's THREE, okay? Stop focusing on me and realize that there's a bigger issue here than whether or not I have a moral center. None of your business anyway.....

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I hate kids.

That could have gone worse, I think. No, you do not get snippets of the conversation - why? Because Spikes doesn't want me to. Simple. I will tell you that I am still at her house (three cheers for not getting thrown out on my ass) and she's only called me crazy about thirty times.

Believe it or not: that is not a record.

Still not certain if she entirely believes me, but Spikes won't have a choice sooner or later. He's coming back for Hailey, that much I'm certain. I'm beginning to think that He's been doing more than visiting in "reality" though - the kid has been drawing pictures that look like they come right out of a Runner's notebook. No words, of course, but the bad drawings are dead-on. You know the kind - the ones you have to squint at and turn sideways before you go "oooooooooooooooooh.... oh.... damn."

Actually, I think Hailey's drawings are clearer than most. Ha.

She doesn't seem to be all that scared of Him. The tone of the drawings is almost like... He's a friend? An imaginary friend? Like that song on youtube that's so high-pitched it's almost meant for dogs. Is that what we all have growing up? Him? Not sure I like that thought. Good thing it's farfetched.


She just handed me a picture. Said it was her, me and "Tall Man." I, uh... did ask her where "mommy" was in this thing. She just said "Tall Man says mommy can't come. But Mishowwl can!!"

I hate kids.

I'm borrowing Spike's scanner. You guys have got to see this shit...

.................I hate kids.

Most. Colourful. Slender-Art. Ever.

YAY we're BODYLESS! Don't we look fucking happy, eh? Yeah, and Spikes doesn't believe me. Sure, sure.

At first I thought something was getting dumped on us, but I'm thinking now that they're supposed to be trees? That makes a bit of sense, right? The circles and the scribbles are... artistic flare? I don't know. I'm a bit of an artist myself (though not very good), but I've always sucked at decoding child scribbling.

"What a nice flower you got there."

"It za turtle!!!!"

"...Of course it is..."


Amber Alert is still on every channel and radio station. I've made no attempt to avoid it. They have the mum and dad talking now, pleading for some kidnapper to bring dear Becky home. The mother cries a lot. The father has an angry tone that he's obviously trying to tone down for negotiations sake. Little do they know how pointless their efforts are. Becky's not coming back. That's fact. I haven't told Tanya yet that the Slender Man was responsible for the disappearance... she'll probably figure it out eventually, anyway.
Alright, well... fuck all this. I don't care if Tanya isn't entirely on-board with the whole Slender Man idea - I'm not letting Hailey become the next Amber Alert. I'm going to contact an Old Soul I know. I was hoping to not have to do this because he's going to do nothing but bitch at me (we don't really get along - he's a friend of a friend) but... sorry, Chris - Ol' Mitch is tracking you down.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I've never rooted for the hero. Ever.

It has never mattered whether it's a comic, a manga, a novel, a tv show, an anime, a movie... it's always been the villain who I wanted to see rise above all the rest. Hell, even in video games I preferred the "evil" characters over the "good" ones you were supposed to be playing. Good ol' Pokemon, for example. Oh, yes, I'm going there for a just a sec~ I had all the old school games for the Nintendo Black and White GameBoy and the original GameBoy Colour..... and I would have given my eye teeth to be able to join Team Rocket.


The answer is always the same.

"Good" always got on my nerves. Too judgemental. Too hypocritical. Too optimistic. Too idealist. Too shallow-thinking. Too well-liked.

"Evil" on the other hand... was usually the underdog in terms of popularity; The characters usually had rather out-of-the-box thinking; They could make a choice when proposed with one - not waste time and energy chasing the impossible; They had accepted long ago that the world is a harsh place and friendship and rainbows aren't going to protect you from the crap that'll get thrown your way; They had more interesting backgrounds... and, when they hadn't been given such, you could MAKE interesting backgrounds that would explain why they are the way they are. In any case, it always proved to be a very amusing ride to "get to know them."

I find myself fascinated with Slender Man, personally. Annoyed and pissed to hell, yes, but still rather fascinated. One tall mystery after another and, I don't care what the hell the rest of you say, He's goddamn smart. As in Redlight-level of smart. Why do you think the Second in Command has to be as brilliant a mastermind as what he is? It's because his BOSS is just as bad. I dare you all: Mock Him. Zeke did it and nearly died - saved by... Kiera? I think? Hard to keep things straight nowadays.... anyway, I did it by going out to see Him that night I posted that message of WTF, and... yeah, well, I wouldn't classify that as "going well." If the rest of you really think He's such a fool...... then test it. The Black King awaits. Why not? Afraid to die a few months earlier than planned~? Ha.

And now we're back into the curse of the Three Sages. Do you know what the true definition of insanity is? It's doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result. Core Theory DOES HAVE PROMISE, but it's failed TWICE. I swear, if it were up to me, Hakurei would not be involved at all. The other two... well, don't really care, to be honest. They can do what they want.

But... Three Sages... where is the darling Hero? Still MIA?

