Sunday, March 25, 2012

Waiting for Tomorrow

Heh. It's funny how things go.

After over a year of trying to hide, trying to be someone else, trying to feel things I can't and be someone I can't... I finally get kicked into writing a post where I think I'm setting myself up to get flamed into oblivion...

Only for everything... to turn out okay.

And, honestly... I've been DOING okay ever since, all things considered. I mean... my arm still stings like a bitch and choosing this side instead of His will always be painful - even with my vow to the Sages - but... I never realized how exhausting putting on a front was until I let it drop...

Hehe... "the truth shall set you free", eh?

I guess what it really comes down to... is the realization that this Game works differently for everyone. That the "rules" on one Target don't necessarily apply to the next. Father's nature and influence IS practically chaos in itself, after all. So it makes sense to not be consistent. Least in my mind.

I'm sure you already read what is going on since Spencer dropped us a line yesterday. It honestly surprises me that he'd offer to help like this since his last message on Return to Slender kind of... went in a different tone, but... like he himself said: he probably needs this just as much as we do right now. I, for one, know what it's like to need something to focus on...

Hell, my focus tends to flip everywhere but the cooking channel during the hard days. I draw a lot still and I think I've read Steven's journal about twenty times over...

I know some parts by memory now.

.......See what happens when I'm in a decent mood and am left in awkward silences between Drew and Val? Random ramblings alert. No one shall be spared~ And really, the guy isn't that bad. I've met worse. He's a pretentious asshole... but at least he's given us a free roof over our heads. Logically, I'm rather grateful for that... even if he does make a comment or two that make me want to punch his nose in.

But anyway. What I really came on here for... was because I decided I might as well start posting Steven's journal entries. Always said I would, but never got around to it before. Typical for me, really.

This one... this one is one of my favorites, oddly. It... reminds me just what kind of bond we must have had as kids.

I almost feels like I've betrayed him for not... really remembering much about him.

"it's... wow. 4am. no sleep yet. haven't seen HIM yet either though today so... i guess i can catch some now. once i'm certain mimi is going to stay asleep. i never really get how she finds me first without waking mum and dad up first but she always does. she crept down the stairs so quietly i wouldn't have noticed her at all if the step hadn't creaked. the second i looked at her though, she just ran for me with her arms already out. crying. routine by now. i picked her up and held her.

robert was over, of course. we were sorting through the photos we had so far when mimi came down. and... fuck, robert's ASKED about her before, but she always comes up clean. she's not in danger yet, but she keeps having these nightmares. robert said today that maybe we should "put that advantage to use" or some shit. i was so certain i misheard, but then he said outright that she would make an perfect lure, one with "no variables involved." MY SISTER as nothing more than BAIT for that thing! i couldn't believe what i was hearing - i still can't. this was from the guy who helped me, showed me how to fight back. i can't believe it, but... michelle comes first. i did what i had to do.

i threw robert out of my home. and then i took mimi to back bed. i don't care if robert doesn't like it or leaves or whatever - he's NOT using michelle like that. over my dead body.

you know it's funny. sometimes i ask mimi what's bothering her. what she's so scared of. sometimes she tells me about her nightmares, but she's always so tough about it. probably what robert liked about her, now that i think of it. watching over her now... i realize she's never been afraid of sleep itself before.

it... terrifies me, a little. it's not that she's afraid of dreaming about dying, not anymore. she's realized by now that that can't hurt her. it's that she's realized she really will die someday.

it's really all i can do not to cry with her. how can i possibly tell her that i feel the same way?"


Thank you so much... for trying to help me. For being there for me when I needed you most and trying to protect me. Please know you didn't fail me. You tried. You tried so hard... and that's all I could have ever asked of you. That's all anyone can ever ask.

Please don't hate me for the things I've done.

I only ever tried my best.

I tried.

Thank you.

Saturday, March 24, 2012


Bandages are unwrapped from around a mess of an arm - the image reflecting in the bathroom mirror. The infection is still red hot to the touch. Wounds still unhealed from many a venture to remove the thin, white roots from the flesh... but, what is newest, is the hard, risen roots that have breeched the surface of the skin before dipping back down into it. 

These are spread all up and down my arm now... across my back...

"Oh MIIIIIIISHY! Have you missed me?"

I jumped as he appeared out of thin air. As he usually does now. I only sighed - running a hand through my knotted hair. "Heh. What the hell was it that I said to you before...? 'Like one would miss the Black Plague'? That still seems pretty accurate to me."

He glanced down to my exposed arm. "How is your new best friend doing in there? Growing up nicely?"

