30/08/11 - Stupidest decision of my life. But it's all still a GAME, right? I guess I just had a bit more fun with it back then, hn~? Still. Wouldn't change a thing.
Well... I felt like death warmed over today. I didn't get to bed until... what? 2am? Fucking ridiculous. I was out before my head even hit the pillow. Another empty night - just the way I like it - then I got to wake up at 5am to the seizure-inducing sound of my goddamn alarm clock. Back when I actually DID dream, I actually HAD bad dreams about that damn sound. On a scale of one to ten, if nails on a chalkboard was a ten... my alarm clock would be an eleven or twelve.
I remember one dream where I literally woke up INSIDE MY DREAM all damn night. I would "wake" to the blare of my alarm clock and realize I was way late for work. As in, I was supposed to be there this very minute. Why was my alarm clock going off then? Who knows. Does logic even apply to these things? Anyway, I'd throw myself out of bed, run downstairs, throw on some clothes, open the door to my house... and then BAM! I'd be right back in bed "waking up" to the sound of my alarm again. I must have done that five... six times? Maybe more. Needless to say... I woke up absolutely exhausted.
Yeah. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that shit anymore.
So, three guesses what was on my brain all day at work~? Don't be shy - take a wild stab at it! See if you hit a main artery~
Heh. One thing that you can probably guess about me is that once something catches my attention, I'm like a cat with a mouse. ...Or a pencil. Cats seem to get amused by pencils. Well, Psycho, my cat, does~ Then again, there doesn't seem to be much that doesn't amused that feline. She's special~ I just look at her and I know she's plotting my "accidental death." Feh. Then who's going to feed you, hm? Haven't thought that through, now have you, you adorable little demon~?
She likes her pepsi box~
...Slight derailment of my Train of Thought. Sorry about that~
Anyway, I made my decision at work... so, when I got home, I quietly sat down... and I prayed...
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........to the almighty knowingness of Google, that is. Yeah, yeah, I promised, and it was a deal whatever, whatever, but, honestly? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest person you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly... it's the honest ones you have to watch out for. For you can never predict when they're about to do something incredibly... stupid~ That being said, I know for an absolute FACT that Val won't come onto my blog again after our deal, so I can write whatever I want and don't have to worry about backlash. She's the honest one. I'm not, but she'd never figure I'd go back on my word to her. Normally, I really wouldn't but... it's just an RPG, eh~? She'll never find out, and I get to satisfy my curiosity... win:win~ "Dumbass" is written across my forehead during this. I assure you.
You going to rat me out? What fun would THAT be?
I was quite happy, actually, when I typed in "Slenderman" and actually got a shitload of hits. I was worried for a while that it was something specifically to do with whatever Val is caught up in buuuuuuuuut, apparently not~ This guy seems to get around. Websites, pictures, videos, fanfictions... and, if Val's is any indicator, blogs too. I honestly wasn't really impressed by some of the pictures of this guy, but the no-face concept sort of grew on me. I like it now~
The first thing I came across was a site that described this "Slenderman" as a combination between Doc Ock (Spiderman) and Mr. Fantastic (Fantastic Four) all dressed up in true Men In Black style. That... honestly didn't sound like something Val would go for, so I went to here instead. What sparked my immediate attention was the mention of the collective thought process actually being the cause of his creation. Not only was that on Val's blog, but it's something I myself have immense interest in so, in other words: SCORE.
That site has since brought me to the Marble Hornets youtube channel. I remember finding this sometime early last year, but it didn't really catch my attention so I only watched the first few videos. I had other obsessions at that time, but now... heh~ I'm planning on starting on that tomorrow.
In other news... new clients are new~~ Something a little different now to celebrate a very different kind of day....
After I posted my rant, I went browsing Blogger. After a while, I found a blog... that was written by a very close friend of mine: Hakurei Ryuu. It was an RPG thing. I posted a comment on it (I thought I had my name on Anonymous, but apparently not?) and Valerie... got very defensive. I've never seen her act this way before. She asked me to change over to MSN after a few post exchanges. I've now spent the last hour or so trying to figure out what the hell I just agreed to... but it's now past one fucking am and I have work in the morning and I'm way too tired. In true "WHAT THE FUCK" style, I'm posting the convo here.
Hakurei says:
*THERE you are! msn giving you trouble or something? you took forever...
