Friday, June 17, 2011

leftbehind again

i killed one oneoffour. the others.... theotherskilledthree threemore fourinall fourfourfourfour fouroutofthirteen NOTENOUGH not enough notevenCLOSE theytooksomuchmore they.... No, not "they" - he. Morningstar. I made him mad. very mad. madikilledone theone theonethatisawtheonethatattackedmetheonewiththeREDREDRED we were all inthehouse allofustogetherwhentheyshowedcamecametokillus id told them. told mybrothers and dad. Told them they were coming a gang wascomingcomingcomingCOMINGTOOQUICK
the blood smear camefirst dogblood onthewindowwindowshatteredglass.... everythingbecamenothingsoquicksofast yellingandshootingandscreaming then... the barn went up in flames. Hellish glow. horribleglow coatedeverythingdrownedeverythinginitslight heard the cows screaming inside. Burning. burningalive... burningaliveasmybrothersdiedtornapartrippedapart and mydaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddadYOUKILLEDMYDADYOUSONOFABITCH sawhimdieSAWYOUinthebarn saw you stab him stabhimagainandagainandagainandagain andthebloodwaseverywherewasonyouand youweregrinningsawyoulickyourknifeand i shot pointedandshotatyou... You're reading this, aren't you? readingreadingreadingdidyouthinkthatsallididtoo? i got ready. didntchange anything youstillcame stillkilledthemKILLEDALLOFTHEMKILLEDMYDAD  thenisaw Him too saw Him comeforyou saveyou saveyoufromtheburningsavedHissonfromtheburning camefromthesmokeandtookyoutookyouTOOKYOU.... my dad mydad wasjusttryingto save me too justtryingtosave the farm nothinglefttosavenow nothing left its all myfault allmyfault Hecamebecauseofme youcamebecauseofme couldnt protect anyone imalone likeisaidiwantedbutididntwantitlikethis

i miss them

misshaileymisstanyamisshakurei NO ITS VALERIE valerievalerievalerie when did i stop calling her valerie???

missmybrothersandmissmymumanddad imleftbehind leftbehind again behindtohurt behindtobend behindto break bendmetilibreak apart

He's outside again.

dontwant tobeleftbehind again


i'01101101 co01101101 01101001 01101110g

01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100001 01101110 01110011 01110111 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101001 01110011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

godgodgodgodhwhathave i DONE?!? theyreheretheyCAMEcamecamecametoclsoe cameinthedakr cameoutofNOWHERE isawandyelledyelledatthemsaidisawthemintheirshadowshouldnthaveyelledGODDAMMIT theycamerushingATMEwhatwasisupposedtodo??? hesadihewascomingsaidlastnightsaiditSAIDIT iwastryingtogetready ididntwanttobeconrnered didntwanttodiedidntwantanyoneelsetodiejustwanttobeLEFTALONE aloneinmyvoidthatsALLIWANTEDALLIWANTALLIWANTWHYCANTIHAVEIT?? IMNOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHING!!!! hecameanywaystardid luciferluciferluciferlucifer... hesentoneatme sentoneindontknowwhonoideawhohewasntmuchbiggerthanme icouldbarelyseeitwastoodark alldarkjustafigureblackfigureinthenightintheunliteshed threwmebackthrewmebackagainstworkbenchthingsfellsoloudechoedechoedECHOED didntwanttodie DIDNTWANTODIEecouldntdiehadpeoplewatignppeopleihadtohelpprotectf hewantedmetodie hadaknifehadaknifeeihithimpunchedhimthrewthingsathimanythingicouldgrabtriedtorunlJUSTWANTEDTORUN buthegrabbedmeandifellandmyneckwasgettingcrushedandicouldntbreathecanneverbreathetNOONEEVERLETSMEBREATHE thoughtiwasdyingthoughtiddiebutmyhandfoundsomethingonthefloorandihithimwithitandhefelloffandIhitandhitandhitandeverythingwasredoredredredredREDREDRED
ithrewupafter sosicksosickbodymindwwhatsthedifference? feelsosickcantsleepcantnotseetheredcantstopseeingit god whathaveidone imsorryimsorrypleaseno nonononononNONONOrTHAT WASNT MEoCOULDNT HAVE BEEN MEnI WOULDNT HAVE DONE THAT IgCOULDNTDOITIMNOTTHATNOTHATNOTTHATNOTHATNOTTHAT!!!!!!!

