Messenger's Report

I’m here to announce the death of Michelle “Mitch” Lapierre, who died March 25.

The morning of her death, she met with Spencer Fitzgerald, as the two had previously arranged.  Spencer brought some herbs that were allegedly for healing her arm but were maybe just some homeopathic bullshit or a complete lie.  Who knows?  During this time, Mitch’s friend Valerie “Hakurei Ryuu” Simmons was left at Andrew “The Amadaun” Svetski’s house at this point.

At some point in their meeting, Spencer and Mitch were confronted by a squad of three men under “Moriarty,” a man determined to eliminate all proxies—which, while the two were fighting against any influence, they technically were.  Apparently, Mitch attempted to contact Hakurei Ryuu and The Amadaun at this point, asking for help.  The Amadaun, not realizing that this was not, in fact, a roleplaying exercise, “saved” Spencer and Mitch.*

After unsuccessfully attempting to shake them men off, they split up. Continuing to find themselves assaulted by Moriarty’s kill squads. Both Mitch and Spencer held their own (and judging by the trail of corpses, Spencer held his own quite well), though Mitch apparently sustained some heavy injuries.

According to some eyewitnesses (currently regrettably deceased), when the two reconvened, The Boss himself showed up.  The Slender Man.  It was at this point that Spencer fled, leaving Mitch behind.

Mitch appeared to approach The Slender Man of her own free will, and the aforementioned eyewitness accounts provided additional earwitness accounts.  “The countdown finally reached midnight, then?” she allegedly asked The Boss.  As he swelled into that swirling mass he sometimes becomes, she continued approaching.  Again, she allegedly spoke her final words as the mass of tendrils surrounded her: “We’ve been waiting for this a long time, haven’t we, Father?”

The squad following her fled at this point as she started screaming.  Later examinations of the area report that her body was found torn apart and impaled on a tree branch.  Though barely recognizable, we did manage to get an ID on it and confirm it.

Blog’s over folks.  Nothing to see here.  Move along.

-Don’t Shoot The Messenger-

*i.e., left them to die

Waiting for Tomorrow

Heh. It's funny how things go.

After over a year of trying to hide, trying to be someone else, trying to feel things I can't and be someone I can't... I finally get kicked into writing a post where I think I'm setting myself up to get flamed into oblivion...

Only for everything... to turn out okay.

And, honestly... I've been DOING okay ever since, all things considered. I mean... my arm still stings like a bitch and choosing this side instead of His will always be painful - even with my vow to the Sages - but... I never realized how exhausting putting on a front was until I let it drop...

Hehe... "the truth shall set you free", eh?

I guess what it really comes down to... is the realization that this Game works differently for everyone. That the "rules" on one Target don't necessarily apply to the next. Father's nature and influence IS practically chaos in itself, after all. So it makes sense to not be consistent. Least in my mind.

I'm sure you already read what is going on since Spencer dropped us a line yesterday. It honestly surprises me that he'd offer to help like this since his last message on Return to Slender kind of... went in a different tone, but... like he himself said: he probably needs this just as much as we do right now. I, for one, know what it's like to need something to focus on...

Hell, my focus tends to flip everywhere but the cooking channel during the hard days. I draw a lot still and I think I've read Steven's journal about twenty times over...

I know some parts by memory now.

.......See what happens when I'm in a decent mood and am left in awkward silences between Drew and Val? Random ramblings alert. No one shall be spared~ And really, the guy isn't that bad. I've met worse. He's a pretentious asshole... but at least he's given us a free roof over our heads. Logically, I'm rather grateful for that... even if he does make a comment or two that make me want to punch his nose in.

But anyway. What I really came on here for... was because I decided I might as well start posting Steven's journal entries. Always said I would, but never got around to it before. Typical for me, really.

This one... this one is one of my favorites, oddly. It... reminds me just what kind of bond we must have had as kids.

I almost feels like I've betrayed him for not... really remembering much about him.


"it's... wow. 4am. no sleep yet. haven't seen HIM yet either though today so... i guess i can catch some now. once i'm certain mimi is going to stay asleep. i never really get how she finds me first without waking mum and dad up first but she always does. she crept down the stairs so quietly i wouldn't have noticed her at all if the step hadn't creaked. the second i looked at her though, she just ran for me with her arms already out. crying. routine by now. i picked her up and held her.

robert was over, of course. we were sorting through the photos we had so far when mimi came down. and... fuck, robert's ASKED about her before, but she always comes up clean. she's not in danger yet, but she keeps having these nightmares. robert said today that maybe we should "put that advantage to use" or some shit. i was so certain i misheard, but then he said outright that she would make an perfect lure, one with "no variables involved." MY SISTER as nothing more than BAIT for that thing! i couldn't believe what i was hearing - i still can't. this was from the guy who helped me, showed me how to fight back. i can't believe it, but... michelle comes first. i did what i had to do.

i threw robert out of my home. and then i took mimi to back bed. i don't care if robert doesn't like it or leaves or whatever - he's NOT using michelle like that. over my dead body.

you know it's funny. sometimes i ask mimi what's bothering her. what she's so scared of. sometimes she tells me about her nightmares, but she's always so tough about it. probably what robert liked about her, now that i think of it. watching over her now... i realize she's never been afraid of sleep itself before.

it... terrifies me, a little. it's not that she's afraid of dreaming about dying, not anymore. she's realized by now that that can't hurt her. it's that she's realized she really will die someday.

it's really all i can do not to cry with her. how can i possibly tell her that i feel the same way?"