I rolled my eyes before moving back to the bedroom to get more bandages. "Oh yeah. It's coming along SO well, I'm thinking of naming it soon. I'm thinking 'Luke' would work - for some reason it just seems so FITTING for a parasite that drains everything it touches." I smirked back at him. "I even have you to thank for it, don't I? Least in part. I got this burn cause of you, after all."

"HAHAHAH Oh...  You flatter me dear. But no. It is your own fault for getting that burn, not mine."

"You're the one that set the fucking barn on fire, asshole."

"If you had been a nicer sister and a better daughter, I wouldn't have had to." A grin. "Speaking of your pointless rebellion... how is Haku-chan doing? Taking the fact that you are now a murderer well?"

"I've been a murderer since Becky, Twinkle. I never really tried to deny that all that much, did I? Val just... now knows it never bothered me. Still doesn't... though I still would like to know the name of that kid Father fitted with your image..." A sigh. "Valerie's better. Bitter as all Hell, but that's more directed at herself. She'll... be alright."

"Oh? You think so. What happens when you are gone, hmmm?"

"Heh. She'll have to fight for herself. I won't get much say in it at that point, will I? Either she'll get stronger, or she'll need to find a replacement for me. That'll be her call."

"Or she'll die."

"...I hate the fact you're in my head. It's cheating."

 "Well lets be fair. I hardly need to 'cheat' to know what YOU are thinking. God. I thought sociopaths were supposed to be DIFFICULT to read. You are SUCH a disappointment, you know?"

"Easy for you, maybe. Apparently, I'm an excellent liar when I want to be. Escpecially when it comes to lying to myself..."

"AHA. Yes. You are quite good at that. Or you were. I am sure these recent events have given you SO damn much to think and reflect on. HAHAHA. Ah... But the Guard Dog is not meant for thinking is it? No. No. Leave that to your Master. You just wag your little tail and follow along. Maybe get petted here and there. 'That's a good girl, GOOD girl.' Has she ever scratched you behind the ears? Given you a tummy rub. She should. You deserve it after all you have done for her... Not like she appreciates it. Not really."

"Like it even matters, Twinkle. Seriously? What DOES it matter? She still involved herself in this mess of her own damn free will. She came into this TO die. And so, pretty much, me protecting her has been... well, futile, in that regard. Like bailing out a boat that's already underwater." A smirk. "But that's not what it's been about, now, has it? No. It's always been about keeping her safe so I can keep up my own little scheme. Protecting myself from Daddy Dearest. I figured out a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago I needed Alpha, Twinkle. Not like Father would 'appreciate' my assistance any more than Val does."

"Oh I know you know. I just like repeating it. I know you LOVE the sound of my voice. You deprive yourself of so much joy. You know that?
You poor dear. I almost pity you. As I am sure so many of our siblings do."

"Heh. And THERE'S the sale's pitch. Though... you're not wrong, of course. It would be easier if I fell in line and was just be another masked murderer, but... what would be the point? I mean, honestly? What is the point? To live longer? To get some strange sense of a 'family' idea going? I had a family. You killed them."

"And your point is...? It isn't like you really cared about them you know."

"They were still MINE, you know. My family. My life. My home. My job. Mine. What the hell do you idiots have by serving Father? You barely can call anyone a FRIEND for fear of getting stabbed in the back later."

"Nightscream was a friend. My Team. There are some. But what WE have, is simple. Longer lifespans. Money. A Clear and Defined Goal. Comraderie, so long as you do not fuck it up. And of course... A guaranteed exit and life after death."

I held up my arm. "You think THIS is going to let me have a longer life? I'm not scared of death, Twinkle. I never have been. And I don't care about money either. Goals... I have goals NOW. Comraderie... ehh, I have Val. I'm not really a social person anyway..."

A grin. "You know, really, when it comes down to it... You are really just being obstinant aren't you? There is NO reason for you not join us save for pure spite. I would call it pathetic, but I am not sure that's negative enough to describe you."

A smirk began. Which pulled into a smile. A grin. "Okay. Basic reason. Ready? To prove I CAN. All my life, it's just been one puppeteer after another telling me what I'm 'supposed to be'. I've always been told what I was going to be. By everyone. All the way back to fucking ROBERT... and those fucking Devil Eyes of his that still haunt me to this day. The same damn stare that terrifies me. That... that studied me as he experimented on me behind my brother's back. Some nights, I can still feel his fingers on my temples... all the while scribbling notes in that damn book of his. I remember shreds. I remember pieces. His voice. He thought I had purpose too. Just like every damn one of you do. Father. Doubletake. You." A laugh. "But you know what? Fuck you all. I CHOSE this. From the very start, this was MY decision. To prove to every damn one of you that your strings don't have PERFECT control. I may be fucked to Hell, but at least it's on my terms. Bet you can't say the same, brother."