Friday, June 10, 2011



I didn't think it would work, but it did! I kept them safe! He came, but I was Waiting. I protected them. I got them away. Hailey's safe and Tanya is too! Both with me now. All at Christian's hotel room. He's not here right now though. Gave him money bring Tims back for supper. We're hungry. First time in a long time that I feel that. Feel I want to eat. Chris complains too much though. Says He'll come again. Says I'm an idiot for being happy over such a small victory. Says I just made Him mad. I'm aware of that, but why shouldn't I be happy? I know He'll be back. Of course He will.... but not today. It's one more day. One more day survived. All of us.


nonononononononono not getting into that. cant think about that. not even Void is good for that. suppressitignoreitcantallowit gottafocus. focus. focus elsewhere. focus on Them. Them. THEM.

I'd been at the house with Them for a while before He came. Before He was There. I was talking to Tanya at the time. Talking about mum. About Him. She was worried. About her kid. Her family. And me. Still cared about me. Practically a miracle. I was talking. Can't remember about what. Doesn't matter. Never matters. But my words started dissolving. Slurring. Falling apart into laughter. Quiet laughter. Deadly laughter. A warning. warningwarningwarning...

Noticed the way she looked at me. Her eyes. The fear. The panic. The trust beneath it all. I had warned her. Told her. Told her about my reaction to Him. When He comes close.comestooclose.Told her not to worry. To ignore it. I'm not Lost. Not Lost. No. Just Laughing~

I stood up. Watching. Watching Him as He came around the corner from the kitchen. Knew it. Knew He was coming. Felt it. Felt Him. Getting better at that.

Tanya screamed when she turned. When she Saw. Jump to her feet - stumbling backwards. First time He was so Close with her. She must have been terrified. Must have been what everyone is. What They feel. I stayed where I was. Snickering. Watching Him Watch Us. I heard Hailey protesting as Tanya grabbed her up. Grabbed her before He influenced her. Before she went to Him. Just me between Him and Them. How I wanted it. How it will be. Always. He won't get anyone else. No one else I care for. NO ONE.

He tilted His head wrongly. Stared at me, then He stared passed me to Them. He wasn't targeting me. Didn't WANT to target me. He wasn't done playing. breakmenowbreakmesoonnomorewaitingdonewaiting. 

Jokes on Him. I didn't lose this time.

I told Tanya to run. Run now. Run with Hailey to Shelter. To safety. Hoped it was safe. Safer than here was, at any rate. Heard her voice waver before she did as I said. She told me to be careful. To not be an idiot and die on her. She ran then. Heard her footsteps. He moved to follow, but I blocked Him. He wasn't going to stop... so I stabbed at Him. I lunged at Him and stabbed with Bogie's knife. Bogie's essence. Bogie's AGGRESSION. Stabbed, but missed. He moved. He MOVED. Attention snapped on me. Felt Him change. Against me. Against His Toy. Toy was being defiant. He seemed to forget about Tanya. Turned on me instead. I couldn't even blink before a solid THWACK hit across my front. I hit the floor hard. HARD. Right on my back. Across the room. Swatted away like a fly. Like a Nothing. Breath was gone. Was coughing like mad to get it back. Choking on my snickering. Head started screaming. Piercing. Blinding sound. I scrambled to get up. Grabbed the knife. I could feel Him leaving. He was going to go after Them. Leave me. Take Them. Just like mum. breakmebreakmebreakme. 