Steven,

Thank you so much... for trying to help me. For being there for me when I needed you most and trying to protect me. Please know you didn't fail me. You tried. You tried so hard... and that's all I could have ever asked of you. That's all anyone can ever ask.

Please don't hate me for the things I've done.

I only ever tried my best.

I tried.

Thank you.

Conversation

Bandages are unwrapped from around a mess of an arm - the image reflecting in the bathroom mirror. The infection is still red hot to the touch. Wounds still unhealed from many a venture to remove the thin, white roots from the flesh... but, what is newest, is the hard, risen roots that have breeched the surface of the skin before dipping back down into it. 

These are spread all up and down my arm now... across my back...

"Oh MIIIIIIISHY! Have you missed me?"

I jumped as he appeared out of thin air. As he usually does now. I only sighed - running a hand through my knotted hair. "Heh. What the hell was it that I said to you before...? 'Like one would miss the Black Plague'? That still seems pretty accurate to me."

He glanced down to my exposed arm. "How is your new best friend doing in there? Growing up nicely?"

I rolled my eyes before moving back to the bedroom to get more bandages. "Oh yeah. It's coming along SO well, I'm thinking of naming it soon. I'm thinking 'Luke' would work - for some reason it just seems so FITTING for a parasite that drains everything it touches." I smirked back at him. "I even have you to thank for it, don't I? Least in part. I got this burn cause of you, after all."

"HAHAHAH Oh...  You flatter me dear. But no. It is your own fault for getting that burn, not mine."

"You're the one that set the fucking barn on fire, asshole."

"If you had been a nicer sister and a better daughter, I wouldn't have had to." A grin. "Speaking of your pointless rebellion... how is Haku-chan doing? Taking the fact that you are now a murderer well?"

"I've been a murderer since Becky, Twinkle. I never really tried to deny that all that much, did I? Val just... now knows it never bothered me. Still doesn't... though I still would like to know the name of that kid Father fitted with your image..." A sigh. "Valerie's better. Bitter as all Hell, but that's more directed at herself. She'll... be alright."

"Oh? You think so. What happens when you are gone, hmmm?"

"Heh. She'll have to fight for herself. I won't get much say in it at that point, will I? Either she'll get stronger, or she'll need to find a replacement for me. That'll be her call."

"Or she'll die."

"...I hate the fact you're in my head. It's cheating."

 "Well lets be fair. I hardly need to 'cheat' to know what YOU are thinking. God. I thought sociopaths were supposed to be DIFFICULT to read. You are SUCH a disappointment, you know?"

"Easy for you, maybe. Apparently, I'm an excellent liar when I want to be. Escpecially when it comes to lying to myself..."

"AHA. Yes. You are quite good at that. Or you were. I am sure these recent events have given you SO damn much to think and reflect on. HAHAHA. Ah... But the Guard Dog is not meant for thinking is it? No. No. Leave that to your Master. You just wag your little tail and follow along. Maybe get petted here and there. 'That's a good girl, GOOD girl.' Has she ever scratched you behind the ears? Given you a tummy rub. She should. You deserve it after all you have done for her... Not like she appreciates it. Not really."

"Like it even matters, Twinkle. Seriously? What DOES it matter? She still involved herself in this mess of her own damn free will. She came into this TO die. And so, pretty much, me protecting her has been... well, futile, in that regard. Like bailing out a boat that's already underwater." A smirk. "But that's not what it's been about, now, has it? No. It's always been about keeping her safe so I can keep up my own little scheme. Protecting myself from Daddy Dearest. I figured out a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago I needed Alpha, Twinkle. Not like Father would 'appreciate' my assistance any more than Val does."

"Oh I know you know. I just like repeating it. I know you LOVE the sound of my voice. You deprive yourself of so much joy. You know that? You poor dear. I almost pity you. As I am sure so many of our siblings do."

"Heh. And THERE'S the sale's pitch. Though... you're not wrong, of course. It would be easier if I fell in line and was just be another masked murderer, but... what would be the point? I mean, honestly? What is the point? To live longer? To get some strange sense of a 'family' idea going? I had a family. You killed them."

"And your point is...? It isn't like you really cared about them you know."

"They were still MINE, you know. My family. My life. My home. My job. Mine. What the hell do you idiots have by serving Father? You barely can call anyone a FRIEND for fear of getting stabbed in the back later."