"In other words. Exactly what I said, except reworded to sound more... Whats the word... Impressive? You are hardly the first to start dancing on your strings without Father pulling them for you. As you recall, I did that for a little while. I think Reach was the first. Anyone can do it. There is just no point in it."

"The point... is to not give in. You did. Reach did too. They Served Him. I never have... and I never will. That is the point. To break THROUGH. To prove there's a choice. Even if it IS hard as fuck to do. Even when I DO die and burn in Hell with the rest of you... I can at least go knowing I never gave Him what He wanted. I've always been a 'failure', haven't I? So I'll be a failure. One. Last. Time."

 "And you wish to prove this point to WHO exactly? Yourself? Why bother? Really. WHY BOTHER WITH THIS STUPIDITY."

"...Why do any of us bother with it? Why did you bother serving Him, Twinkle? Why did you give Him what He wanted from you? Father tore you to shreds and rebuilt you the second you said 'yes'...and I don't want to lose function like that. I don't want to lose my MIND like that. At least now, I can still think. I can still plan and manipulate, if I want to. It's all me. My thoughts. He took everything else... these are My Thoughts... and He's not getting them."

"HAHAHA. Oh. Oh that is rich. Trust me, my lovely, you can keep your thoughts. Father just needs your body. And he is claiming it... Isn't he?"

"No, Twinkle. He isn't going to claim me. Stop grasping for straws. I'll just do what I can... until... until He decides it's Game Over." A grin. "Then you get to die a second time! Doesn't that sound just AWESOME? Not everyone can claim that, you know."

HAHAHA! Death is only the beginning, my dear. And that arm of yours is only spreading, slooooowly but surely. I know you feel it moving beneath your skin. It is not limited to your arm."

"...So you're saying it's a race to see what knocks me off first? The Bleeding Tree or Father? God, these things need to take a number..." A sigh. "In any case, as much as being turning into a human tree sounds like fun... I don't plan on going out that way. Why do you think I spent so long cutting roots out of my arm? Hm? Trying to limit the progress has been the best I could do so far... thought, lately, we did get those comments from that Rafael guy. He suggested a bunch of different herbal remedies. He even mentioned about one concoction that might actually keep Father out of my head a bit more than He is now. Some sort of mixture that... I don't know? Eases off the pain? I guess we'll see what happens. Valerie's pretty psyched about it. She wants me to try it, and I agreed. I mean... why not, right? It might help..."

"Or it could just kill you faster. There is no miracle elixir, and you are an idiot if you think otherwise. You know Father has some connection to the tree. What if this just makes it easier for him to control you? The tree inside you is spreading isn't it? You can cut at it all you want... It is growing despite your best efforts. Maybe it won't kill you. Maybe it will simply assume control of your form. A new set of strings for Father to make you dance on. Oh I can't wait... Soon now, so very soon... Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock... Your time is running short. Soon we shall see the end of this petty teenaged rebellion against Father. One way, or another."

A sigh and a half-hearted glare. "I know there isn't a miracle elixir. Don't be an idiot. It's just... I might as well try right? I mean what do I have to lose?" A bit of a laugh. "And this is only IF we can find everything this guy was talking about. It's going to be a bitch to gather all this together and it's not as if Val and I have a lot in the way of cash anymore either. I... honestly don't know where to start."

"You have nothing to lose. Hence, money should not be an issue. Just do what you do best. Kill some random man in the streets and take his wallet."

"You really just want me out stabbing people, eh? Blood-lusting igit." A quirk of the brow. "Should I go all-out maybe and drop a piano on someone? Or is that too old-school?"

"Perhaps you should find your OWN killing style."

"Right, right. How silly of me. First I'd need a mask that fools NO ONE and a ridiculous name. I more or less already have the look, eh?" A snap of the fingers. "That's it! I'll start beating people with hockey sticks and force them to listen to a mix tape of Celin Dion and Justin Beiber. The worst Canada has to offer~"

"Lets be honest. That is still more threatening than some of the Proxies out here."

"Hehehaha~! Jesus, Twinkle, was that nearly a compliment? I am absolutely SHOCKED."

"I am nothing if not unpredictable."

A smirk. "True. Which makes you as annoying as you are amusing. Nine times out of ten, you just give me a headache."