I got my eyes back on Him. Black dots were invading everywhere. World swayed from the pain in my head, but I used the couch and went after Him. Forced myself after Him. He couldn't leave while I watched Him. I think. That's how it works, right? He had to stay. Forced to STAY. Stay with me. Leaving them. Me. Not Them! NOT THEM!!!

He turned as I followed. Not letting Him out of my sight. NEVER out of my sight. Always Watched. returnthefavor. Next I knew I was against a wall. He towered over in front of me. He stared down at me as I kept laughing. I hurt so bad, but I couldn't stop laughing. Not my choice. I hurt so bad, but I kept staring back. My choice. I felt sick though. Felt WRONG. His Voice came then. Questioning. Picking. Pulling. Cutting. Asking. Asking why I was pretending. Why I was pretending to care about them. Pretending to feel. Asking why I'd protect someone who once made my life Hell. Don't know how He knew that. Shouldn't have Known that. Tanya.... used to bully me. In school. Way back. Never told anyone. We had moved on from that. HE SHOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN THAT. He's in my head. iknowiknowiknowIKNOW!!!!!! Gotta get Him out. Learns too much. His words HURT. They all do. Each one like a needle....

His fingers curled around the pendant around my neck. Tugged it tight. Couldn't breathe. Or maybe I just forgot to.

He asked if I hated Waiting. Like Hakurei does.

I sliced at Him. Lashed out. Missed. Missed again, but He recoiled. Surprised, I think. I bolted. Couldn't take Staying anymore. Couldn't take the whispers. His voice - or is it my voice? My voice echoed back? I can never remember what He sounds like. Ever. Didn't think about that then though. I needed to get away. He was in my head too deep. In my thoughts. inmeinmeinmeinmeINMEHADTOGETAWAY. I bolted. Ran. When I looked behind me, He was still There. Still Watching. It froze me at the door for a minute. He wasn't mad. Didn't feel it. Couldn't feel it from Him. He was... amused. Amused again. Amused I'd try. Still try.
I left.

Gone since then. Not seen once. Not anywhere. Me or Tanya. That was early morning. Threeish. Still sore. Still hurt. Still shaky. But everyone else is okay. So I'm okay. I can be a distraction. I can be that. Owe so much to M. Don't know him as anything from that, but he said to watch Him. One of Three Rules. That's what I did. Never took my eyes off. Kept Him there. Kept Him with me while they got away. Didn't let Him follow. Didn't let Him vanish. 

We're together now.

Hailey still draws a lot. Even more than me. Usually the same picture though. Just Him. Him as an empty circle with stick arms and legs. Sometimes she'll scribble around Him with black or red. She says He's mad at us. Mad at me. Not surprised. Only surprised she knows. Only that. Must be something to do with being a kid. Kid under His influence. Under His stare.

She asked me why I made Him mad. Told her cause He wanted to take her away. Told her I'd miss her if she went. Told her her mommy would miss her. Her daddy would miss her. Kent would miss her. Hailey said I could come - we could both go. I said I wouldn't. I can't. I need to stay here. She needs to stay here. Can't go. Neither of us.

Tanya just stepped out to call Kent. Let him know we're here. Hailey's curled up sleeping beside me. Head on my side. Don't like kids, but Hailey is okay.

I can protect them. I have something to build on now... 


Thursday, June 9, 2011

im sorry

Mum... you know I loved you, right? I never said it much. None of us ever did. We weren't that kind of family. I loved you though. That word still feels wrong to use. Feels untrue, but if this feeling isn't that, then it's the closest I have. Closest I've ever had. Emotions... don't come easily. Never have. Not since the nightmares. Not since the dying. I numbed myself... and now I don't even know half of what I think I feel. It's easier to get angry. I understand it. I know what it's for. So I use it. More and more. When I feel conflicted. Cornered. Attacked. Vulnerable. I pour gas on the open fire. Let the flames grow hotter. Burn the world. Burn anything that gets too close.

I... don't even realize I'm doing it, half of the time. Instinct. It's just.... hurt or be hurt. Way of the world. Way to Live. Way to survive. Take the advantage. Don't let anyone see you flinch. Don't show weakness. Never weakness....