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*It's only been a few minutes. What's going on?
Hakurei says:
*ack. just felt like forever, i guess. hell of a day.
*but yeah. i'd really like you to not read what i post on my blog. it's private.
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*It IS on the internet, you know. I found your username, how was I to know it was off limits to me? Honestly, I didn't think there WERE such grounds between us.
Hakurei says:
*argh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean it that way. i just never ONCE expected one of my friends to start up a blogspot account and... it just makes things unnecessarily complicated.
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*....Yeah, I guess I'm guilty for that same thought... actually, I was surprised to see your username. But, really... I just don't get what the big secret is? I mean, yes, it's an RPG blog and I'm SORRY for posting on it. I should have known better than that cause I probably screwed up the believeablity of it...
Hakurei says:
*it's... fine. it's probably better if it's a little less believable, actually. just don't do it again. and set your blogspot profile to private. and... don't read my blog. or any of the ones to do with it. it's really not something you'd be interested in.
*i'm just working on it privately, is all. i've got a crapton of other projects, but this is something i can do without deadlines or whatever. i don't really want my regular life getting over into that story.
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*I read through MorningStar's blog. That was funny as hell~ The whole coding thing was neat and you KNOW the insanity strikes a very good cord with me~ I actually AM interested in this. At least at the minute. Maybe I won't be later, who knows. How about I just stay off of yours?
*And, as for my profile, I want strangers to be able to find it. I need some sort of audience to creep out, right~? I just didn't want friends to find it. Gets... awkward.
Hakurei says:
*no. really. just... the whole thing, stay away from the whole idea. don't comment on them, don't read them. what you do with your own stuff isn't my business, i guess, but PLEASE just stay off all of this? plaese?
*i'm asking you as a friend. just don't get into this one. please.
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*Hun, are you okay? And I mean SERIOUSLY okay. Don't try to lie to me. You know that doesn't work with me.
*Look, if it means that much to you, I'll stay off of it. All of it. One condition though: You stay off of MY blog. That was never meant for you to see, anyway...
Hakurei says:
*i'm fine. just... the kids at work were pretty rowdy yesterday, it tired me out something hard. but if you don't want me to see what you write, that's fine. don't think i don't UNDERSTAND, but it's fine if that's the way you want it.
*just stay off of this story. please.
*i wanna keep all of it completely separate.
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*........If you say so, hun. It's a deal then.
Hakurei says:
*thanks. ^_^
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*You're welcome. Just don't overdo it, alright? Can't have you wearing yourself to the bone before I get down to visit you this summer~
Hakurei says:
*=D you kidding? your presence alone will put springs in my shoes! and believe me, i'd use a less lame metaphor if i wasn't so tired right now. XDD
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*That... just made my eye twitch. XD Damn straight though~ I look forward to the whole tour~ *Maybe you should head to bed then? I'll be going soon too. Work in the morning yada yada yada...
Hakurei says:
*probably. except dad suddenly got it into his head to bug me about laundry. friggingfraggityfragmumblegrumble.......
*i will do that, and then i will sleep.
+++Stein/Mitch+++ says:
*LMAO ah, parents. They have impeccable timing, yes? Alright. I'm off too. Take care of yourself. Night~
30/08/11 - This... is a rant/rage I was thrown into when I found out that a close friend of mine (Tanya) was getting dragged through the dirt by a once-friend of us both (Justin). I needed somewhere to blow steam so I wouldn't say something stupid to Tanya during the entire conflict. I had to watch Tanya cry. I wanted to kill Justin. I really did. I don't care what the fuck any of you say. I needed this rant. And I still stand by it.
Humans.
Genetically closest to pigs. Physically closest to monkeys. Mentally closest to sheep. Behaviorally closest to fucking viruses.
Try to deny it.
I fucking DARE you.
The Matrix may have been a shitty series (okay, the first one was decent enough), but they did get that one concept dead-on. We're an invasive species on this planet. I swear, we fucking have to be. The only other things that devastate as efficiently as we do are viruses and other invasive species in other ecosystems. Like the bullfrogs in Australia, for one example out of the literal THOUSANDS out there that are only considered "invasive" now because we - us 'Wise Man' - fucking BROUGHT them there! I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you take a foreign body and place it somewhere that it has never had ground in before that it is going to fuck. With. The. System.