"Nightscream was a friend. My Team. There are some. But what WE have, is simple. Longer lifespans. Money. A Clear and Defined Goal. Comraderie, so long as you do not fuck it up. And of course... A guaranteed exit and life after death."

I held up my arm. "You think THIS is going to let me have a longer life? I'm not scared of death, Twinkle. I never have been. And I don't care about money either. Goals... I have goals NOW. Comraderie... ehh, I have Val. I'm not really a social person anyway..."

A grin. "You know, really, when it comes down to it... You are really just being obstinant aren't you? There is NO reason for you not join us save for pure spite. I would call it pathetic, but I am not sure that's negative enough to describe you."

A smirk began. Which pulled into a smile. A grin. "Okay. Basic reason. Ready? To prove I CAN. All my life, it's just been one puppeteer after another telling me what I'm 'supposed to be'. I've always been told what I was going to be. By everyone. All the way back to fucking ROBERT... and those fucking Devil Eyes of his that still haunt me to this day. The same damn stare that terrifies me. That... that studied me as he experimented on me behind my brother's back. Some nights, I can still feel his fingers on my temples... all the while scribbling notes in that damn book of his. I remember shreds. I remember pieces. His voice. He thought I had purpose too. Just like every damn one of you do. Father. Doubletake. You." A laugh. "But you know what? Fuck you all. I CHOSE this. From the very start, this was MY decision. To prove to every damn one of you that your strings don't have PERFECT control. I may be fucked to Hell, but at least it's on my terms. Bet you can't say the same, brother."

"In other words. Exactly what I said, except reworded to sound more... Whats the word... Impressive? You are hardly the first to start dancing on your strings without Father pulling them for you. As you recall, I did that for a little while. I think Reach was the first. Anyone can do it. There is just no point in it."

"The point... is to not give in. You did. Reach did too. They Served Him. I never have... and I never will. That is the point. To break THROUGH. To prove there's a choice. Even if it IS hard as fuck to do. Even when I DO die and burn in Hell with the rest of you... I can at least go knowing I never gave Him what He wanted. I've always been a 'failure', haven't I? So I'll be a failure. One. Last. Time."

 "And you wish to prove this point to WHO exactly? Yourself? Why bother? Really. WHY BOTHER WITH THIS STUPIDITY."

"...Why do any of us bother with it? Why did you bother serving Him, Twinkle? Why did you give Him what He wanted from you? Father tore you to shreds and rebuilt you the second you said 'yes'...and I don't want to lose function like that. I don't want to lose my MIND like that. At least now, I can still think. I can still plan and manipulate, if I want to. It's all me. My thoughts. He took everything else... these are My Thoughts... and He's not getting them."

"HAHAHA. Oh. Oh that is rich. Trust me, my lovely, you can keep your thoughts. Father just needs your body. And he is claiming it... Isn't he?"
 
"No, Twinkle. He isn't going to claim me. Stop grasping for straws. I'll just do what I can... until... until He decides it's Game Over." A grin. "Then you get to die a second time! Doesn't that sound just AWESOME? Not everyone can claim that, you know."

"HAHAHA! Death is only the beginning, my dear. And that arm of yours is only spreading, slooooowly but surely. I know you feel it moving beneath your skin. It is not limited to your arm."
 
"...So you're saying it's a race to see what knocks me off first? The Bleeding Tree or Father? God, these things need to take a number..." A sigh. "In any case, as much as being turning into a human tree sounds like fun... I don't plan on going out that way. Why do you think I spent so long cutting roots out of my arm? Hm? Trying to limit the progress has been the best I could do so far... thought, lately, we did get those comments from that Rafael guy. He suggested a bunch of different herbal remedies. He even mentioned about one concoction that might actually keep Father out of my head a bit more than He is now. Some sort of mixture that... I don't know? Eases off the pain? I guess we'll see what happens. Valerie's pretty psyched about it. She wants me to try it, and I agreed. I mean... why not, right? It might help..."

"Or it could just kill you faster. There is no miracle elixir, and you are an idiot if you think otherwise. You know Father has some connection to the tree. What if this just makes it easier for him to control you? The tree inside you is spreading isn't it? You can cut at it all you want... It is growing despite your best efforts. Maybe it won't kill you. Maybe it will simply assume control of your form. A new set of strings for Father to make you dance on. Oh I can't wait... Soon now, so very soon... Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock... Your time is running short. Soon we shall see the end of this petty teenaged rebellion against Father. One way, or another."

A sigh and a half-hearted glare. "I know there isn't a miracle elixir. Don't be an idiot. It's just... I might as well try right? I mean what do I have to lose?" A bit of a laugh. "And this is only IF we can find everything this guy was talking about. It's going to be a bitch to gather all this together and it's not as if Val and I have a lot in the way of cash anymore either. I... honestly don't know where to start."

"You have nothing to lose. Hence, money should not be an issue. Just do what you do best. Kill some random man in the streets and take his wallet."