I want to scream. I want to yell. To be loud. But I can't. Not even to the Void. Focus comes and goes too easily. Can't risk it. Have to concentrate. Concentrate on Hailey. On Tanya. Can't let them get Taken too....

I'm so sorry, mum. Sorry you got involved. Sorry He found you. I didn't mean to bring Him to you. Never meant to. I haven't found you yet, but I will. I'll find you. Find you in the Void. That's where He is, isn't it? Where you are too? In There. Not Here. But same concept. Must be. Has to be.

You knew, didn't you? You knew about Him. Not completely, but enough. You found my sketchbook. I knew I shouldn't have let myself draw. I knew it. But it calmed me. Like the Void calms me. You saw what I had drawn. Did you find the Void too? I hope not. I wouldn't want you to see. Wouldn't want you to know. I'm different. Not what you think. Two sides. Public and Private. Public and Real. You knew Public. Of course you knew Public. Didn't want to disappoint you. Didn't want to hurt you. I tried. I tried to keep it separate. Keep it secret. I tried to be what I'm supposed to be. To you. To them. As a daughter. As a member of the family. Member of our town. I tried to fill the role. Never fit into it perfectly. I know it. I tried my best to. I really did. Please believe me...

But none of this matters anymore, does it? Becaause you're gone now. Gone. He took you and I don't know where. He just left me. Left me to consider what I have to lose. Left to consider His plans. Left to watch Him take it all apart. Piece by piece. All my life. Everyone I care about. Everyone I want to protect. Have to protect. I couldn't protect mum, but there won't be a repeat of that. Not again. Never again. Can't prove Him right. Won't prove Him right. There has to be other options. Other choices. Other than His. His IS an option, isn't it? If it makes Him stop? NO. No, not an option. Can't be an option. Just... no. Can't. Won't. WON'T. WON'T. WON'T.

Have to do something. Have to change the facts. He's changed. He's coming faster. Getting impatient. Getting mad. I think I'm taking too long. Too long to say yes. Wonder if He'll kill me too? If I don't say it.... He may not. Death isn't what breaks you. Never has been.

He's coming again soon. I can feel it.

I'll be Waiting this time.

NO! No it can't... it can't be real. THIS CAN'T BE REAL. no it's wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG.
YOURE WRONG!!!! you shouldn't even EXIST!!! YOURE ALL WRONG!!! WRNOG DAMMIT!!!!!!

why her??? cause she helped me????? CAUSE SHE INTERRUPTED!??!?!?! WHY DO YOU CARE?!??!?!? WHY DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT DAMN MUCH?!?!?!

please no.... I thought Hailey and Tanya were next. i was with them. you were after them longer, why did you go STRAIGHT TO HER?!?? WHERE DID YOU TAKE HER!??!?! what did you DO to her!??!?!


Monday, June 6, 2011

Won't let go

Tanya says I'm distancing myself again.

Kent says I look half-dead.

Christian says I need to clue in and Run soon.

My parents say I'm acting irresponsible.

The last one hurts the most. Never wanted to disappoint them. I forgot. Through all this, I forgot about them. They've been giving me space. Since Bogie. They knew what he meant to me. How hard it hit. They'd been giving me time... but they said I need to get back on track. They said I need to remember what I'm supposed to be doing.... but I don't know what that is. What am I supposed to be doing? They tell me I have others to train. The other two horses. Two babies. That it's stupid to sell them now like I want to. No money in unbroke horses. Flare is four this year. I was backing her in the spring. She's pitch black. One white foot. Show name was going to be Midnight Mirage. She's ready to be put on a schedule. Promo is only one. Full name is Promise Me. He's special - knew it the day he was born. So gentle. Beautiful. Going to grow to be a big boy. I don't want to sell them. Not like I sold Dream and Cora. They didn't make it anyway. Thought by selling them I could save them. Save them from Him. Save them from becoming like Bogie. He didn't let me. Twenty-four hours. That's how long they lasted. I sold them to a breeding barn two weeks ago. Both were pregnant. Cora was due two months from now. Late baby. Dream miscarried through the winter, so was rebred and due in the spring.