I've noticed around the blogs.... that so many of you seem to want to play that Hero role. I suppose we could blame the Elephant Man and Core Theory for practically breeding this mentality, but it would have been there anyway. After all, Slender Man is the ultimate archnemesis, yes? And the Proxies prancing around like the typical useless army of idiots that they are... well, that just seals the deal, hm? Zero is the most obvious example of this little trend, tied with dear ol' Robert. Zeke has now decided it's up to HIM and HIM alone - he was badass until that point. Seriously, age makes a difference here, Zeke? Really? Reach was always willing to throw himself at the enemy with no plan once or ever in order to buy time for someone else to get away - admirable, but certainly has that flavour of Hero, hn? Sage (now a name and a Title) does his thing to save the world, astral plane or not. Then there's Kay and Hakurei... heh... banishing the madness one tainted mind at a time, eh, guys? Love ya, Hakurei, but it still has that tone of "Save The Day," yes?

What I can't understand for the life of me... is why?

Why play the Hero?

You'll only die sooner.

You'll only have it harder.

You'll only cause more grief to those around you.

Ever hear the phrase: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease"? Well, in this case, it's "the one who makes the most trouble gets to be the most gory Christmas decoration ever."

And then of course there are some of you seem to think that it's "Heroes" - as in we all are. Insert a groan here, please and thank you. Seriously. We are ALL the Heroes? Someones been watching too much Disney. BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP~!!! I can see it now: Rainbows will be Slender Man's bindings and Fuzzy Kittens will lick Him to death! Such a glorious victory for mankind!

...I think I just scarred my own blog.

Slender Man will slaughter you and, frankly, it would ease the headache caused by reading that level of dribble.

No, there is only one Hero. One person who the Community follows and cares for more than anyone else. One person who will face Slender Man and die. One person who will cause a wave through the Community so strong that could very well wield enough anger and conviction to finally defeat Him - if only by sealing, if not death - and stop the cycle. One person. That's it. Who is that One? Fuck if I know. I don't really like anyone so it's hard for me to say. Spin a bottle?

Don't read me wrong here: I'm not claiming a damn thing.

I'm no Hero. Not even close. Nor do I want to be. Hell, I don't want any title at all.

If I was a Hero... or wanted to be one... I would have never let Him take her today. But I did. I watched and did nothing. Hell, I was somewhat relieved. After all, He had been after Hailey. Rebecca (Becky) just became... convenient.

Lil' Becky is/was the kid of Tanya's neighbour who lives beneath her part of the duplex. The girl is/was about ten - red hair, freckles, green eyes, a bit tall for her age. I've only seen her a handful of times beforehand and, really, I didn't pay much attention to her existence when I had. Kind enough girl, I guess. Like I've said in past posts: I don't like kids. If I can ignore them, I do.

Anyway, like I've said before - I'm attempting to make catnaps my norm. I've had a few people freak so far because they thought I said I WAS going to stop sleeping (suicide watch?) but I guess I'm going to blame THAT on me not being very choosy with my wording at 5am after running through that marathon in my head yet again. People need to stop taking things so literally. Just because I WANT to do something doesn't mean I actually will. I've WANTED to do a lot of things in my life. Most of which you don't want to hear about, but some of the less intense fantasies include but are not limited to stabbing a pencil into one of my old teacher's eye and then driving their head into a wall to drive it right back into the brain. The expression of pain, shock, horror... hehe, would have been lovely... but I digress. Yes, catnaps are good when timed correctly. I still feel like absolute hell and I'm starting to get noticed in that way from my family but... gotta roll with the punches, eh?

So... with catnaps giving me extra hours to fill, one of my norms has become checking up on Tanya and Hailey when I can. Kent, her boyfriend, lives there too but is rarely home so... yeah, I'm not really worried about him. He's one of those guys that look as though they could take on an army themselves. Even I watch my words a touch with him since I'd rather not get into THAT fight, and that's saying something. But yes, the other two I've been more than a bit worried about since the "Tall Man" has caught Hailey's attention. There have been odd incidences here and there - a suit standing far off down the street (I'd wait in my car until He decided to move on) - but, for the most part, there hasn't really been much in the way of activity there apart from the odd flash of black out of the corner of my vision (paranoia/reality/no idea/call it what you want). Today though.... I was glad I was driving past. Truly.

I could see Him so clearly - standing just across the street from their home. Anger was the first thing to hit me - first Bogie, and now Hailey? Now Tanya? FUCK NO. HELL NO. NO WAY IN GODDAMN HELL. I beelined for Him... but slammed on the brakes when I saw Hailey stepping off the last step of the duplex and running from the stairs out onto the street. I don't even remember if I put the parking brake on before I lunged out of it - grabbing Hailey up off the ground. It's all just a blur. A lot of things are these days. I do remember how He looked at me then - the kid squirming on my hip, my arms around her... and me staring right back. I was pissed, but I was also terrified. Not of Him, but of losing them. I think He knows the difference. His attention seemed to flicker between me and Hailey as I started backing up towards the house - never taking my eyes off Him. I was laughing still, like I always seem to be with Him around, but I felt no humor. Only a pit in my stomach that grew as He..... as He began to walk across the street. Hailey was squirming badly - yelling things at me to put her down (I think), but I wasn't really cluing into that. I yelled at Him then - I don't even remember what. It was just whatever was coming to my tongue at that point. At first I thought it was something I had said that made Him stop... or maybe that I had grabbed my brother's hunting knife with my free hand from its sheath around behind my back... but that's when I saw movement behind me and glanced back to see Becky having just come out of the front door of her home. She was looking right passed me and at Him - eyes huge in awe and wonder. Then she grinned broadly - showing missing teeth - and followed that track.