"You really just want me out stabbing people, eh? Blood-lusting igit." A quirk of the brow. "Should I go all-out maybe and drop a piano on someone? Or is that too old-school?"

"Perhaps you should find your OWN killing style."

"Right, right. How silly of me. First I'd need a mask that fools NO ONE and a ridiculous name. I more or less already have the look, eh?" A snap of the fingers. "That's it! I'll start beating people with hockey sticks and force them to listen to a mix tape of Celin Dion and Justin Beiber. The worst Canada has to offer~"

"Lets be honest. That is still more threatening than some of the Proxies out here."

"Hehehaha~! Jesus, Twinkle, was that nearly a compliment? I am absolutely SHOCKED."

"I am nothing if not unpredictable."

A smirk. "True. Which makes you as annoying as you are amusing. Nine times out of ten, you just give me a headache."

"Then why don't you tell me to shut up?"

A pause. "...Even if you aren't real... talking to a Proxy is..." I don't finish.

"AND THERE IT IS!"

I growled a bit. "It doesn't change anything, Twinkle."

"I don't even have to try with you, do I? My, my..."

"If you have something to SAY, then just SAY it already."

"I have said a lot already."

"Then go away. I have to pack."

"HA. As you wish..."

"It is. Shoo. Until next time, asshole."

Give and Take

You got your answer, Nightscream. Though you already knew that, didn't you? Oh, yeah, cause you have fucking EVERYONE pegged, right? One day, I swear on our Father, it will come back to you. One day, you'll get outmatched and, even if I'm not around to see it... you can rest assured I'll be laughing my ass off when you get your ass kicked through the gates of Hell to land on your face in front of all the Runners and Proxies you "played" with. Me included. I think they'd be happy to see you, don't you?

So... yeah. Shit hit the fan. I probably reacted stronger than I should have but...

I'm glad I did. It got someone involved that got through to Val in a way I couldn't. A way she won't let me, or maybe just one it's not possible for me to understand...

(and yes, Sage, I saw your comment too and I apologize for disagreeing but...)

Gargoyle's post... and later his comment.

Thank you.

Your words pried at the same unmovable object that I'd been trying to budge this entire time... and you shook her. Not much - but enough to get her going. I just... used the leverage provided to keep the progress in motion. She's heard the supporting "you can do eeeeeeeeet" comments over and over again. She doesn't believe them. She barely reads them. What she NEEDED was a wake-up call... and Gargoyle helped give it. The 'cunt' comment probably would have been better as just 'bitch', but that being said... I saw my best friend wanting to die - I'm not arguing with results here.

Part of me... still wants to curse myself for not being able to get my own best friend to speak to me without that first little shove provided by someone else... but the other side has already swung far past the point of trying to convince myself I should be capable of what is 'normal.'

Valerie and I... sort of hashed things out. Words, yells, and whispers. All choked into one conversation that we should have had a year ago... God, where does the time go...? It's... going too fast. Way too fast.

Can't it... slow down just a little?

I'm not ready for things to end yet.

I'm not ready to let Valerie go yet.

...Heh. Saying it like that... seems so caring, doesn't it? Like the bond between us - between a Sage and a Proxy - is unbreakable. As if we think the glorious power of friendship will last us through any storm. As if it'll make the waves less high. Wind less fierce. Heh.

I wish that could be the case. I honestly do.

But it's not even close.

That was actually one of the things that has been eating away at Valerie from the inside out. My... bizarre behaviour towards her. During our talk, she went on about her self-hatred for what she's done to me. She screamed about how she took my 'dependency' and used it to keep herself safe. About how she's no better than Father is for how she jerks me around.

How she has... ordered me around.

"I can't even say it was to your benefit anymore. I pointed you at Nightscream, and you followed orders like the fucking attack dog everyone thinks you are! You are my BEST FRIEND, Michelle! You don't deserve to have a leash on you! But I'm the one who put it there!"

It was at that point... that I fully understood the mistake I'd made. 

How many times now have I sworn to be honest with her? With all of you?

And yet I still find a reason to hide something.

I suppose it's my nature, eh?

A Proxy's nature.

I honestly figured it wouldn't hurt her to be in the dark about my intentions between us since I sorta wanted to avoid making things... awkward. I just decided it would be easier on both of us if she didn't know. I never figured it would end up eating her up like this with guilt. I didn't think she'd start blaming herself like she has...

It's hard to predict things you don't feel yourself.

She calls herself a manipulator and I guess... that is somewhat true. Though if you guys plan to crucify her for that, I'd suggest setting up more than one cross. You're ALL guilty of it. Not one person does something for someone else out of the simple goodness of their own hearts - especially when the stakes are this damn high. They simply don't. There's always a prize for each player at the end of the day - even if we don't want to admit it.

For Val, she "uses" me for protection.

For me... I use her for another purpose entirely.