Cora was found caught in a fence. Tendons slashed clean through. Bled out.

Dream got her halter caught in a tree branch. Don't know if her neck broke or if she strangled to death.

Can't even save them when I don't own them anymore. He won't let them go. They're only fault was being owned by me. I'm toxic to everything. Thought I was a Nothing, but I'm worse. I care for my horses so much.... and I'm killing them. It's my fault. Just like with Tanya and Hailey. Just like Hakurei leaving. My fault. Always my fault...

Couldn't talk about this then. Didn't want to. Not after talking about Bogie. Didn't want anyone to know. Hurt too much last time. Didn't want to be taunted again. Hurt again. Didn't want Hakurei to worry.... but that doesn't matter now. The Void can know. The Void does nothing but listen. Let's me talk. Let's me do what I want...

The farm isn't doing well. Cows aren't milking like they should. A few have gotten sick. Don't know what causes it. Fatal though. Cats have been getting killed off. Psycho was the first. Laid over my blankets in bloody tatters while I was sleeping. Hate sleeping. Hate waking. Always waking to a new nightmare. That was before the mares. Not long after Bogie. The barn cats are just found here and there around the property. Parents think a fisher is in the area. Ha. That's funny. I wish. A fisher can be killed. That would be a nice option to have. I'd kill for ANY option at this point. Anything besides watching everything I care about die....
I tell myself I won't fail them. That I'll protect them. I want to. But how? So many others have tried. Smarter people. Stronger people. I read about them. They never won. Why do I think I can? I guess it doesn't matter. As long as I breathe, I'll protect them. I have to. If I can get them one more month. One more week. One more day. I'll fight and die for that. To give that to them. I would. I will. But only for them. Only them.
I should Run, but I know it won't help. He'll just kill them all when I'm gone. He won't let any of them go. My horses. My friends. My family too. Family doesn't mean much to me, but I do love a few of them. Feels so strange to say that word. But I think it's appropriate. Not sure if it's the same as what everyone else feels, but it's all I know. For my parents. Always good to me. Supportive. He doesn't like my mum. I could feel it. Feel Him. Feel the change when she found me when I was burning. She interrupted. She brought reality in. Grabbed me and reminded me that it couldn't be real. That there's a floor. Ground. I should thank Sage for that advice. Too bad he's gone. My fault again. It works though. It's stupid, but it works. The ground was there. I wasn't burning the grass. I couldn't BE burning if nothing else I touched was. Mum wasn't burning either and she had grabbed me. Mum made me remember, but He had His hold. He kept trying. Trying to make me believe. Believe His Reality. His World. I think that's what caused to seizure. He wouldn't let go. I was pulling back to Real, but He wouldn't let go....

Tanya says she sees Him around her house now. Walking past windows. Peering in. Watching. Won't be long now. Have to stay sharp. Kent threw me against a wall when he found out - when Tanya convinced him it was real. He's a lot bigger than I am. Tossed me like a ragdoll. Like a toy. I am just a toy, aren't I? Probably. Tanya didn't tell Kent it was because of me though. She omitted it. I told him. I told him it was my fault. I'm the one who put his partner and step-kid in the line of fire. My fault. He flipped when he saw how serious I was. No joke. Not a joke. Grabbed me and threw me against the wall. Pinned me there. Think he wanted to slug me then, but Tanya stopped him. Kent let me go. Cursing. Almost wish he had hit me. Maybe would have knocked some sense in...


Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

That went badly. Very very badly. I shouldn't have done that. No, no, it's what HE had wanted. He tricked me. Yesterday was... no, Friday... yes. Friday. Should be Saturday today. Ha. Haha. I've been asleep. Coma, maybe. Doctors say it was that. Or maybe on edge of? Don't remember. Spent it at the hospital. Just woke up this morning. Woke up from that maze in my head. The doctors told me I haven't been taking care of myself. That I've been neglecting myself. I doubt that. I eat. I sleep. They don't see Him. Know of Him. It's His fault. Can't say that though. Can't risk the rubber room, eh? HAHA! Bad joke. Way way way bad joke. Not funny. Never funny. Bad day....