"Then why don't you tell me to shut up?"

A pause. "...Even if you aren't real... talking to a Proxy is..." I don't finish.


I growled a bit. "It doesn't change anything, Twinkle."

"I don't even have to try with you, do I? My, my..."

"If you have something to SAY, then just SAY it already."

"I have said a lot already."

"Then go away. I have to pack."

"HA. As you wish..."

"It is. Shoo. Until next time, asshole."

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Give and Take

You got your answer, Nightscream. Though you already knew that, didn't you? Oh, yeah, cause you have fucking EVERYONE pegged, right? One day, I swear on our Father, it will come back to you. One day, you'll get outmatched and, even if I'm not around to see it... you can rest assured I'll be laughing my ass off when you get your ass kicked through the gates of Hell to land on your face in front of all the Runners and Proxies you "played" with. Me included. I think they'd be happy to see you, don't you?

So... yeah. Shit hit the fan. I probably reacted stronger than I should have but...

I'm glad I did. It got someone involved that got through to Val in a way I couldn't. A way she won't let me, or maybe just one it's not possible for me to understand...

(and yes, Sage, I saw your comment too and I apologize for disagreeing but...)

Gargoyle's post... and later his comment.

Thank you.

Your words pried at the same unmovable object that I'd been trying to budge this entire time... and you shook her. Not much - but enough to get her going. I just... used the leverage provided to keep the progress in motion. She's heard the supporting "you can do eeeeeeeeet" comments over and over again. She doesn't believe them. She barely reads them. What she NEEDED was a wake-up call... and Gargoyle helped give it. The 'cunt' comment probably would have been better as just 'bitch', but that being said... I saw my best friend wanting to die - I'm not arguing with results here.

Part of me... still wants to curse myself for not being able to get my own best friend to speak to me without that first little shove provided by someone else... but the other side has already swung far past the point of trying to convince myself I should be capable of what is 'normal.'

Valerie and I... sort of hashed things out. Words, yells, and whispers. All choked into one conversation that we should have had a year ago... God, where does the time go...? It's... going too fast. Way too fast.

Can't it... slow down just a little?

I'm not ready for things to end yet.

I'm not ready to let Valerie go yet.

...Heh. Saying it like that... seems so caring, doesn't it? Like the bond between us - between a Sage and a Proxy - is unbreakable. As if we think the glorious power of friendship will last us through any storm. As if it'll make the waves less high. Wind less fierce. Heh.

I wish that could be the case. I honestly do.

But it's not even close.

That was actually one of the things that has been eating away at Valerie from the inside out. My... bizarre behaviour towards her. During our talk, she went on about her self-hatred for what she's done to me. She screamed about how she took my 'dependency' and used it to keep herself safe. About how she's no better than Father is for how she jerks me around.

How she has... ordered me around.

"I can't even say it was to your benefit anymore. I pointed you at Nightscream, and you followed orders like the fucking attack dog everyone thinks you are! You are my BEST FRIEND, Michelle! You don't deserve to have a leash on you! But I'm the one who put it there!"

It was at that point... that I fully understood the mistake I'd made. 

How many times now have I sworn to be honest with her? With all of you?

And yet I still find a reason to hide something.

I suppose it's my nature, eh?

A Proxy's nature.

I honestly figured it wouldn't hurt her to be in the dark about my intentions between us since I sorta wanted to avoid making things... awkward. I just decided it would be easier on both of us if she didn't know. I never figured it would end up eating her up like this with guilt. I didn't think she'd start blaming herself like she has...

It's hard to predict things you don't feel yourself.

She calls herself a manipulator and I guess... that is somewhat true. Though if you guys plan to crucify her for that, I'd suggest setting up more than one cross. You're ALL guilty of it. Not one person does something for someone else out of the simple goodness of their own hearts - especially when the stakes are this damn high. They simply don't. There's always a prize for each player at the end of the day - even if we don't want to admit it.

For Val, she "uses" me for protection.

For me... I use her for another purpose entirely.

I am... a Proxy on the wrong side. I've said this quite a few times before, and yet... no one really questioned how I was pulling that off, now, did they? It actually kind of amused me in some ways. You all read along as I went through one shitfest after another... but it's always been the same tones, hasn't it?





And sadistically amused. Can't forget that one. 

But what actual EMOTIONS have you seen from me?





Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when, on my very first posts on a blog that was supposed to be for FUN... I said that I have a hard time feeling any emotion. At the time, I blamed the spirits at my house for mindfucking me into oblivion with nightmares. Now though...? I don't blame them as much. I still remember the nightmares, but I can NOW remember Steven holding me when they upset me. I was okay. It was... during my brother's Haunting, I think, that I stopped... feeling as other people do.