NOT THAT HARD.
Oh, but don't be fooled, my dear friends, for our ignorance and arrogance does not stop there! Oh, no, for what fun would it be to exclude our own race from this shitfest~? No fun at all~ Like rabid dogs, we wag our tail at a fellow pack-mate one second, then sink our own teeth into their throats the very next - ripping out as much life and spirit as we possibly can like our own lives depended on the bloodlust. Even when our once-friends cower in defeat, it is never enough. Chew off a leg. Bite off their ears. Claw at their flesh. TEAR THEM APART. It's not enough to betray! Not nearly enough! We have to make them hate themselves - for surely it was their fault that such a wonderful friend such as you would turn against them! Yes, That's what you want, isn't it?! To make them feel like a piece of garbage! To deceive and lie and then plunge the dagger straight through the very spine of your chosen fool... does the blood gurgling in their throat get you off, I wonder? Do you like watching the soul of someone who actually did care for you shrivel and die?
I swear. Some of you are fucking LUCKY that I made a promise. Because otherwise I'd be STRINGING THE LOT OF YOU UP BY YOUR OWN FUCKING INTESTINES!!!
See... I happen to agree with the good doctor, Hannibal the Cannibal Lector: One should dine on the rude~
Good people, after all, are an endangered species in these times. It's not respectable to pick off their numbers when they are so few and far between to begin with.
Besides... using the sadistic and crushing nature of the common man against them... 'tis a beautiful thing~ People don't seem to like the game so much when they find themselves on the losing end. Not that I can do as much as I'd like to them. No, I have to keep focus... but, oh my sweet oblivion, what wonderful visions invade my mind of what I would do to all of you. It makes me smile to think of it~
Bodies - thousands of them - hanging from makeshift gallows all across towns and cities with their buildings and trees all put to equal use~ These ones... these fools that I actually bothered to hang now swing subtly in the calm breeze - skin paled to a bluish white and lips stark blue. Rigor mortis is already a faded memory for most - their limbs free to shift with the faintest movement of nature as their clothing ruffles softly in a manner that reminds me of a gentle wave on the beach. Flowing. Peaceful. Quiet. A stark contrast to the bloodbath below their feet. The streets would be coated in a sweet crimson bath provided by the corpses of humans that the world is better off without. My knives would feel like just extensions of my arms as I continue to hunt every last one of you sons of bitches.
What sweeter vision do I have in my head... than a man collapsing to his knees as he desperately tries to stop his organs from spilling out of his gashed-open abdomen~? He now lay crumpled up into a ball amongst all the others - still holding himself as he most likely prayed for his precious God to save him or smite me or both. What a pity, really~ Spending your last moments with a figment of man's overactive imagination - a figure created for that sad, sad lonely man all those years ago who screamed to the heavens, "What meaning is there to my life? Why am I here? What can I do?"Justin was also highly religious. One of her blades against us was how we were both going to Hell, and she to Heaven for she BELIEVED. Yes, I'm aware I took it too far. I will not apologize.
Why, serve the church, my son, and pave your path to paradise and the great Father!
...Or, at least, a cardboard cutout of what you want Him to look like. Ignore all similarities to Greek Gods, that's entire your imagination and don't forget that individual thought is BLASPHEMY~ Collection plate, yes~? Pay your dues or God will plague your family and make your horse eat your cow~ Okay? Okay.
Religions... feh. Butcher houses of the mind~
After all, religion has fueled so much hatred, has it not~? "Join us or you're going to burn in Hell!" Huh, oh really? And your nutcase leader who convinces his own people to blow themselves up will be spared? The Priest who gets a little too jolly with the alter boy will be delivered? The seventh-day activist who escapes into the bottle and beats their kids is good-to-go?