Now I'm back. Back in my Void. Welcomed again. I still like it here. It's relaxing to be alone. My last place to be alone. It still hurts though. Everything. Deep. Too deep. He... He made me think.... see... things. Couldn't be real. No, no way it was real. Hallucinated, eh? First time for that. He made me... think I was burning too. I burnt Zeddy. Burnt him in a metal barrel around back. I wasn't going to let Him toy with Hailey anymore. No no no more... that's what I thought anyway. Thought I could get a step ahead. Now THAT'S a joke.

He came when Zeddy burned. I knew. I was laughing. Always laughing. I hate laughing. Don't want to, but He makes me. Can't hold it back. Can't stop. Can't keep control. Never keeping control. He has the control. Always. I fight it. Always fight. Makes my head pound worse, but I don't care. I have to fight. Always fight the Control. Talking in my Void let's me think I still have it. I control this, right? Control when I shout into the Nothing...

I don't feel like shouting today.

So hard to think straight. So hard to.... focus. Christian has noticed. Asked if I was okay.


Another joke.

I'm full of them today. I'm not laughing though. So sick of laughing....

That was one of my things. Hakurei used to hate it. Things hurt. Things got too close. So I joked. So I laughed. So I waved it off. Never let it get close. Never. Hurts more when it's close. So sick of hurting. He says He can make it go away. He told me that. I hear Him now. So loud. Too loud. Whispers. Hushed screams echoing in my head. They don't shut up. He won't leave me alone. Alone in my Void. That's all I want. Nothing hurts here. Just me and my words. No one to judge. No one to control what I say. What I do. They all want control, I know. Everyone does. I just want a bit. That's not... too much to want, is it? To control me? He wants that more than I do, I think. He makes me find Him. Even in my dream. Nightmare. Whatever it is. Corpses everywhere. Some grab at me as I run. Won't let go. Dead eyes. Always watching. I want my empty nights back again. All I ever wanted was my Void. I have it on here. I wish I could make it spread.... maybe I should welcome Him to my Void. Maybe Here I'd have Control. Control Him. That would be fun...

Haha. Wonder how His Children would like that? Daddy's Gone Crazy....


I just did it again, didn't I?

Music helps a little, I think. Mostly covers His voice. His plans. I don't CARE about His plans. I had my own. Seems like so long ago now... only been a month. A little over one, maybe. I was an athlete. I was going to turn Professional this year. The starting end of it, anyway. Me and Bogie. We were ready. Pushing. Striving. We were going for it. Hoping....

I'd hoped getting rid of Zeddy would amount to something too. It did. For Him. I heard Him.

"The First lays to ash. Such a clever girl." 

I was coughing up smoke as He said that. Crippled down. Hands and knees. Just trying to breathe. He never.... lets me breathe. I NEED TO BREATHE.

My body felt so hot. Skin was smoking. Turning black. Peeling back. I saw angry red beneath. Eyes stinging. Watering. Throat raw. Everything was too hot. Burning. Burning alive. It hurt. It hurt so much... I cried out. Screamed for it to stop. Screamed for Him to stop. Flames licked at me. An invite from Hell. Always complained it was too cold where I lived... and He just tilted His head at me. Watching me. Waiting for me to say yes. That I'd come. That's what He wanted. Why He was here. Pushing me. Taunting me. Hurting me. Burning me. I'm Nothing. He wants me to know it. Wants me to see.... that with Him I can be Something. I'm supposed to be Something, I think... but not alone. Alone I'm just burning alive.... like Zeddy. Like a toy.

I didn't say it. I won't say it. Can't say it. I promised. Promised. Long ago, but it still counts. Promised Hakurei. Won't break it. Can't break it....