No, scratch that. No beating around the bush anymore.

I don't feel emotion. Point blank.

Fucking hell, I didn't even cry when my family was slaughtered and my home burnt down. I. Didn't. Cry. Sure, I broke, but that's not the same thing, now, is it?

I didn't cry for them.

I didn't cry for my friends.

All these lives, even the ones I took myself - the same lives which are represented on my necklace of metal washers - they don't bother me. Taking lives has never bothered me. In fact... it's been easy to live with. I've never lost a night's sleep from having killed someone - not even that boy that Father pulled the strings of. I watched the light go out in his eyes... and yet, my panic wasn't for that.

My panic was because, inside, I'd enjoyed it nevertheless.

Sort of funny, isn't it? The deeds aren't what bothers me - it's the fact that they don't bother me, that bothers me.

I told you my necklace is my reminder, and it is. The weight around my neck from this chain... replaces what SHOULD be weighting on my mind, but isn't. It reminds me what I'll have to answer for what my last call comes. 

That's why I keep it on.

Because I figure I'd forget about them if I didn't.

And, trust me, this isn't me "trying to be badass." It never has been.

In fact, I have my own word for what I am: Pathetic. Inhuman. Heartless. Ruthless.

I am a Proxy.

I have been since I was... about nine years old, I figure. But something just... got in the way. For one reason or another, I forgot my Father's image... and then when He came for me last year, I panicked and ran. I think a part of me already knew even at that point what was "wrong" with me, but I was in denial. Sweet, merciful denial...

Not so merciful when you get snapped awake though, eh?

Honestly, it's not so bad. Sure, I'd LIKE to be normal, but really...? Why do I need to hide? Why do I have to try to hold myself to YOUR own moral standings when I'll never be able to reach them? When they don't even make SENSE to me? Why do I need to try to guide myself with emotions I don't have? With values I don't have?

But above all of this - all of the murdering and backstabbing or torturing - there is one trait that myself and my siblings have in common with one another. Something that is actually a very respectable quality: Loyalty.

No matter how strong or sadistic or insane a Proxy is.... they all have a deep, unshakeable loyalty for Father.

I have this.

It pounds like a drum in my head - just begging me to fall into tune with it.

It hurts not to.

I knew... I had to do something before the tug of war tore my mind in two.

So... I made my vow of loyalty.

But not to Father.

I vowed my loyalty - my service - to the Sages.

Hakurei Ryuu. AmalgamationSage. Kay.

Zero. Maduin. Amelia.

Robert. Shaun. Jay.

All of them. Dead or alive.

The Legacy of the Sages.

You see, I've always been a person who follows logic. Raw, unforgiving logic.

Logically, Proxies have always been loyal followers.

Logically, a vow of loyalty cannot be sworn to two sides at the same time.

Logically, I could use this to protect myself from Father just a bit more and quiet the drums.

One less thing for Him to use against me.

I use Valerie... as my physical representation of this vow. She was and still is the perfect candidate. Val has the morals I do not, while I have the survival instincts that she does not. She needs me as much as I need her. If she were to die, I would no longer have the physical presence to keep my vow planted as solidly as it is now. After all, Sage is obviously fine on his own, and Kay - if she is still alive - would shoot me in the face if we were to meet. I would land up right back in that same old tug of war with Father... and, eventually, I would fail to hold my ground. He would take me. And I would serve Him just as He has always wanted me to.

So, I protect Hakurei Ryuu.

Call it a symbiotic relationship if you want to.

I put myself through whatever I need to in order to ensure her survival.

Because if she dies, I would have no excuse to continue being Father's Rebellious Daughter.

That being said.. I have now given her the option to tell me to leave, but, logically, even she could see that we make the perfect partnership. Use and be used. All for the sake of survival.

Val took it hard at first. She was in tears. Saying 'sorry' over and over again... I guess she pities the position I've set for myself. All I really could do was hold her hands from across the table and let her cry - she obviously needed it out of the system. After she got over that, we continued talking. Sorting out where we both stood in regard to everything that has happened and might happen in the future. We spoke my history, about Morningstar, about Sage and Kay and the Devil Eyes and Valerie's family and the school burning down.

We talked about Valerie's last post.

And then... she said this:

"No... It was always me, there was always something about me... No. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I don't get to walk out halfway through just because I'm tired; I don't deserve that courtesy. This is not what I came here to accomplish. If you want me to be your... If you want me to have that kind of charge over you, then I will. But..." She trailed off, obviously not sure how to word her concerns. 