Hehe~ Ah, and you were getting so steamed because you thought I was focusing on the church alone, didn't you~? Well, sorry to burst your bubble - but all of you stand in the same river of blood and bone. Can you smell it? Taste it on your tongue~? Feel it cling to you, pull at you, claw at you? Those are the ones slain by the organizations you all bend your knee to. Of course, it is human nature, yet again. We fear the unknown, and what is more unknown than what happens after death? I suppose it is not the fault of the sheep that they follow the shepherd's lead. They figure he knows where the green grass is, hm? How to seek shelter against weather and those oh-so-savage wolves? The original ideas, I'm sure, were pure ones. One really can't be surprised that it broke so badly. It's a captive audience, after all. Such practically breeds corruption~
It all comes down to the same thing. Always. One person believing that - for whatever reason - they deserve everything and that person or thing over there deserves pain, suffering, death, or worse. No one sees equal ground. No matter what part of history you dissect, it's always the same damn thing repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and no, this isn't 'copy, paste', I'm actually typing this over and over and over and over and over and over and over andoverandoverandoverandoverandoverANDOVERANDOVERANDOVER...
It's always the same.
Can you tell... I've had one Hell of a fucking day?
30/08/11 - "Who I am with attitude issues" should have been the title. Good luck.
"Weren't you banished to Foodcourtia? Shouldn't you be... frying something?"
"Oh, I quit that after I heard about this!"
"......You quit being banished?!"
My favorite quote from Invader Zim to kick this off~
I suppose... it would be best to start out explaining how I got to the point where I'm just a few stitches short of a true blue straight jacket. Heh. Haha~ I still don't understand. I really thought I knew myself back then, didn't I? Oh well. C'est la vie.No, no, I'm not one of those special people who believe they were insane since birth. That's rarely the case, in my own opinion. Maybe I was a little off my rocker from the get-go (genetic fuckery for the win!), but I know that there were plenty of external influences that picked away at my sanity day by day.
Apart from being the black sheep of the extended family, my own family was fairly stable. Being the youngest of our little clan and the only girl, I had the joy of growing up with three older brothers. One, sadly, died when I was young - severe brain lesions, let's leave it at that. There was always yelling in the house, but nothing traumatizing. Dr. Phil probably wouldn't agree, but fuck him - he's just an annoying-ass know-it-all.
What truly did the most "damage" to my mind was our house... or perhaps I should say "the uninvited guests in and around our house" instead? We moved here in 1994 and right from the start there were problems. The Devil Book was one issue that was dealt with (POORLY dealt with, but no turning back the clock now~ I'll touch back to this story in a future post, probably.), but no one really had any way of dealing for what my issue became. They just thought they were nightmares. I could never explain them in detail to express just how bad they were because I didn't have the words at that age to describe what I'd been seeing and feeling. How does a four year old explain having their skin peeled off? Or being thrown in a trunk in our own attic and left to starve to death? And actually FEELING your insides eating themselves? I'm living proof that the person who said "if you die in your dream, you die in real life" is full of bullshit. I've died more times than I can count! As I got older, I myself believed they were only nightmares and didn't mention them when I had them - which was usually three or four nights out of seven. I ignored it. I went back to sleep. Eventually, I got numb to it. Eventually, I even started laughing at them~
They'd been playing with me. They worked for fifteen years to get me to crack - to get me to make my nightmares reality and commit suicide - and it nearly worked. I kept myself functional, somehow. I managed to set up a sort of "wall" inside myself, and that's probably what kept me sanealive during that time. I was in deep depression, but alive. I feel as though I no longer feel emotion like a normal person, but I am still alive.
Then, about four years ago, I started getting DAYdreams of myself getting killed. I would go into something of a trace and see/feel myself getting massacred by whatever machine or animal or whatever was in my line of view. I thought I was truly losing my grip on reality... but I guess I held on long enough because I found my rope.
I befriend someone who, apparently, knew a spiritually-damaged mind when they met one. She went to my high school. Honestly, I hated her guts to begin with and came damn close to throwing the first punch quite a few times, but after about a year she became my friend. My only friend, at the time, but we still weren't exactly chummy. I had no trust in people, so it took me years (and meeting someone else online) to realize she really was a good friend of mine. Now that I think of it, my reaction to her may have been them (it?) trying to keep me - their toy - away from someone that they could sense as a threat. And, oh hell, did she turn out to be a threat! She's the reason I can write about this without worrying about what kind of torture I'd be put through tonight~ They used to get fairly pissed when I'd mention them to anyone. It's been about a year since she helped me repress them since they were too damn strong to get rid of... and I've never slept so good!
I was changed at that point. Different. But I honestly don't know anymore how much of this is truth or bullshit. I'm working on that part.
