Monday, April 25, 2011


Goddamn... alright, so... had a long talk with Val. I... don't exactly feel "better" but I do feel... clearer if that makes any sense at all. She's upset, of course. Blaming herself, which I now have to somehow stop. I swear, sometimes she's just... too nice, you know? I deserve a fucking lashing and what do I get? Apologies. Seriously, hun, what the hell...

I nearly got her killed today.

I... would never have been able to live with myself if she'd actually...


If things had gone any differently today, Morningstar and I would have required some face-to-face time. Border crossing or not... I would have found the little bastard.

I'm too tired to get into details. Val will handle most of that, and I'll post my bits tomorrow or the next day or... whenever the hell. Just not now.

For now... I have been told I want to elaborate on what happened Saturday night. At this point... I guess it's the least I can do, right?

"As much detail as possible".... should I say what I was wearing too, hun~?



It was a normal day. It really, really was... up to a point. I did my normal routine. I got up, did the horses, went to work, came back home, and then I went to do the evening chores at around 8:30pm.

During my walk to the barn, though, things were... decidedly less than normal. By the time I got to the half-way mark by the woodshed, I could see the horses were spooked up about something. Once I'd gotten to the gate up at the barn, all five of them were freaking out - galloping like mad spirits all around their paddocks. Heads up. Eyes wide. Nostrils flaring. Snorting. Calling. Just... obviously distressed about SOMETHING in the area. Most of my horses are thoroughbreds, so they weigh between 900 and 1400 pounds each. Trying to manage the lot of them was NOT FUCKING FUN and it doesn't take long for things to get very dangerous. One wrong turn. One kick. That's all it takes to get killed. Really, they wouldn't mean to kill me... I would have just got in their way.

Like if some moron gets hit by a train. Same deal~

Anyway, I brought them in and went about my chores to settle everyone in for the night... or, at least, try to. They were all fired up - spinning around in their stalls and nickering/whinnying at each other. Kicked at the walls, rasped their teeth on the wood... just generally upset and therefore aggressive. I stayed there a while with them even after everything was done to see if they would settle and they did... a bit. I turned the lights off and went back to the house, deciding I'd come back later to check again. "Later" became around 11:30-something at night. I went back and found the barn a lot quieter than when I had left it. Still not exactly "normal," but close enough to let myself go to bed. So... I began wandering back to the house with my amazing little flashlight.

I'd only gotten about a quarter of the way back - half way to the woodshed - when I saw Him. My flashlight had only illuminated Him partly from where He stood just off the tractor path to my right, but it was enough to catch my eye and... and then I turned the full beam of my flashlight on Him. In that instant... I felt like something hit against me, THROUGH me even, and my breath was sucked away. My lungs immediately began to burn, contrasting with the hellish cold that I suddenly felt everywhere else. I was shaking, but I... I just couldn't take my eyes off His "face." I could see the impressions where His features SHOULD have been... but... I'm actually glad He doesn't have eyes. If He can pin you down with His gaze with a handicap like that, I would hate to see Him with two eyes to help......

Then... I began to snicker. I was terrified - SHAKING - and yet I dared to LAUGH?! Fucking hell, I know I'm insane, but that's fucking suicidal. I just... I couldn't stop myself. It was like a switch had been thrown in my head and I COULDN'T FUCKING STOP IT. I can remember so vividly how he tilted his head at me... and then the headache hit. It... goddamn, I haven't had one that bad in... maybe ever. It felt sharp - splitting my vision and all I could do was clutch my head in my hand. At that point, even in my half-deluded laughing state, I KNEW I had to get away.

He was between me and the house.

What did I do?

I pulled my eyes away from Him and I forced myself to walk towards Him. Laughing still, even as I bit my lip to try to stop. I could taste my blood.

Then... I past Him.

He watched me the entire time.

He never did ANYTHING but watch.

That walk seemed to last for an hour, but I finally got into the house. Everyone else was in bed, so with one hand clamped over my mouth to stop myself from making too much noise, I went to my bedroom and collapsed in bed - burying my head in my pillow so my laughter wouldn't wake anyone.

They wouldn't have believed me. They didn't even believe in the spirits I had grown up with.

I was... scared... scared that I'd never stop. I laughed until my lungs felt ready to collapse and my stomach ached. My head still felt like it had an axe buried in it all the while, worsening the harder I laughed. Or did I laugh harder when my head hurt more? Anyway... eventually, it all backed off and after I-don't-know-how-long I was left in the silent darkness of my room. I was sore and exhausted, but otherwise alright... apart from the nosebleed, but that was trivial compared to everything else.

It was then that I pulled myself together the best I could manage and tried to get a hold of Valerie.

It's now past the twenty-four hour mark, and I haven't seen Him since.


  1. It could still just be a coincidence, y'know. Morningstar was gunning for me from the start, it was bound to happen sooner or later, with or without your added... push, I guess.

    Fuck, I just wish I knew what to do now. I mean, there's only one option in the long run, but... ack. We'll get to that when we get to it, I guess.