"...But I am still your friend, Val. I'll still tell you off when you need it and bug you til I get a damn smile." I grinned. "I think we can manage that instead of 'servant', no?"

She groaned at the 'servant' part and leaned forward again. "Ugh. You were right to be hesitant about bringing this up. This IS weird." A pause. "But yeah. I guess this could be something that works, so long as everybody knows what their give and take is..." She looked at me square in the eye. "But you are going to get your damn arm treated in a way that DOESN'T involve a knife. I've had it up to HERE with that."

I laughed, tone playing mocking. "Is that an order, m'lady~?"

I watched her try to stop from smiling. She couldn't~ "...Oh, shut UP."

I win~

Some of you... might agree with this little deal we have going. Some of you... not so much.

This may not be "right"... but as far as I feel, it definitely isn't "wrong" either.

We're not done yet.

Game on.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

"Do you have a fucking death wish?!"

...What the fuck do you say... when the only response you get for a question like THAT is silence? What the hell do you...?


I was giving Valerie space. I thought she was giving ME space... but do you know what she did? What she was doing ALL FUCKING NIGHT when we got away from Nightscream? Not last night (because I fucking wouldn't LET HER OUT OF MY SIGHT) but the one before that?

She sat outside. All. Fucking. Night.

Soaking wet.

In the cold, spring rain.


She went and... sat outside. Practically ASKING....

When I finally moved from my little Think Spot when dawn broke, I went to wake Val like I usually do before going to make the morning coffee... and she was nowhere. To be. Fucking. FOUND. I nearly had a goddamn heart attack! We only JUST got back and she was gone AGAIN?! The fucking worst kept running through my head - that Screamer had come back to get Val back for what she did to him/her.

Then... I found her.

Cold as fucking death itself.

Sitting outside.

I hauled her inside - yelling my question. My ONE question that was supposed to have been rhetorical... but she made it so damn real I felt the sting as the silence practically slapped me across the face. No eye contact, no NOTHING.

She wants to die.

I honestly wish she'd just fucking screamed it in my face. At least THEN she might be talking to me NOW. At least THEN I wouldn't be reminded of how she was in her comatose state. When I couldn't get a damn thing out of her. When SAGE could, but I couldn't...

Months ago, when I first showed up after my family farm burnt down, she FORCED me to promise to never give up. To just keep trying. Keep fighting. During all my fucking rage issues and extreme lows... she told me to never deny myself the opportunity to change things for the better. All the days of forcing myself through the sheer fucking AGONY that came along with not listening to Father's Will... of listening to her speeches about not letting Them win...

And she wants to die.

Honestly, I've seen that look on her face before. Many times. I just... never thought that's what it was. I mean... yes, living like this sucks and I know she's been through a lot, but... to want to die? It just doesn't fit with what I know of her... it just... doesn't fit.

And I've asked her.

I've practically BEGGED her at this point to tell me what's going on...

But she won't speak to me. At all. So, I need you guys to speak to her for me. To try to knock some fucking sense into her skull, cause she won't listen to two words that I have to say...

She's my best friend.

I can't lose her.

I just... can't.

Please help me out here.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Never Escape

I went for her.

At the hotel room, I had told her not to go. That she shouldn't be alone. I told her that I'd come. Arguing or not, even if we walked a distance from each other, it was better than--

She told me to Stay.

I did.

I shouldn't have. I should have followed. Then maybe...


it doesn't matter.

we would still have been in the same position. maybe worse.

They were waiting.

They wanted her. me.


They were wwaiting.

Scream was of coruse, bbut I didn't think.. I didn't...

I didnt expectthis. I jus




I... must have gotten there at around 3am. A little indoor swimming place. Even though I tried to sneak up, I... I was soon called out. I heard my name in an all-too-familiar sing-song voice. I saw a grin and a way-too-eager wave as a figure walked along the top of a low, stone wall along the front of the property - a little bit of a skip to each step. Long, black blazer over a disorganized suit. Pale skin. Shoulder length, pale blonde hair under a black fedora.

He was there.

Waiting for me.

"MISHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! My dear, sweet sister~! It's been too long! GIVE US A HUG! Come now, don't be SHY." He tossed a blade in the air, catching it in the opposite hand. "I've been waiting quite a while now to give YOU the chance to come back from the dead too. Only, knowing your track record, I'd imagine you'd fail at that part-way through as well. But we won't know unless we try, riiiiiiiight~?"