Still though... the damage had been done~ I am what I am now. My mind has been tainted and there's no reversing that~ I honestly don't think I'd WANT to reverse it. Not completely, anyway. I love being able to creep out my friends. I love laughing until my guts are sore about concepts that disgust or horrify others. I love being that one freaking lunatic at the movie theatre that's killing themselves laughing in a dead horror-struck silence~ Oh, yes, my nobodies of the internet - that was ME~
After all this though... I don't dream anymore. At least, nothing I remember. I sometimes wonder if that's an indicator to how screwed up I am deep down, but, since I don't have nightmares either, I consider it a fair trade~ This is just how I am now. I have my public face of a responsible member of the community that I use to work my part-time jobs and run my small business, then I have my true face which is far less... agreeable with the public eye~ Heheheh, a little 'Jackel and Hyde', anyone~?
And the List. Oh joy. All truths though so... what can I say? I'm controversial.
I'm a rather sadistic little soul~ Not to animals (animal-lover, thank you very much~), but towards the rather crude, barbaric race known as 'Humans'... or 'Homo Sapiens', if you prefer. Really, the scientific name is laughable. 'Wise man'? Maybe we should try the Latin for 'unbelievably ignorant man' instead. It would suit the general population a hell of a lot more~ Not that I'm claiming to be any better. I wallow in the same mud as the rest of you. Doesn't mean I'm not aware of what we really are~ I have issues with people. So sorry. Deal.
I'm Atheist and proud of it~ I do believe in respecting the power of mother nature though (she's a bitch and will be happy to prove it~). I also believe in reincarnation - energy cannot be stopped, after all, only transferred. It all ties into the cycle of life and all that... and shampoo of course: lather, rinse, and repeat~
I support the death penalty - by a bullet, not this lame-ass lethal injection crap that's more expensive than it should be to kill someone. Serial killers don't usually drive themselves into the poor house killing their victims, why can't the government follow THAT example? If we're going to go broke killing someone, at least make it amusing and make them explode or something.Life Sentence is 25 years in Canada. Bail and good behaviour can half it. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Some people are just better off dead. Simple.
I support mercy killings~ We put down animals when it is too cruel to keep them alive. Why does this not apply to humans? Are we really that scared of death that we'd force people to cling to a life not even worth living anymore? When the mind is rotten, let the shell go. Simple as that. Would you believe I was actually referring to my nanny here? She had dementia. She didn't know who we were anymore and her frustration would make her violent. She used to be such a sweet woman... and by the end she lashed out and attacked her own grand-kid. What kind of life is that? She should have been allowed to pass on from the start. There... was always a chance it's hereditary. I always feared... that would become me.
I believe true peace is a idealist concept since the root of human behaviour is aggression~ ...Though we could do with a little less war. Bush should be charged with War Crimes - HUZZAH! I knew I could tie that in somehow! It's pretty much a given that humans are going to obliterate themselves... ehhh, I'd say within the next half a century. If that. Watch the news. Tell me I'm wrong.
I believe that there are a few good people in this world who light the darkness with just their presence alone. I, obviously, am not one of these people... but I do know of one~
I believe in the supernatural - of ghosts and things tainted so darkly they're better described as demons. I suppose, to balance, I'd also have to say I believe in angels... but I'll simply point to the statement above this one and leave it at that. I also believe that humans have abilities and capabilities that we're unable to understand or grasp very well - gifts that we're born with. I've been told that I do have something, but am unable to grasp it with thanks to my "wall". Damn, hm? Actually, this sort of ties into 'Mind Over Matter' as well~ Think, Believe, Create~ Reality is only what we choose to see it as, young grasshopper~
I don't fear death. I could die ten minutes from now and be fine with it~ The only things that really creep me out are kids and clowns... *puts on a cheesy accent* They should all be destroyed~ *cue creepy grin*
I absolutely LOVE angst and gore~It just... fascinates me.When that one guy exploded in the movie 'Watchmen', I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe when I saw that arm stuck to ceiling waving back and forth. Hello to you too~! Or when that guy on 'Jeepers Creepers' got beheaded on the bus and his body was lurching and jerking around like in some demented dance - HILARIOUS. Or in the Mummy when that fat asshole had a flesh eating scarab in his brain and ran himself into a wall screaming at the top of his lungs~ THAT was just plain awesome~ Or when Hannibal Lector hung that detective from the balcony, slicing his abdomen open beforehand so the guts splattered to the concrete below when the body jerked to a stop at the end of the rope~ Ah, good times~ Movies are such a good release for someone like me... and do I ever hate off-screen deaths! Those are just a tease...