I did nothing. I let her walk by me and up to the "Tall Man." He just watched as she approached, His head tilting just slightly before He looked back at me - like He was actually wondering what I would do. My reaction? I just held onto Hailey tighter. It was a sacrifice and I accepted it. I think... He was amused. At least, that was the feel I got from Him at that point. He HAD been annoyed, challenging... and now He was amused. He then turned back to Becky and held out His hand to her (even His damn fingers are long). She took it without hesitation and the two turned. I watched the entire time until they disappeared down between two buildings - her trotting at His side to keep up.

He was going to take one of them. I chose Hailey to stay. He had given me that choice. For now.

After He was out of view, Hailey suddenly stopped squirming and asked such an innocent question: "Mishowwl... where did Ecky go?"

I took her back inside without a word.

I'm staying the night at Tanya's - actually that's where I'm typing this. Amber Alert has been going on for hours now. There's been police and everything outside looking for a missing child that I know is never going to turn up. I told the police I didn't see a thing. It's simpler that way.

Becky is gone because of my inaction and that's that. Hailey is temporarily spared. I have no regrets.

I'm going to tell Tanya tonight what's happening. She needs to know. The Black King won't stop just because He got Becky today. Maybe this way there's a chance Hailey can still be spared. A lot of us did get away as children... I need to know HOW.

If any of you know any tricks, please share them. I don't care if you don't agree with what I did today - this is about HAILEY and not ME. Please don't confuse that. She's only THREE. She deserves longer. Please. For now I'm going to make up a charm thing like I suggested Mystery did for his niece, but I really need more ideas than just that. I don't care what level they sink to - whatever might work, I'll do.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Three New Sages.... cause it worked so WELL last time.

WHAT THE HELL. I take a break from the computer for a while to deal with some things and I come back to my best friend getting named as a SAGE?!??!? I mean... fucking hell. I haven't checked through many updates.... so behind on updates.... fuck, I mean.... it's one hell of a Title and I'm proud of her. I always said she was something special and I guess you guys see it too. She saved me from my own black abyss way back when.... and I know she'll do her best to uphold the responsibility given to her. But.... Sage? Come on, hun, SAGE??? THAT track record?!?! The only one who's come out of it still REMOTELY sane is in fact Maduin himself and he was nuts to begin with!!

Speaking of which: Maduin, I may have to kill you for this.

Fuck. My best friend... I still can't believe it. I can't decide if it's good news or terrifying news. If anyone can help to put this train back on its tracks, she's definitely one of them but... I'm scared for her.

I've made a promise now and, no matter what she says, I'm sticking to it. If she wants to be a shield to protect the Community to the best of her ability, then I'll set myself as the nutcase that'll protect her so she can. We may be separate now but... each day as it comes. She won't follow the path laid by the other Sages. I won't let that happen. Sage and Kay, I wish you the best but I don't know either of you so, honestly, I can't wish you more than that. Hakurei.... hun, you'll never be a Fighter. I won't let you have that burden. No matter where it lands me and it may not mean much in the end but.... I have your back.

Oh, and to make a bad day worse - a heads-up to the Community. I was wrong. Morningstar is NOT dead. The names of the "terrorists" were made public earlier today - Luke Cifer was NOT among them. Guess the Mounties aren't as badass as I pegged them as.

Surprise, surprise.

Friday, May 20, 2011

i don't even know....

Goddamn I don't want to sleep anymore. I really dont. Every time it's that same damn dream and I try not to sleep long so I don't dream but I always sleep more than I mean to and then I'm forced through that same fucking track yet again and I wake up and my head just pounds and pounds... and I always feel like I'm going to be sick after. but then if I don't let myself sleep well.... eventally, that doesn't feel that hot either, you know? The crystals do nothing for me, probably cause I don't have faith in them like Kay or the others do.. fiath isn't really something i'm good at....never have been...

I just want to stay awake now. for as longa s I can. i'm tired of the maze. and ever since Sunday i've... I've been dreaming that same route... only now there's just... rotting flesh spattered everywhere. I can still smeell it - i can't get it out of my head. that reek... that goddamn leak...  some of the corpses could be made out as animsl but... i don't even know. I shouldn't even bother posting this. worthless dribble...

I thought... i thought I saw Him standing beside my bed when I woke up this time but... a second later He wasn't there at all.  Paranoia? Reality? I don't even fucking know anymore. it's all blurring... just blurring.....

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I guess he didn't think it out at all~

You can say what you want about our Military... but guess what? Our Mounties have proven once again that they are badass~! After all, they did away with a pest that the States couldn't manage to squash since the beginning of the year.

Who would have thought that dear ol' Twinkle couldn't last even a week up here? I mean, seriously? The guy goes around like a hurricane in the States, acting like the antichrist himself... and he couldn't last a week?! Didn't realize we were so much more on the ball. I would have guessed the opposite, personally, but, hey, the body count doesn't lie!

I heard it on the radio this morning: "A shootout outside of the Pembroke area ended with a death toll of thirteen last night. It has been comfirmed by authorites that the group were the same terrorists responsible for recent arson attacks as well as a brutal murder that claimed the lives of a mother and infant in the same area. No further details are known on the group, but there is evidence of cult-like practises."