I am... a Proxy on the wrong side. I've said this quite a few times before, and yet... no one really questioned how I was pulling that off, now, did they? It actually kind of amused me in some ways. You all read along as I went through one shitfest after another... but it's always been the same tones, hasn't it?

Anger.

Sarcasm.

Nervousness.

Fear.

And sadistically amused. Can't forget that one. 

But what actual EMOTIONS have you seen from me?

Seriously.

What.

Fucking.

Emotions.?

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when, on my very first posts on a blog that was supposed to be for FUN... I said that I have a hard time feeling any emotion. At the time, I blamed the spirits at my house for mindfucking me into oblivion with nightmares. Now though...? I don't blame them as much. I still remember the nightmares, but I can NOW remember Steven holding me when they upset me. I was okay. It was... during my brother's Haunting, I think, that I stopped... feeling as other people do.

No, scratch that. No beating around the bush anymore.

I don't feel emotion. Point blank.

Fucking hell, I didn't even cry when my family was slaughtered and my home burnt down. I. Didn't. Cry. Sure, I broke, but that's not the same thing, now, is it?

I didn't cry for them.

I didn't cry for my friends.

All these lives, even the ones I took myself - the same lives which are represented on my necklace of metal washers - they don't bother me. Taking lives has never bothered me. In fact... it's been easy to live with. I've never lost a night's sleep from having killed someone - not even that boy that Father pulled the strings of. I watched the light go out in his eyes... and yet, my panic wasn't for that.

My panic was because, inside, I'd enjoyed it nevertheless.

Sort of funny, isn't it? The deeds aren't what bothers me - it's the fact that they don't bother me, that bothers me.

I told you my necklace is my reminder, and it is. The weight around my neck from this chain... replaces what SHOULD be weighting on my mind, but isn't. It reminds me what I'll have to answer for what my last call comes. 

That's why I keep it on.

Because I figure I'd forget about them if I didn't.

And, trust me, this isn't me "trying to be badass." It never has been.

In fact, I have my own word for what I am: Pathetic. Inhuman. Heartless. Ruthless.

I am a Proxy.

I have been since I was... about nine years old, I figure. But something just... got in the way. For one reason or another, I forgot my Father's image... and then when He came for me last year, I panicked and ran. I think a part of me already knew even at that point what was "wrong" with me, but I was in denial. Sweet, merciful denial...

Not so merciful when you get snapped awake though, eh?

Honestly, it's not so bad. Sure, I'd LIKE to be normal, but really...? Why do I need to hide? Why do I have to try to hold myself to YOUR own moral standings when I'll never be able to reach them? When they don't even make SENSE to me? Why do I need to try to guide myself with emotions I don't have? With values I don't have?

But above all of this - all of the murdering and backstabbing or torturing - there is one trait that myself and my siblings have in common with one another. Something that is actually a very respectable quality: Loyalty.

No matter how strong or sadistic or insane a Proxy is.... they all have a deep, unshakeable loyalty for Father.

I have this.

It pounds like a drum in my head - just begging me to fall into tune with it.

It hurts not to.

I knew... I had to do something before the tug of war tore my mind in two.

So... I made my vow of loyalty.

But not to Father.

I vowed my loyalty - my service - to the Sages.

Hakurei Ryuu. AmalgamationSage. Kay.

Zero. Maduin. Amelia.

Robert. Shaun. Jay.

All of them. Dead or alive.

The Legacy of the Sages.

You see, I've always been a person who follows logic. Raw, unforgiving logic.

Logically, Proxies have always been loyal followers.

Logically, a vow of loyalty cannot be sworn to two sides at the same time.

Logically, I could use this to protect myself from Father just a bit more and quiet the drums.

One less thing for Him to use against me.

I use Valerie... as my physical representation of this vow. She was and still is the perfect candidate. Val has the morals I do not, while I have the survival instincts that she does not. She needs me as much as I need her. If she were to die, I would no longer have the physical presence to keep my vow planted as solidly as it is now. After all, Sage is obviously fine on his own, and Kay - if she is still alive - would shoot me in the face if we were to meet. I would land up right back in that same old tug of war with Father... and, eventually, I would fail to hold my ground. He would take me. And I would serve Him just as He has always wanted me to.

So, I protect Hakurei Ryuu.

Call it a symbiotic relationship if you want to.

I put myself through whatever I need to in order to ensure her survival.

Because if she dies, I would have no excuse to continue being Father's Rebellious Daughter.

That being said.. I have now given her the option to tell me to leave, but, logically, even she could see that we make the perfect partnership. Use and be used. All for the sake of survival.

Val took it hard at first. She was in tears. Saying 'sorry' over and over again... I guess she pities the position I've set for myself. All I really could do was hold her hands from across the table and let her cry - she obviously needed it out of the system. After she got over that, we continued talking. Sorting out where we both stood in regard to everything that has happened and might happen in the future. We spoke my history, about Morningstar, about Sage and Kay and the Devil Eyes and Valerie's family and the school burning down.