I tried to lunge at Him. I did. I remember that. I was holding my knife - Bogie's knife. My muscles were burning. Couldn't support me. Couldn't move me off my knees. I heard my mum then. She had heard me. She grabbed me. Tried to get me to be still. She couldn't see Him. I fought to get away. I didn't want her to burn too. I wanted to hurt Him... but I couldn't. It hurt too much. Don't remember anything after that. Woke up in the hospital. Nosebleed again. Head throbbing. I vomited. Thought it was Saturday... should be Saturday....

My mum brought me in. Said I was having a panic attack when she found me. Had a seizure after that. Never had one of those before. That's new. The hospital kept me all day. Couldn't find anything wrong. Said I wasn't looking after myself. They sent me home after I had eaten three meals today. Hospitals need more rooms. Too many patients. I was a minor case. I didn't argue it - I was glad to leave. Didn't like staying amongst so many strangers. Bad things happen in hospitals. Very bad. Don't mean dying either. Least I was high.....

Feeling a bit more focused now. I think. I like my Void. It helps. Keeping me straight. Hehe. I am a Nothing. And so it's with Nothing that I can find Me. I need to write in here more often....

He hasn't beat me yet.

I hope They are all okay. Hakurei updated. She seems happy. I'm pleased for her. Maybe she can be the One to Escape.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Let's play~

Zeddy came back, the very next day~
Thought it was a goner, but it just wouldn't stay awaaaaaaaaay~

Always liked that song. Good song. Haunting. Gave me nightmares as a kid. Strange, really. I love cats and that's what the song started as right? Right. Cat surviving everything. Never stopping. Never giving in. Don't think they ever tried burning the Cat though....

Zeddy's getting burned~ The Black King brought him back. Gave him to Hailey at night. Mocking. Always mocking... but not again. Never again. I'll take Zeddy and burn him to ashes, dried blood and all~ Let him join Oblivion~ The Nothing. The void. Not this void though. That would be silly...

Nothing worked. But won't stop. Zeddy isn't the Cat. I will be. I won't stop. I'll burn Zeddy... and then the Black King will need a new game. Maybe one of mine? I can think of a few....

Knock, knock - anybody home? Let's play~

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Followers: 0

Hehe. I guess I'm now the outcast from a community of outcasts....

That's... interesting. Typical, really~ I'm back to my Audience of Nothingness - right where I began. Like coming home. My own little void to write in~ Heh. Really, if it weren't for one detail..... I'd actually be happy about that. Having people read what I write in this thing just... it felt wrong. So wrong. I didn't like it. Didn't like it at all. I hated it. I started using it less and less as the number of people reading it grew and grew...

See, it wasn't designed for that. Why would it? Not for others. From day one, I made it for me, no one else. My place. I started it in the void... and now I'm right back to it. Like a boomerang. Unavoidable really. It's where I'm most comfortable. I like the Nothing. I like the Hole. The stretches of oblivion where I don't have to worry about how my words can be twisted against me. My place. My void...

Like I said all the way back in post one: this is my place to rant. To yell; To let off some steam; To be loud... because I can't be loud in real life. Always have to take it. Always have to deal. But not on here.... not on here... the void takes it all, doesn't it? It doesn't care. Scream as loud as you want - it just gets swallowed up into the Nothing. I guess when this became a Something - when They came - I should have toned it down. Made it their level. I never wanted their level though. That's not what I needed. What I need. I wouldn't be here otherwise....

Never expected Hakurei to leave. That's the One. The One detail that derails it all. Wouldn't be so bad if it was just on here but... same everywhere. She doesn't respond. Won't respond. Can't blame her, I guess. She swore she'd never leave. If I trusted, she'd never leave.... but I won't hold her to that. Not if she doesn't want to.

Heh... how bad does someone have to be to make someone like Hakurei walk away?

I'm better like this, I guess. Just me writing in a void. A little corner of Nothing. Yes, this feels better. Safer. The void doesn't complain after all. Doesn't judge.

I'm welcome again.