Hell yes~ It's good to be Canadian.

Have to admit, I'm sort of disappointed. I thought I was going to get the chance to take that ego down a few levels~ Oh, well....

Monday, May 16, 2011

Five Days

Damn, what the hell is this? I didn't sleep for more than a handful of minutes across three nights and I didn't even get one headache. I catch a few hours Saturday night, and I wake up with the worse one yet. Well, migraine, I guess... sensitive and all that crap. Insomnia is sounding like a good hobby to pick up right now... which is actually what I did last night...

Update... this should be fun to explain...

The last five days... I don't even know what to tell you about them.

The police were here around noon on Thursday. By the time they had screwed off, it was already early evening. Getting my family to leave me alone at that point was not an easy task - my parents didn't really like how I wasn't being... all that polite in response to the "answers" the authorities were giving. I think they think I'm trying to pull some kind of insurance claim through all this  - especially since some loose-wing idiot saw my stupid bear laying on the floor of my car covered in blood. I didn't have a real answer ready for that when they pulled it out - I just said mostly the truth: that, yes, it's mine, but I found it laying on the porch at my friend's place. That it was why I rushed home. Tanya backed this up without a second thought when they contacted her, but it seems like they're thinking I left it on the porch there myself before going inside to visit her. Neverminding, of course, that Tanya said her kid mentioned a "Tall Man." I'm obviously the guilty one here. Of course, because this makes so much sense for an insurance claim - let's gut my horse, scatter the remains across the paddock, cover this fucking toy in its blood, and then leave it somewhere I can "find" later! That's not over-the-top at all!

Yeah, I got defensive. Yeah, I got pissed. The smart ass of a cop suggested that maybe it was an animal attack then... even though there weren't any prints or other marks to suggest that and, in any case, he hadn't heard that dissection had become typical for animal attacks these days.

It's the video games, I tell you. They're blamed for every other form of violence - why not this? Seriously. How crappy is my luck? I have Slender Man stalking me, one of my best friends may get involved because He's a goddamn pedo, and the police think I slaughtered my own horse. What the HELL?

Oh, and I left home Thursday for a couple of days after I got in a fight with my mum. Can't forget that...

That night... all I wanted to do was burn that goddamn bear. BUT guess what? Evidence. It was collected. As. Fucking. EVIDENCE. Why did my parents have to call the cops in the first place? To make life even more difficult, apparently. I needed time to myself so I could think things through. I spent the night in my car along the side of the road. No incident, but I didn't really sleep at all.

The next day, I swung around to Tanya's. She had left me some... rather assertive messages on my cell that made it clear we needed to talk. I did try to argue back through a text (I hate using that feature) but what she sent back gave me no other choice.

"Michelle. I spent an hour cleaning the blood off my kid. We need to talk. NOW."

......I hate kids.

I went... and never felt so uncomfortable in a friend's house in all my life. We spoke for a good few hours with her pacing and ranting around the room and me telling half-truths sitting on her couch. I'm surprised she didn't throw me out, personally. I was close to throwing MYSELF out. Eventually there was a long pause that was only somewhat filled by Hailey playing with her plushies. She was wearing the straw cowgirl hat I gave her for her birthday last month. I could tell she was wearing it a lot - it was getting that broken-in look....

I asked Tanya what she wanted from me. None of my "answers" were good enough and I knew it. She made a frustrated noise, gesturing with her hands for the added effect that I've grown used since we became friends. Getting Tanya mad had always been an amusing show to witness... but not this time. This time it wasn't about how the lady at Timmy's gave her a dirty look after she dyed her hair vibrant purple; it wasn't about her asshole neighbour in the bottom part of the duplex turning off their water.... this was about the safety of herself and her kid. She demanded TRUTH. She told me how I looked like Hell (said I looked like I'd smoked a "fucking fat one with the windows up"), how I was walling up again after having let DOWN a few walls over the past year or so and she wanted to know WHY. She rattled off the things that have happened lately like she was reading the summery for a horror movie on the back of a DVD case. She... told me she was worried about me. Honestly worried about me....

She's worried about me, and I'm the one that practically took Slender Man's hand and brought Him to her and Hailey. Fuck...

I gave her the usual pitch. To trust me. That she doesn't need to know. I tried to tell her that the more she knows, the more danger she'd be in, but she just called it bullshit - me trying to avoid her questions. She yelled at me to tell her what had changed - what was changing me - that we were best friends and that this was the safety of her kid on the line. I... snapped.

"Dammit, it's not that simple! I'm trying to protect you the only way I know how and you're making me draw you in further than I already have! I won't let you get involved, UNDERSTAND?!"

"Getting my kid covered in blood isn't 'involved'?!"

"Not compared to what COULD HAPPEN!"

We stopped when Hailey started crying. I tried not to look at the girl as Tanya went to her - what Hailey looked like the other night with all that blood over her kept flipping to the surface in my head, making my stomach churn. I don't like kids. They're fucking creepy... and smiling while covered in blood? That counts as extra creepy. Still... it's Hailey. I have to do what I can. I told Tanya then that I had to go and to call me if anything comes up - no matter what the time. I left the house, going for my car... and it wasn't until the bottom step that I felt that "watching you" feeling crawl up my spine. I thought I saw a blur of black move out of the corner of my eye... but it was gone a second later. There was nothing there. I don't know at this point if it was Him or just paranoia... getting hard to tell the difference...