We talked about Valerie's last post.

And then... she said this:

"No... It was always me, there was always something about me... No. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I don't get to walk out halfway through just because I'm tired; I don't deserve that courtesy. This is not what I came here to accomplish. If you want me to be your... If you want me to have that kind of charge over you, then I will. But..." She trailed off, obviously not sure how to word her concerns. 

"...But I am still your friend, Val. I'll still tell you off when you need it and bug you til I get a damn smile." I grinned. "I think we can manage that instead of 'servant', no?"

She groaned at the 'servant' part and leaned forward again. "Ugh. You were right to be hesitant about bringing this up. This IS weird." A pause. "But yeah. I guess this could be something that works, so long as everybody knows what their give and take is..." She looked at me square in the eye. "But you are going to get your damn arm treated in a way that DOESN'T involve a knife. I've had it up to HERE with that."

I laughed, tone playing mocking. "Is that an order, m'lady~?"

I watched her try to stop from smiling. She couldn't~ "...Oh, shut UP."

I win~


Some of you... might agree with this little deal we have going. Some of you... not so much.


This may not be "right"... but as far as I feel, it definitely isn't "wrong" either.

We're not done yet.

Game on.

"Do you have a fucking death wish?!"

...What the fuck do you say... when the only response you get for a question like THAT is silence? What the hell do you...?

WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY?!?


I was giving Valerie space. I thought she was giving ME space... but do you know what she did? What she was doing ALL FUCKING NIGHT when we got away from Nightscream? Not last night (because I fucking wouldn't LET HER OUT OF MY SIGHT) but the one before that?

She sat outside. All. Fucking. Night.

Soaking wet.

In the cold, spring rain.

WHEN NIGHTSCREAM COULD BE/PROBABLY DAMN WELL WAS LOOKING FOR US.



She went and... sat outside. Practically ASKING....

When I finally moved from my little Think Spot when dawn broke, I went to wake Val like I usually do before going to make the morning coffee... and she was nowhere. To be. Fucking. FOUND. I nearly had a goddamn heart attack! We only JUST got back and she was gone AGAIN?! The fucking worst kept running through my head - that Screamer had come back to get Val back for what she did to him/her.

Then... I found her.

Cold as fucking death itself.

Sitting outside.

I hauled her inside - yelling my question. My ONE question that was supposed to have been rhetorical... but she made it so damn real I felt the sting as the silence practically slapped me across the face. No eye contact, no NOTHING.

She wants to die.

I honestly wish she'd just fucking screamed it in my face. At least THEN she might be talking to me NOW. At least THEN I wouldn't be reminded of how she was in her comatose state. When I couldn't get a damn thing out of her. When SAGE could, but I couldn't...

Months ago, when I first showed up after my family farm burnt down, she FORCED me to promise to never give up. To just keep trying. Keep fighting. During all my fucking rage issues and extreme lows... she told me to never deny myself the opportunity to change things for the better. All the days of forcing myself through the sheer fucking AGONY that came along with not listening to Father's Will... of listening to her speeches about not letting Them win...

And she wants to die.

Honestly, I've seen that look on her face before. Many times. I just... never thought that's what it was. I mean... yes, living like this sucks and I know she's been through a lot, but... to want to die? It just doesn't fit with what I know of her... it just... doesn't fit.

And I've asked her.

I've practically BEGGED her at this point to tell me what's going on...

But she won't speak to me. At all. So, I need you guys to speak to her for me. To try to knock some fucking sense into her skull, cause she won't listen to two words that I have to say...

She's my best friend.

I can't lose her.

I just... can't.

Please help me out here.

Never Escape

I went for her.

At the hotel room, I had told her not to go. That she shouldn't be alone. I told her that I'd come. Arguing or not, even if we walked a distance from each other, it was better than--

She told me to Stay.

I did.

I shouldn't have. I should have followed. Then maybe...

No.

it doesn't matter.

we would still have been in the same position. maybe worse.

They were waiting.

They wanted her. me.

Us.

They were wwaiting.

Scream was of coruse, bbut I didn't think.. I didn't...

I didnt expectthis. I jus

NO.

GODAMIT NO.

no.

I... must have gotten there at around 3am. A little indoor swimming place. Even though I tried to sneak up, I... I was soon called out. I heard my name in an all-too-familiar sing-song voice. I saw a grin and a way-too-eager wave as a figure walked along the top of a low, stone wall along the front of the property - a little bit of a skip to each step. Long, black blazer over a disorganized suit. Pale skin. Shoulder length, pale blonde hair under a black fedora.

Morningstar.

He was there.

Waiting for me.

"MISHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! My dear, sweet sister~! It's been too long! GIVE US A HUG! Come now, don't be SHY." He tossed a blade in the air, catching it in the opposite hand. "I've been waiting quite a while now to give YOU the chance to come back from the dead too. Only, knowing your track record, I'd imagine you'd fail at that part-way through as well. But we won't know unless we try, riiiiiiiight~?"

