Monday, December 5, 2011


Thank God!  She's awake! And she's EVEN TALKING AGAIN!

I was sitting in a chair beside her bed when she came 'round. Uncomfortable damn thing, but better than the floor. Anyway, at first it was just her shifting... but then the next thing I know I'm watching her eyes flicker open. I jolted out of my chair so fast I knocked it over and her eyes looked to me... and looked away just as quickly. I went up to her and took her hand, squeezing it for reassurance. It was the first time she'd reacted to me in over a month. I didn't want to startle her with anything... but that would be when she started crying. Saying she was sorry over and over and over again. I was... so relieved to just hear her voice I couldn't stop myself from the hug I gave her. She just kept saying the word repeatedly. I tried my best to talk her down. Telling her it's okay. To stop apologizing. That she has nothing to apologize for. That everything was going to be fine. It must... have been half an hour before she calmed down. But eventually the tears stopped. As did mine. I was just... happy and worried and the combination is just... something I'm SO not used to.

I'm still worried for her. A lot. She's... still very out of it. But she will talk now. Comment on things. Quietly. That's something though. That's a step. A step in the right direction...

She doesn't want to say much about what happened, but that can wait. It's only been a few days so far. She woke up on Saturday. I didn't update because... well, honestly...

Real Life > Internet Blog

Thank you everyone who never stopped thinking about her. Never stopped hoping for her to come back. She should post soon... she's asked to use my laptop.

And... also thank you for putting up with me. I don't take it for granted. Please know that...

Thursday, December 1, 2011


...I'm not even sure how to explain this. Everything happened so damn fast and... fucking hell, I'm sorry, guys, I'm exhausted here so I'm going to keep this short...

She's okay. Let me start with that. Valerie is still alive. She's in stable condition and is finally sleeping. Just... not exactly the way I'd hoped she would do it. In a goddamn hospital bed...

Yesterday morning we were getting ready to hit the road again. Everything was packed. I'd just sat down for a little while to rest while Val continued to stare out the window in her usual daze. Nothing out of her behavior had changed since her little song in the car. She was exactly the same. Like nothing had happened. At all. And I would know. Cause I was watching... for literally any sign at all.

I couldn't have been sitting for two minutes before I suddenly had a cell phone dropped in my lap and Valerie just... breezed right passed me into the kitchen. Everything in me just... I don't know. It felt like a weight sunk right through me as I picked up the phone. I knew in my gut something was wrong. Or going to be wrong. Or fucking SOMETHING felt bad. I got up to follow her... but I only bolted when I realized the phone was calling out. And to which number.

I couldn't have followed her in by any more than a minute, but I'd only reached the doorway when I heard... when I heard a noise that I can't even describe. Yet it repeats in my head. Over and over and over again.

She'd stuck a fork in an outlet. She... electrocuted herself. I think I screamed, I really don't remember. What I do remember... is the grip that took hold of my chest. The panic. The kind of fear that I hadn't felt since That Night back at the farm. I was losing it all again. AGAIN. I was USELESS again while someone I cared about was...

The... last person I have. Valerie is the last person I have. And I have the image of her body jerking and spasming scorched into my mind. It's right there now. Right there along my dad. Brothers. Tasha and Hailey. Kent. All of them... fucking ALL of them and Valerie's face is there now too. She's there and it scares the holy hell out of me. I'm SUPPOSED to die FIRST dammit! I can't lose her like I lost them. I can't.

A part of that goes blank for me, cause the next thing I remember is leaning over her on the floor talking/yelling at her and checking for a pulse.

There wasn't one.

Her... eyes were still open. She was staring at me. Blank. Empty. Dead. God, I couldn't take it... I just...

I heard the a 911 operator answer their end of the call. I pinned the phone between my head and my shoulder and started chest compressions as I told them where we were. The paramedics showed up before too long. I told them I was family - her cousin - so I could ride with her. Thinking back, I'm surprised I actually thought about it... but I basically bullshitted my way through their questions. Anything to just stay. I wasn't going to leave her.

They got her heart going on the way to the hospital. Thank God.

She's been sleeping ever since.

I know this is my fault. I should have moved quicker... I should... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.