Thursday, September 29, 2011

Yeah, it's still me.

Look... I know you guys don't like Michelle. I know that... and you seem to trust ME even less. At least, by reading around, I've started to figure out why. More than just Michelle's view...

So, here it is: I don't know who it was that attacked Valerie in her hotel room. I don't know who used my name as theirs, okay? I don't know. I know about... you-know-who and I know about the agents. I know what they did to Michelle... and I really tried to help her at the time. I really tried. And I failed. But I'm trying again. I'm not giving up here. Please. I can't handle this on my own. I need you as much as she does right now.

The stupid thing is... if this was a possession, I'd know what to do. I've dealt with those kinds of things before but this...? This I don't have a clue. I'm working blind... and Michelle deserves better than that. I know a lot of you don't think so, but she does. We never really hit it off friend-wise with each other, and now I'm blaming myself for a lot of this shit. If I had paid attention - if I had KNOWN her a bit better - maybe I would have seen... something... something to stop this before...

God, before what? Before she set the walls up to begin with that, try as I may, I can't get past? Before she was bombarded as a kid by spirits looking for a laugh? Before she got involved with... with... you-know-who? Before she broke? Before the barn...?

...I can still hear the sounds of the cows... screaming in my head as they... burned up...

I've been doing my part to help with keeping the Veil intact for years... and THAT is what gives me nightmares? Cattle? Kinda funny, eh? Wish I felt like laughing.

You know... maybe the lot of you would think differently if Michelle had posted a "draft" she started on here months ago. The title is "leftrightstraightahead." It reads like one continuous journal entry... and some of the topics are just... well, if nothing else, it's honesty. I'll give you some quotes. I don't have right to do it but... it's only a small betrayal, right? I'm just trying to make you guys SEE. The first one is the very first paragraph.

"I don't remember. Why don't... why don't I remember coming back into the house? I went outside to see Him and then I just... what CAN I remember? I remember... my hands. Shaking. Shaking so bad. My head was pounding, but after I opened the door did I... what the hell did He do to me? Why did he take my necklace? WHY?! Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck this... this is WRONG GODDAMMIT. WHY AREN'T I AFRAID OF HIM?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?" 

"can't listen to my ipod anymore. everything on it reminds me of Him... I... I cantt deal with it. He won't leave me alone. never alone. never alone. never. even when... when He's not... here. NotThere. doesn't matter. He's... inside. I feel it. All the time. He never leaves. never... never leaves... goddammit i want it GONE i can't deal with this. i... i have to protect Tanya and Hailey i can't FEEL LIKE THIS FEEL LIKE HIM FEEL IT GODDAMMIT JSUT GO PLESELETMEGOIDONTNEEDYOUDONTWANTYOUJUSTGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!!!"

"I sleep more now than I have in months. Valerie is happy about it. She's... relieved. I see it in her eyes. She thinks I'm doing so much better. I smile when she mentions it. Laugh a bit. Make a joke. My old thing, of course. It hurts my chest to not tell her why but... she has enough to worry about, doesn't she? There's enough weight on her shoulders... how can I add more? How could I possibly...? I'm... I'm supposed to help her. Protect her. Even from... me. How could I possibly tell her... that I sleep better now because I don't... Run from Him anymore in my nightmares... I merely... I merely walk to His side in my dreams.

Then... I wake up... and I can't look my best friend in the eye for fear of breaking into tears cause I see as plain as day how much she trusts me..."

"Vals' alsep and I'm tryuing my best not to screma god it hurts. it hurts so damn much but i can't fucking DAMMIT god please i can't let her know. it's getting worse but i cant let her know can't let her see can't blog can't worry her can't let her trust break SHE TRUSTS ME GODDAMMIT why can't I live up to that??? it shouldn't be this hard it shouldn't be the Eyes the Eyes god they make it hurt worse WHO THE HELL ARE YOU??? You're not HIM not HIM not HIM SO WHO ARE YOU please god... i... i never believed in a god. i just... can't, my brain won't let me. I've trie dto think. Tried to believe. God... I could use the crutch right now. Please, God, help me hide it. Help me hide this. Alll of this..."

"I don't know what hurts more. Thinking of all the reasons I have to HATE HIM... or... knowing that... I really don't..."


1 comment:

  1. Wild Bill Hickok died with a final poker hand filled with black aces and eights. There's speculation that the kicker, the card that didn't factor into that two pair, was a 5 of diamonds.

    There's always a kicker. One thing that's completely out of place. Try to find it before your Wild Bill moment arrives, and you get two slugs in your back.