I spent another night in my car. I couldn't stand the thought of going back to that property - my home - yet... but on Saturday I forced myself to suck it up. I went home. There was still tension between my mum and I, but that isn't exactly unusual. That's when I caught up on the blogs... and noticed that Canada now has a yanky invader. Morningstar is up here now... as if I didn't have enough shit at mind already. He wasn't exactly subtle with his first day - it didn't take long to figure out what area he's in. It was sort of surreal... being able to know where one of Them are. I knew for certain by Sunday morning - the whole fiasco was on the radio. I'm not exactly worried though. I have more important things to worry about and the guy himself is like a tornado - I'll know if he gets too close for comfort. Besides that, I doubt I'm on his hit list. Sometimes it's good to be considered nothing~

Sunday... I spent following Mystery's advice. I went to where we buried Bogie and started digging. It took a lot longer than I'd hoped and it was raining like crazy and the smell was getting far too ripe to be around... but I got what I needed. I used my brother's hunting knife to cut away the flesh and took the two cannon-bones from my boy's front legs. I... I felt like I was going to be sick, and not just from being soaked through and through. I'd only just set the two bones aside when I got that familiar shift in my head that meant I was on the verge of laughing. I bolted before I even saw where He was - bones in hand. It took me an hour to steady myself (and my stomach) enough to go back and finish covering Bogie back up. After everything, I wasn't going to let coyotes pick at him and haul him off. He deserves better than that... he deserved better than what I had to take from him too. I only hope that having these bones means something. Some sort of weapon... I really need it right now. I have people to protect and He's only getting closer...

I'm cleaning the bones now. To do it right is going to take a few days. Bleaching will only weaken the bone so after I'm done soaking it, I'll use some hydrogen peroxide to sterilizer it.

I'm tired, but alright. Keep rocking, guys.

Thursday, May 12, 2011


Bogie's dead.

Or, no, let's be more specific about that, shall we? Bogie was TORN to fucking SHREDS and GUTTED and it's MY fucking FAULT. His entire paddock was just... everything was red. How the hell long did Bogie survive while He...? Goddammit... godfuckingDAMMIT!! He was a horse, you stupid FUCK! An ANIMAL! HE HAD NO FUCKING PART IN THIS AND YOU... what? Did it make you feel strong, you piece of shit? Did Bogie hurt your pride when he kicked you? I HOPE HE LEFT A GODDAMN IMPRINT, YOU BITCH! That's HIS contribution!!!

FUCKING... I just... it's too much, you know? Bogie was like a little brother to me and you... you guys... I did appreciate your messages on my last post (except you Twinkle - you can go freeze to death in a goddamn snowbank) so I think the least I can do is tell you what happened...

I had spent most of last night in Bogie's stall with him - don't bitch at me, it's not like the house itself is some safe-haven. I knew He was around, but He never came into the barn. He just... moved around the outside of it. Mocking me, I think. Morning came. I knew I had to get some things together in town if I was going to get Bogie through this, so I used what I had handy before turning the horses outside as I always do. I used three bags of rock salt that we had left over from the winter to outline his paddock, then used a fourth to make piles at the four corners. I also tied my Ankh pendant onto Bogie's halter - eternal life, right? And salt is supposed to be a "pure substance" or something... apparently not pure enough...

Spent a while tracking down other things in town that are supposed to do the trick with negative presences or whatever the hell you want to call it. Sage, rosemary, freshly ground cinnamon... I even got together a few crystals like what Kay had mentioned in her blog though those were a bitch to find. I got home before noon and everything was still okay. The horses didn't even seem nervous. I put an assortment of things into two tiny bags I'd bought and tied it to each side of his halter, duck taping it around the strap to keep it from swaying around and bugging him. I didn't care what out of it worked. Just as long as something did. I was putting faith in whatever the hell I could...

I've never been one for faith...

I wasn't there when He came. I was out. I should have been there... I could have done something. ANYTHING. But no... I just got a present dropped off for me. I knew before I even got home - I just didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. Not until I saw it for myself... and now I can't STOP seeing it. It's there every time I close my eyes... .

It was early afternoon. I'd gone to a friend's house. Tricked there, actually, because I've been trying to break off contact... but she said it was important. She said she needed to talk to me, something about this girl (demon bitch) we once knew named Justin. Because of the hellish drama that had happened last year and how my friend was almost destroyed by the betrayal, I felt I had no choice but to go. I was the only other person who understood what she was talking about since darling Justin had gone cut-throat with me as well - everyone else alive thinks the bitch is God's Gift to Humanity. I was seething when I walked into her house (who the hell knocks at a friend's house?), thinking of all the possible ways Justin could have turned things upside-down again and I was already stressed to the nines to begin with... but it was a goddamn lie. Tanya (I call her Spiky) thought it was pretty ingenious, actually. I'd been avoiding her and she knew it, but she also knew THAT was one subject I'd turn up at her door to help her with no matter what was going on in my life. Stupid, yes, but I never claimed to be smart. I claimed to be loyal and that's what bit me in the ass.