He laughed.

That fucking laugh.



I had both of my knives out when I stepped out. one was mine. theotherhis.

Rule still in effect: No guns.

His grin widened as I stepped up, bristling. He jumped down from the wall and smiled at me as I practically demanded to know how the hell he got out. How the hell he SURVIVED... but he just winked at me while going on about 'trade secrets'. He started to circle around me like a vulture sizing up its next meal while rambling about how it's been absolute torture to stay under the radar - not being able to "reassure all [his] fangirls, like Sagey, of [his] continued existence in ALL [HIS] SUPREME GLORY!" He went on about how he was finally going to be able to return to his place in the spotlight again and get back to work as per the norm - perhaps starting with Valerie's family.

"It's been such a LONG time since I 'Lit up the Night', now, hasn't it, dear? Why, I can barely remember it... well, except the part where I carved your daddy up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Hahaha! Now THAT was FUN. If he hadn't been an old fart, I probably would have cooked him up. Maybe make a good meal with mashed potatoes and gravy... AND STUFFING! Yes! YES! Made from that damned horse you loved so much! What was his name? Uh... Haggataway? Naggataway? HAHAHA. Maggotaway is more appropriate now isn't it? But your daddy was so OLD. And CANADIAN. And Father knows you Canadians taste like shit. AND Maple Syrup. You REALLY need to cut back on that crap. Ruins the meal for those of us who enjoy the delicacy. So very rude of you."

"TWINKLE. Shut. The Fuck. Up already. You've been 'alive' ten minutes and already I have a headache. Where the HELL is Valerie? What the fuck did you do with her?!"

He tilted his head to the side. "Who~? Sorry, name doesn't ring a bell. Maybe you have the wrong address."

I stepped forward, glaring. Tone low. "Where is she, Twinkle. Stop fucking around."

He leaned forward, smiling. Hands clasped behind his own back. "Hm, and why should I do that? I'm only just getting warmed up, Michelle~ Can't you tell... how much I've MISSED you?"

I'd already jumped back before I even saw the flash of steel. Instincts telling me to move, so I moved. He rushed me. I swung with one blade while spinning the other around to come from the opposite direction. He dodged both before grabbing my jacket, cracking his skull against mine. I stumbled back - vision swelling for a moment through the pain - but he just crossed his arms and pouted.

"You know, most people get BETTER with time. Not worse. I'm disappointed in you, sister. Is that really all you can do?"

"SHUT UP! Where. THE FUCK. Is Hakurei Ryuu, you son of a bitch?!"

He laughed again. "Hahaha~! Oh, I wouldn't bother worrying about Haku-Chan, Mishy. Screamer is playing with HER while I get YOU." Another toss of the blade. "Trust me, sister. Don't worry about them. You REALLY can't afford to focus on anything but Me, Me, Me, Me and ME!"

He lunged.

We fought.

Moving fast. Hitting hard. Blades snapping against each other. Punches and shoves and kicks that send us BOTH to the ground, then back to our feet, then back down again. It was chaos. Movement moving into movement. Attack into attack. And all through it... he never stopped grinning. Not once. My head was just... pounding, but I ignored it. Even my arm wasn't stopping me. Pain was... irrelevant at that point. The world was irrelevant. It was just us. Myself and Morningstar. There was nothing else. Nothing.

At least, until I heard a yell. A shout of my name for help.

I knew the voice.

I saw Nightscream and Valerie at a doorway into the building. He/she holding her back. Keeping her from interfering in the fight. She was struggling, but she seemed too tired to break free.

I drew my gun.

Morningstar hit me from the side, slamming me back against a wall as the gun fell from my hand. I grabbed him by the head and twisted my leg around his, throwing off his balance to allow me to crack his skull against that same wall as I slipped around him - focused on Nightscream. I don't know what in my head thought I could...

I had to save Valerie, didn't I?

Yes. Yes, I did. Save Valerie. Had to find a way. Would have found a way...


couldn't... i justcou


Before I could get there, Morningstar tackled me. He was bleeding down the side of his face, but not willing to give up. Not willing to let my focus shift. The injury didn't even seem to BOTHER him even though it should have. He was still grinning even as he cracked his fist across my jaw, trying to rattle my senses so he could pin me easier. I took the hit. I felt his hands on my wrists... and I remember yelling something. Kneeing him in the gut - using the gained wince to steal back my good arm. I aimed the punch for the same spot that was bleeding from the wall.

He fell to the side.