I rely on Hollywood to appease me... when it doesn't, I turn to novels and fanfiction. When those don't do the trick, I either write my OWN fanfics (about 10x darker and more twisted than the original show) or I infect Gaia Online with some of my role-playing skills using the avatars of some of my favorite lunatics~ On my Franken Stein (anime: Soul Eater) account alone, I've been reported twice. Oops~
I don't deny my taste for destruction, of witnessing oblivion, of understanding human limits... but I hold true to what morals I do have. I would never break the hearts of those that are 'lighter' than me by... "experimenting". I recognize the line and will keep this side of it... even if I am painfully curious as to what is beyond it. I don't think I ever really understood what these words meant until I was caught up in the chaos myself. I can't say I was lying... but I'm not proud. At all. I am who I am... not much I can do about it.
And with that... I think this is enough for one post. Until next time, guinea pigs~
"The world will look up and shout 'save us'... and I will whisper... 'no'." Rorschach from Watchmen.
30/08/11 - I'd... actually forgotten about this...
...by my favorite number?
I'm not sure whether it's a good sign or not. All day, the number '11' and variations thereof presented itself. I rolled out of bed at 6:11 - 4 minutes before my alarm was due. I finished work at 11:11. I finished chores at 1:11. When heating up my lunch, I glanced at the time just as it read that 11 seconds remained. Same thing happened for my coffee later on. I happened to notice when the time reached 2:11, 3:11, as well as 3:49 (11 minutes to four). I was on the phone and had to check the time to figure out plans and it was 5:22 (11 x 2). I finished supper at 6:11. ...Just glanced at the clock now: 8:22 (11 x 2).
What am I supposed to be noticing? It's obvious that my subconscious is trying to tell me something, but I haven't a clue as to what. I did make a wish at 11:11 and 1:11... and I DID get what I wished for at around 4ish in the afternoon.
I don't know. On Tuesday, I had been in an EXTREMELY good mood. Yesterday, I had an EXTREMELY bad day (which even that is an understatement) which only made me depressed (not angry - that's how bad it was). Now this...? I never figured myself for overly superstitious, but eleven IS a power number. It showing itself to me THIS often can't be coincidence...
But is it a sign of good fortune? Or rough waters ahead? I hope for the former. Heh. Well now. That's nearly funny.
What is this? I was supposed to be using this blog as a means to vent. All I've done so far is make random observations. ...Maybe I'm avoiding myself? HA. Seriously, enough of that. Next post will revolve around 11 Minutes to Midnight's ORIGINAL purpose.
29/08/11 - Typical random blog post. Nothing of real interest.
Do you like my new banner~?
I like my new banner~ It makes me sick now.
Holy SHIT... did I ever wake up in a BAD fucking mood this morning! I was on the war path like a seasoned veteran. Don't know what got into me, honestly, because yesterday I was actually feeling rather upbeat. The weather here is beyond shit, but that's nothing new so that can't have anything to do with it. I don't know. Either which way: there was Hell to pay this morning...
Then... my car decided to become a DJ.
...No, I'm actually serious. And not even in the "I'm going to break down now" kind of way. I mean the bloody windshield whippers started setting down the base from "We Will Rock You" by Queen. Ch Ch Tek. Ch Ch Tek. WE--EE WILL, WE-EE WILL ROCK YOU! Ch Ch Tek. Ch Ch Tek. WE--EE WILL, WE--EE WILL ROCK YOU! Yeah, you have the mental image now, I'd imagine? Me (with a voice that could probably be used to torture POWs) belting out Queen, going down the road in the middle of a snow storm with one hand on the steering wheel and my other one slapping my knee while my windshield whippers kept the pace for me. I felt AMAZING. Failed to mention, of course, that I nearly went into a snowbank shortly after this. Heh. Even on here, gotta keep an image, hm? Though the windshield whipper thing did actually happen. Three cheers for truth.
Don't believe me?