Needless to say, we had a bit of an argument. She was ragging on me about walling myself off in my own corner of the universe constantly and I was trying to tell her to trust me and let me do what I had to because NOW just wasn't a good fucking time. Stalemate, in other words.

Then she said those fatal words: "Did I do something to upset you?"

Have any of you ever told someone "it's not you, it's me" without it coming out sounding forced and cliched? I couldn't do it. My words just sounded so fake I wanted to punch myself. I tried to explain myself without explaining the situation I was in and... I hated myself for every word that came out. But then I noticed something odd. Hailey - Spiky's three year old kid - was staring out the front window, giggling, across the room. My mind immediately snapped, but in what seemed like a blink of time... the door was open and Hailey ran outside. Both Tanya and I bolted after her - her concern probably being the road, mine being... a much worse threat. We didn't have to run far - Hailey was right outside the door.

Hailey was hugging Zeddy to her chest. Fucking. ZEDDY. And... dammit... there was so much blood. The bear was DRIPPING with blood, making a puddle by the kid's feet - like it had been soaked in it for fuck's sake. Tanya was absolutely freaking - swearing and screaming bloody murder as she ripped the toy away from her kid's arms - and I just... I couldn't stop staring at that fucking bear. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare. This is the bullshit that Hollywood dreams up - this kind of shit isn't REAL - shouldn't be REAL...

"Hailey, where did you get this thing?!" Tanya had blown a fuse. I can't blame her.

The kid, front covered in blood, smiled. Fucking. SMILED. "The Tall Man!" She said, as if obvious.

A second later I'd ripped the toy out of Tanya's arms and was bolting down the stairs of her duplex. She was yelling after me - demanding to know what the HELL was going on. The only thing I yelled back was for them to get the fuck back in the house. It was the first time I'd ever spoken to her like that. It was also the first time I ever spun the wheels on my car as I took off.

I got home and immediately ran for the Back Barn, ignoring all else. What I saw... I can't even describe it. I don't really want to. It was... a slaughter. Bogie had been... taken apart. His guts were everywhere. His eyes were still open... staring at me dully... my boy... fuck, I just... I can't get it out of my head... I can't...

Goddamn Him. GODFUCKINGDAMN HIM. He waited, didn't He? He waited... and then I gave Him the best opening possible. What have I done....? I should have been there...
My... parents have the police involved now. Wonder how long it's going to take for them to ask about the salt...

It's taken me since then to write this out. My hands won't stop shaking but... I can't get sidetracked. I can't let myself forget what else is coming. I lost Bogie today... but the next target has been made obvious. I don't care what the odds are - He ISN'T getting Hailey and He isn't using MY GODDAMN CHILDHOOD TOY while trying to do it!! In the morning, I'm burning the damn thing. I've had enough. He's going to have to try a different game... unless He wants to move around a pile of fucking SOOT.

Baggataway, aka "Bogie"
June 7th, 1999 - May 11th, 2011

I'll miss you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Okay this CANNOT be good...

My horse... kicked Him.

Yeah, I really wish I was joking cause then I wouldn't be nearly having a goddamn panic attack! Fuck, if He goes after him for this... I can't let that happen. I just CAN'T. I didn't HAVE people to rely on growing up, okay? I had my horses! That's it! They are what I connect with best, not bloody humans! And I put too much goddamn work into Bogie for Him to come and just mess it up!!!

For the love of crap, I can still hear the THUD of hooves on... whatever the hell Bogie connected with. First time I've seen His tentacle things... there were so fucking MANY of them I just... damn...

I'd gone for a trail ride with my jumper and we got cornered - simple as that. One second everything is fine, the next Bogie spooks like Hell's Bitch and bolts. I lost my stirrup and nearly fell off, but managed to move with it enough to crank my boy around before he got any closer to that damn bush and the tractor trails that lead into it. At the time, Bogie was prancing, snorting, throwing his head, stamping his feet, teeth grinding on the bit, ears flattened, backing up... it was like ticking off the check-list of a pissed off horse. As for me... I had... started laughing...

He wasn't even twenty feet away - standing as still as death itself in the field, cornering me between the ditch and the bush. The same headache that nailed me that first night slammed back into place in my skull - putting nice black spots on my vision. I heard Him again cometomecometomecometome and Bogie's freaking got worse by the second until it was all I could do but to hold on as He watched us and I didn't know what the hell and then the next thing I know He was standing right smack in front of us - His too-long arms curling around... and then I remember Bogie squealing and spinning on the spot. I remember my boy bucking with intent to break bones. I heard that THUD. Next thing I know, he's bolted and I can't hang on with the movements anymore - I fall. I remember the jar of landing, but after that the next thing I remember is remounting Bogie who is going absolutely insane in the middle of the tractor trail in our bush.... and there were dead birds and other small things fucking everywhere. The second I was in the saddle we bolted the hell out of there down the trail with trees whizzing by and  I glanced back over my shoulder once and that was more than enough.... He and those fucking tentacles....

He was mad.

At that point, I was (and still am) very happy that Bogie is a ex-racehorse. That's for damn sure. His old training of "RUN BITCH RUN" came back and we booked it back to the barn. I just hung onto his mane at that point and did my best to maneuver us around anything that got in the way. Bogie was dripping sweat and both of us ended up with cuts from... I'm not sure what, the trees I guess... but we're both okay for now. I treated his injuries straight away, i still have to go do mine...