I was on him an instant later - straddling him as my knife sunk into his chest, twisting the blade hard... and he still just... grinned up at me. Eyes dancing with devilish delight without a shred of pain in his expression. He stopped fighting back, but yet... there was something else I saw in those eyes at that point.

"I win."

And the face I stared into... began to change.

The... image of Morningstar jus tmelted away... grinning up at me as it did... until I was staring into the eyes of someone I'd never seen before. He had the same build, but his hair was shaggy brown and he stared up at me with green eyes brimming with fear, confusion, and agony. Tears began to run down his face as it twisted in the pain I had given him. The blood in his throat refused him words, but I could see them clear as day in his eyes. 

Where am I?

What happened to me?

Who are you?

Oh, God, I'm going to die.

I watched the light fade. Intense green turning dull.



A moment prior, he had worn a dead man's face.

Then he was one himself.

i... i couldn't think

panic started to grip my mind. i stumbled back to my feet. backing up. backingupwith eyes eyes eyesgluedonthe boy demandingto know knowwhohewas knowwhat what wasgoingon


I already knew.

Nightscream knew I already knew. Laughing at me even as he/she kept Valerie close. One arm around her middle and the gauntlet around her shoulders - blades daring me to take a risk. didnt wanttoriskit. Scream... almost looked like it was keepingherup keeping her fromcollapsing she looked sopale looking readytobe sick...

My sibling smiled as he/she tilted his/her head at me. "He was a face in a crowd, Mitch. A Runner. Someone who Father had placed strings on and fitted with a costume to suit His Will. His role was to die. Nothing more." Scream's voice... sounded sick. He/she had rattle in his/her chest that accompanied every word... but the confidence still made my stomach turn. "You played your part perfectly, sister. You should be ever so proud."


Val... did something to Nightscream then.

she told me later... she... i don't even know. I didnotknow she could do that.

Scream suddenly staggered in his/her footing. Smile turned to gritted teeth as whatever change took place. Valerie thrashed to get free - blood flowing as the gauntlet slashed across her shoulder in the struggle - before she was suddenly thrown to the ground. Hard. I felt like I only blinked before a handgun was drawn, but... Scream didn't get the chance to aim before he/she started hacking painfully. Coughing up blood that splattered to the ground and ran down his/her chin. Stealing his/her breath with the fit as Scream caught hold of the wall. Using it to keep standing as his/her body turned against him/her. Buckling slightly with the pain, but not dropping.

I grabbed Val and yanked her to her feet.


When I glanced over my shoulder... I saw Nightscream taking aim.

I shoved Valerie to the side.

Two shots fired.

One missed.

The other pierced right through my arm. The bad one. Luck.

we didn't stop

been running ever sicne

We're settled into a hotel for the night.

we haven't spoken much.

not much tosay


I prefer the dark of the room anyway.

Gives me a chance to think... to be alone with my mind... and the hallucination of someone I now know I can't escape. That I can never escape. Even all these months later... Morningstar will never leave me.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

I saw it.


That goddamn "shadow" that's been following me all around hell's half acre and BACK again for MONTHS on end. Today. I saw it. Or should I say I saw HIM?

You goddamn asshole. You. Fucking. ASSHOLE. I have to admire your PATIENCE if nothing else. I knew that laugh was familiar. I FUCKING KNEW IT. But I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't POSSIBLE. But then I guess I shouldn't have doubted a guy as creative as you, eh?

I watched you FALL.

I saw you BURN.

But you looked just FINE when I saw you.

All this time I thought I was hallucinating. All this time I thought it was just my mind playing tricks. I thought I was just being paranoid. But it was you all along, wasn't it? I'm not hallucinating it. You're alive. You're still. Fucking. ALIVE.

Valerie can confirm that. She didn't see you as clear as I did, but you were already walking away at that point. Doing your little vanishing act. She's been trying to get me to calm down all damn evening. Trying to suggest that it could have been someone else. That it might not be you at all.

But I know who I saw. Even if you had a goddamn TWIN, he wouldn't be able to copy that grin. That same fucking grin. Same fucking EVERYTHING. You haven't changed a bit, have you? You fucking goddamn...

How did you escape? HOW? Can you AT LEAST tell me that? Did Valtiel step in? Hm?

What I don't get though... is why wait this damn long? Why stay THIS long under the fucking radar? WHY? Is the mutt not allowed a blog anymore since you got part of your own team killed?


Why couldn't you just stay dead, you son of a bitch?

That's why Father hasn't let up, isn't it?

The Game isn't Complete between Us yet.


More than fine.

This time. I really will watch the light go out, Twinkle.

So whatever the fuck you have planned... LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.