He laughed.

That fucking laugh.

Laugh that won't shut up that WON'T GET OUT OF MYHEAD WONTSTOP WONTFUCKINGSHU

No.

I had both of my knives out when I stepped out. one was mine. theotherhis.

Rule still in effect: No guns.

His grin widened as I stepped up, bristling. He jumped down from the wall and smiled at me as I practically demanded to know how the hell he got out. How the hell he SURVIVED... but he just winked at me while going on about 'trade secrets'. He started to circle around me like a vulture sizing up its next meal while rambling about how it's been absolute torture to stay under the radar - not being able to "reassure all [his] fangirls, like Sagey, of [his] continued existence in ALL [HIS] SUPREME GLORY!" He went on about how he was finally going to be able to return to his place in the spotlight again and get back to work as per the norm - perhaps starting with Valerie's family.

"It's been such a LONG time since I 'Lit up the Night', now, hasn't it, dear? Why, I can barely remember it... well, except the part where I carved your daddy up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Hahaha! Now THAT was FUN. If he hadn't been an old fart, I probably would have cooked him up. Maybe make a good meal with mashed potatoes and gravy... AND STUFFING! Yes! YES! Made from that damned horse you loved so much! What was his name? Uh... Haggataway? Naggataway? HAHAHA. Maggotaway is more appropriate now isn't it? But your daddy was so OLD. And CANADIAN. And Father knows you Canadians taste like shit. AND Maple Syrup. You REALLY need to cut back on that crap. Ruins the meal for those of us who enjoy the delicacy. So very rude of you."

"TWINKLE. Shut. The Fuck. Up already. You've been 'alive' ten minutes and already I have a headache. Where the HELL is Valerie? What the fuck did you do with her?!"

He tilted his head to the side. "Who~? Sorry, name doesn't ring a bell. Maybe you have the wrong address."

I stepped forward, glaring. Tone low. "Where is she, Twinkle. Stop fucking around."

He leaned forward, smiling. Hands clasped behind his own back. "Hm, and why should I do that? I'm only just getting warmed up, Michelle~ Can't you tell... how much I've MISSED you?"

I'd already jumped back before I even saw the flash of steel. Instincts telling me to move, so I moved. He rushed me. I swung with one blade while spinning the other around to come from the opposite direction. He dodged both before grabbing my jacket, cracking his skull against mine. I stumbled back - vision swelling for a moment through the pain - but he just crossed his arms and pouted.

"You know, most people get BETTER with time. Not worse. I'm disappointed in you, sister. Is that really all you can do?"

"SHUT UP! Where. THE FUCK. Is Hakurei Ryuu, you son of a bitch?!"

He laughed again. "Hahaha~! Oh, I wouldn't bother worrying about Haku-Chan, Mishy. Screamer is playing with HER while I get YOU." Another toss of the blade. "Trust me, sister. Don't worry about them. You REALLY can't afford to focus on anything but Me, Me, Me, Me and ME!"

He lunged.

We fought.

Moving fast. Hitting hard. Blades snapping against each other. Punches and shoves and kicks that send us BOTH to the ground, then back to our feet, then back down again. It was chaos. Movement moving into movement. Attack into attack. And all through it... he never stopped grinning. Not once. My head was just... pounding, but I ignored it. Even my arm wasn't stopping me. Pain was... irrelevant at that point. The world was irrelevant. It was just us. Myself and Morningstar. There was nothing else. Nothing.

At least, until I heard a yell. A shout of my name for help.

I knew the voice.

I saw Nightscream and Valerie at a doorway into the building. He/she holding her back. Keeping her from interfering in the fight. She was struggling, but she seemed too tired to break free.

I drew my gun.

Morningstar hit me from the side, slamming me back against a wall as the gun fell from my hand. I grabbed him by the head and twisted my leg around his, throwing off his balance to allow me to crack his skull against that same wall as I slipped around him - focused on Nightscream. I don't know what in my head thought I could...

I had to save Valerie, didn't I?

Yes. Yes, I did. Save Valerie. Had to find a way. Would have found a way...

couldntfindaway

couldn't... i justcou

No.

Before I could get there, Morningstar tackled me. He was bleeding down the side of his face, but not willing to give up. Not willing to let my focus shift. The injury didn't even seem to BOTHER him even though it should have. He was still grinning even as he cracked his fist across my jaw, trying to rattle my senses so he could pin me easier. I took the hit. I felt his hands on my wrists... and I remember yelling something. Kneeing him in the gut - using the gained wince to steal back my good arm. I aimed the punch for the same spot that was bleeding from the wall.

He fell to the side.

I was on him an instant later - straddling him as my knife sunk into his chest, twisting the blade hard... and he still just... grinned up at me. Eyes dancing with devilish delight without a shred of pain in his expression. He stopped fighting back, but yet... there was something else I saw in those eyes at that point.

"I win."

And the face I stared into... began to change.