Bogie kicked the Slender Man.

What the hell happens now?

Friday, May 6, 2011

Too close....

02/12/11 - Heh. The first of many times He and I were in far too close of proximity to each other. Now and again I still wonder what He is. Where He came from. The curiosity can feel... nearly burning sometimes... hard too explain really...  

He came to me... at work today.

Every day, He's been getting closer. He doesn't stay far out in the fields anymore. He prefers the lawn. The shed. In the house itself. I hear Him walk the halls sometimes. Least I think it's Him. Still not close enough to confirm my... suspicion yet, but enough to let His presence be known to me. No one else sees Him, of course. I've had to shrug off more than a few comments from my family about how I'll stare off into oblivion. "Daydreaming" they call it. Not sure if I should be insulted by that or not considering I'm staring down my future executioner...

It's nothing that the rest of you haven't dealt with. I didn't bother keeping updates. AIMing with Val and Sage has been enough... but I think today was worth something...

Normally, I don't HAVE work on Fridays but... I can't deny what is coming. One day I won't be able to work, so I need the cash while I can still get it. My mornings are still rough as all Hell, but... you know what? Who cares. I took my boss up on the offer.

I was down in the basement checking inventory (most. annoying. job. ever.) when I first felt... something. It's hard to explain, but it was like a pressure suddenly setting over my forehead and temples - like the beginning of a headache with no actual pain yet. I would have just ignored it had I not... started laughing quietly. It was the same damn thing as before: It was happening on its own. I couldn't STOP myself from it! Do you GET how fucking screwed-up that is to FEEL?! Well, let me tell you then: It's terrifying, alright?! I hate being out of control of myself. HATE IT. I've gotten this far in life by keeping myself in check; by keeping myself locked. I don't drink alcohol, I've never none drugs... I don't do anything that compromises my thinking. Aren't I amazing at explaining things? It's the same thing I keep mentioning over and over and over again. I don't fear Him. Not really. I've just... always been afraid of the influence. I've always considered myself a darker-type person. A bitch, if you will. Sarcastic, apathetic, pain in the ass type. I'd be stupid to not be panicking. That seems to be the type He likes for soldiers, isn't it?

But I couldn't think about that... because I knew. I knew immediately.

I looked around a bit, but couldn't see any sign of Him yet. Not that that meant anything really - the basement was stacked so high with boxes of products that you wouldn't see Jabba The Hutt until he was sitting on your lap. It's all set into long, high rows of boxes and shelving units that would drive any claustrophobic person to their knees rocking themselves muttering "the walls are closing in" over and over and over. I don't have that issue, thankfully, but I knew in my gut - from my 'snickering' - that the Black King had to be too close for comfort... so I decided to do the smart thing with the advanced warning: get the Hell out of there.

I ditched my task and ran straight down the narrow alley I was in, gunning for the stairs (the same ones that knocked me around last week) on the opposite side of the basement. He just had to show up when I was at the farthest possible point from the one fucking way out, didn't he? Oh, you bet, wouldn't have it any other way, I'm sure!

I never made it to the end of that alley. I got maybe half-way and then He stepped around the corner. I just... froze. After only seeing Him close up with a flashlight before, I was... stunned for a few seconds to see Him so close, so clear. This was Slender Man. This was the walking nightmare that had come in close to me once then had stalked from afar for nearly two weeks. What I thought I'd seen that first night didn't do justice to what He looks like. I understand now just WHY He's referred to as the "Black King." His limbs may look awkward from being so long but... He just looks... regal. Even his "face" - it's not just a pale "blob" or "lump" of some kind as some like to call it. There are actually risen and sunken areas where His eyes, nose, and mouth SHOULD be - as though the skin had just been stretched over top of what I'd assume is bone or something close to it. The weak light actually made twin darkened patches over what should have been His eye sockets... under His cheek bones...

He started walking towards me at that point - His head hanging a bit low to not hit the ceiling. I definitely agree with my earlier comments at this point: He walks like a representation of Death, a Reaper. Slow, yet resolute; confident; unstoppable. Like He knows that, in the end, He'll be the victor no matter which little mouse He has before Him. Of course He should know - how the hell LONG has He been playing? The Black King... the undefeated Champ... closing in on a newbie like myself. Fuck. My. Life.

I had to mentally scream at myself to do it, but I started backing up as He advanced - never taking my eyes off His face. His longer strides out-did my own and soon I had no choice - I turned and bolted back down the alley. I whipped around the corner - running along to perimeter in hopes of getting to the stairs the other way... but He was waiting for me part-way down every single one of them. He had cornered me... and I was shaking at that point. Not from fear, I don't think... I was just feeling... I don't know. Overwhelmed? Like my "Flight or Fight" reflex didn't know what to do with my muscles. Shit, I can still feel how my muscles began to feel like rusted springs - making moving harder and harder as I reached the last alley with the stairs directly at the other end. He was waiting in that one too.

I stopped running at that point - there was no reason to go back the way I came. He'd just repeat the lovely process all over again. Besides, I could SEE my way out from here. I wasn't giving up that visual, even if He was blocking the way, as stupid as that might sound.

Once again, He began walking towards me. The black suit He wore seemed to mold into the shadows on the floor - I couldn't see an end to His legs, everything... was swept together. Honestly, everything except his face is just a blur...