You're just jealous because your car doesn't give a shit if you're in a pissy mood~
It's a black, 2000 Chevy Cavalier. My own little tank that has taken me through all kinds of weather and done battle against some of the worse drivers out there. She's only been in one accident and that was a spin-out on black ice. I slammed backwards into a stone wall just this winter. She now has a battle wound on her bumper, the passenger mirror is held on with electrical tape, and you have to really SLAM the trunk shut to get it to lock... but she's alright! No, she doesn't have a name. I either call her "my tank" or "THE Cavalier". Not 'a' - 'THE'. Respect her or I kill you, okay~? Okay.
Quite obviously... she's become as much of a music-addict as I am. Queen was an odd choice for her though. Next time maybe she'll play me some Nickelback, Linkin Park, Breaking Benjamin, or Metallica~
So, what song do I normally blast when I'm pissed? There are a number of them... but today - once my car had opted out of being DJ - I cranked this up on my ipod jack:
29/08/11 - Bloody hell, is this really how I started this goddamn thing? What a reason. What a fucking reason for them all to die. I'm editing it. What's blacked out either doesn't matter, or was just a goddamn lie. That simple. I'll add in truths where I can remember. No promises. But it's better than what I was offering back then. If you want to read the stupidity... by all means, go ahead. Just highlight the page...
My name is Michelle, but you can call me "Mitch."
I suppose the obvious point of entry would be to explain why the bloody hell I decided to start a blog. That seems to be how other people take their first stab at this, anyway. Normally I try NOT to follow crowds, but... well, that seems as good a place as any.
So here it is: I don't like talking to people~I just needed somewhere to rant. That's all.
Sort of strange, isn't it? I HATE being the topic of discussion, and yet I've decided to throw all of it - or as much as I can manage - onto the internet for all to see. ...Well, whoever manages to find this, anyway, which probably won't be many~ My friends won't look for a blog of all things by me because they KNOW me. They KNOW this isn't my thing. Funny how I'm going to prove them wrong. Like a little inside joke, almost~ In any case, this can't include them. I don't want it to. That's exactly the point: I need somewhere to go on rants where I know I'm not going to burden any of my friends with my issues. It's not like my issues are even that BIG... not compared to other stories, anyway, but I want to see what it feels like to take some of the things OUT of the closet in my mind that have been weighing over me a little too much recently. I want to unload a bit of my insanity onto this blog - to open the door to my own devil and give him free-reign on this page. No need for the lock. No need for the shackles. This is OUR space, as weird as that may sound.
No, I'm not going split-personality on you. I don't have that. I'm just trying to explain how I've trained myself over the years... and, believe me, it's a HARD thing to put into words.
I'm just insane.It's not that. It's just plain mindfuckery. I'm not normal. But I'm not insane. I just... see things different. That's all. For the most part... it was all just a game for me. A fucking joke. This blog was a fucking joke. A place to rant. Have a laugh. I guess He thought it really was funny of me. Decided to add His own punchlines. Fuck. How stupid was I?All those closest to me (there aren't many) have come to voice it eventually~ When I want to have fun, there is no greater feeling than creeping someone out. The look they give me after I offer a comment and a twisted smirk, the little laugh to quiet their own nerves, the way their voice changes... it's the most amusing thing in the world~ I don't normally have to try very hard either. They say that half of the impression I leave is in how I pronounce myself; how I speak. I'm not entirely certain how well that will translate onto this blog, but I'll have fun all the same trying to mess with my lovely readers' heads~
That's right. I'm targeting YOU.
How fortunate for you~
Though I do appreciate your cooperation in this little project of mine, of course. Wouldn't be possible without you as my guinea pigs~ After all, I may like to creep out my friends, but I still don't go 'loose rein' if you know what I mean. I don't want to push them away. They just know that I like to mess with them now and again. In between those times, I'm loyal. THAT never changes. For those I truly come to care for, I would die to save them... and kill to protect them~ And that never will change.
The latter of which I would enjoy a great deal~
Sadism and insanity are like freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies and a tall glass of raw, unpasteurized milk~ Nothing goes better together!
...And I STILL haven't thought of a name for this thing. "Untitled" sort of explains how I feel most of the time, but I need something a bit catchier if I'm going to stick with this, I think...
...
Hn. 11:49pm... eleven minutes until midnight here... and eleven IS my favorite number...
Alright. Random and yet meaningful to me~ That sounds good~