The closer He got, the harder it was too try to suppress my little laugh. I reopened my cut lip in my attempt, tasting that familiar metallic tang. Backing up, I felt my back hit against the stack of boxes that went nearly to the ceiling along the wall. He was right in front of me. RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE. He stared down at me like a science student stares down a worm pinned in place... and then I heard... I heard Him. Or... not really Him. But whispers in my head - like the words were just inserted into my thinking. To come to Him. That He owned me. That there was no point in running. Just a mess of whispers one on top of the other. I don't actually remember what He sounded like, if He sounded like anything at all but... I felt... choked at that point. I couldn't manage words...

But I did get my hands into two of the handles in the boxes behind me. I pulled, ducking and running at the same time... and the two empty boxes came with me. The entire stack came down - all empty, but they served their purpose. I ran upstairs, slamming the door shut behind me. The boxes may have been a distraction, but they certainly didn't play any role in me escaping besides me feeling better. He let me go. Simple as that.

My boss said I looked "pale."

I thought I was going to DIE and she says I look "pale"... I'm sorry, but it makes me laugh in a I-want-to-strangle-something kind of way.

I.... I feel sick. I really do. My stomach won't stop doing loops and my morning routine still exhausts me each day. As you might have been able to tell in my post from when I thought He was a cosplayer (Ha)... I like my solitude. A lot. How I comment around on the blogs on here it's just... information seeking and a touch of a morbid fascination in seeing the entire struggle from so many different angles. I have no issue with any of you doing the same to me. I can deal with people online. There's nothing personal about it. But, in the real world, I like doing my own thing. I like being LEFT the FUCK alone... and He just... He's breaking my rules. It sounds dumb, yes, and I know that's just what He does but... I'm not adjusting well to it, okay? I'm used to feeling INVISIBLE to society and He just... He sees me.

He sees me... and I hate it. Hit the nail on the head here.

And now I'm supposed to be... what? One of His minions? One of the little brainless drones that follow His every word? No. FUCK NO. This is the second time I've heard that and I just... I can't deal with this shit. He can kill me instead. I won't become like Them. No fucking way...

Sunday, May 1, 2011

You're not funny.

02/12/11 - I am stubborn. That's really my only excuse.

I actually got a pretty good amount of sleep last night (no work this morning - HA) but still woke up feeling like crap. This has gone on for a few nights now. Headaches, light-headedness, nausea, sometimes even a bit of a nosebleed... I get hit with it all the instant I wake up (usually from that stupid dream) with a nice dosage of exhaustion on top. I shouldn't be this tired - I'm not DOING anything extra. I have to work with the symptoms most of the day, then by the time evening rolls around I'm only left with the exhaustion part, so go to bed... which starts the whole fucking thing over again.

Yesterday I nearly fell over at work from a dizzy spell - had to grab a sales rack to steady myself. My boss didn't particularly like that after my incident the other day, so (not letting me drive *insertcolourfulswearinghere* THEWOMANTOOKMYKEYSDAMMIT) called home to get my mum to come get me. Me being me still didn't want to go, but I was then practically dragged to the hospital. Spent most of the day waiting (a good medical system we do have, but quick, it is not) with my ipod cranked so I didn't have to listen to another lecture, only for the good, old doctor to tell me that I have a mild concussion.

Don't you have to have a time that you blacked out to get one of those? Already had one of those earlier, but wasn't saying that, now was I? Plus, concussion = bullshit. Because I didn't allow the below tests, they had no way of really confirming. They just looked at my symptoms. Which would, I admit, point to concussion. Had I not a supernatural visitor, that is.

Anyway, he wanted to do brain imaging/screening/xraying/whatever it is and for me to spend the night. Honestly, I probably WOULD have tolerated the testing... but I got up and left the second he suggested staying over. He and my mum tried to talk some sense into me, of course, but I just went out and waited by the car. I'm old enough I don't have to stay if I don't want to and I don't FUCKING WANT TO. I hate hospitals. I hate doctors. I hate it all. I spent two weeks in those hell holes when I was younger - I'm NOT staying there again even for one fucking night. Starting to believe there is more to this as well. Still not certain.

He was there - watching me from across the parking lot from where I was leaning against my car. My head was throbbing at that point, but I just glared back. Something tells me He's amused. Or maybe that's just how I'd feel if I was Him witnessing me right now - nearly smashing my brain on a fucking STEP and yet I dare to not obey Him? Pathetic. Least that was my view of myself.

He was still there when my mum finally came out, giving me a speech about being reckless and immature. I was barely listening - I was watching His head tilt at that fucking impossible angle that made a shiver go up my spine. I'm not sure if it's paranoia or not, but I suddenly got the thought that He was looking at her and not me anymore. I didn't like that thought.

I did manage to convince her to go after that. We got home late enough (about five-ish), I spent some time catching up on blogs, did chores, then went to bed. Had that dream again... and woke up this morning to a face staring right back at me. I practically threw myself backwards (hello, spinning senses and nausea. Missed you!) and whatever it was fell to the floor at the side of my bed. I peeked over...

It was Zeddy - my fucking stuffed bear - who was now on his back on the floor staring up at me. He had been PLACED on my goddamn BED. I practically threw him back on the shelf.

I'm not liking His sense of humor. At all.