The... image of Morningstar jus tmelted away... grinning up at me as it did... until I was staring into the eyes of someone I'd never seen before. He had the same build, but his hair was shaggy brown and he stared up at me with green eyes brimming with fear, confusion, and agony. Tears began to run down his face as it twisted in the pain I had given him. The blood in his throat refused him words, but I could see them clear as day in his eyes. 

Where am I?

What happened to me?

Who are you?

Oh, God, I'm going to die.

I watched the light fade. Intense green turning dull.

Lifeless.

Empty.

A moment prior, he had worn a dead man's face.

Then he was one himself.

i... i couldn't think

panic started to grip my mind. i stumbled back to my feet. backing up. backingupwith eyes eyes eyesgluedonthe boy demandingto know knowwhohewas knowwhat what wasgoingon

No.

I already knew.

Nightscream knew I already knew. Laughing at me even as he/she kept Valerie close. One arm around her middle and the gauntlet around her shoulders - blades daring me to take a risk. didnt wanttoriskit. Scream... almost looked like it was keepingherup keeping her fromcollapsing she looked sopale looking readytobe sick...

My sibling smiled as he/she tilted his/her head at me. "He was a face in a crowd, Mitch. A Runner. Someone who Father had placed strings on and fitted with a costume to suit His Will. His role was to die. Nothing more." Scream's voice... sounded sick. He/she had rattle in his/her chest that accompanied every word... but the confidence still made my stomach turn. "You played your part perfectly, sister. You should be ever so proud."

"Stop it! STOP SPEAKING TO HER!"

Val... did something to Nightscream then.

she told me later... she... i don't even know. I didnotknow she could do that.

Scream suddenly staggered in his/her footing. Smile turned to gritted teeth as whatever change took place. Valerie thrashed to get free - blood flowing as the gauntlet slashed across her shoulder in the struggle - before she was suddenly thrown to the ground. Hard. I felt like I only blinked before a handgun was drawn, but... Scream didn't get the chance to aim before he/she started hacking painfully. Coughing up blood that splattered to the ground and ran down his/her chin. Stealing his/her breath with the fit as Scream caught hold of the wall. Using it to keep standing as his/her body turned against him/her. Buckling slightly with the pain, but not dropping.

I grabbed Val and yanked her to her feet.

weran

When I glanced over my shoulder... I saw Nightscream taking aim.

I shoved Valerie to the side.

Two shots fired.

One missed.

The other pierced right through my arm. The bad one. Luck.

we didn't stop

been running ever sicne

We're settled into a hotel for the night.

we haven't spoken much.

not much tosay

itsbeensaidalready

I prefer the dark of the room anyway.

Gives me a chance to think... to be alone with my mind... and the hallucination of someone I now know I can't escape. That I can never escape. Even all these months later... Morningstar will never leave me.

Ever.

I saw it.

I FINALLY FUCKING SAW IT.

That goddamn "shadow" that's been following me all around hell's half acre and BACK again for MONTHS on end. Today. I saw it. Or should I say I saw HIM?

You goddamn asshole. You. Fucking. ASSHOLE. I have to admire your PATIENCE if nothing else. I knew that laugh was familiar. I FUCKING KNEW IT. But I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't POSSIBLE. But then I guess I shouldn't have doubted a guy as creative as you, eh?

I watched you FALL.

I saw you BURN.

But you looked just FINE when I saw you.

All this time I thought I was hallucinating. All this time I thought it was just my mind playing tricks. I thought I was just being paranoid. But it was you all along, wasn't it? I'm not hallucinating it. You're alive. You're still. Fucking. ALIVE.

Valerie can confirm that. She didn't see you as clear as I did, but you were already walking away at that point. Doing your little vanishing act. She's been trying to get me to calm down all damn evening. Trying to suggest that it could have been someone else. That it might not be you at all.

But I know who I saw. Even if you had a goddamn TWIN, he wouldn't be able to copy that grin. That same fucking grin. Same fucking EVERYTHING. You haven't changed a bit, have you? You fucking goddamn...

How did you escape? HOW? Can you AT LEAST tell me that? Did Valtiel step in? Hm?

What I don't get though... is why wait this damn long? Why stay THIS long under the fucking radar? WHY? Is the mutt not allowed a blog anymore since you got part of your own team killed?

Morningstar.

Why couldn't you just stay dead, you son of a bitch?

That's why Father hasn't let up, isn't it?

The Game isn't Complete between Us yet.

Fine.

More than fine.

This time. I really will watch the light go out, Twinkle.

So whatever the fuck you have planned... LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.

Tainted Blood

I'm sick and tired of this.

Of all of it.

Of scratching at the walls for a hint of truth - just a few goddamn ANSWERS - all while dragging my best friend from one country to another and back again... and what do I find? More. Fucking. QUESTIONS. Every time I find a piece to this bloody puzzle, I find that I'm MISSING twenty more than I was before. That there's even MORE I don't know. It builds and builds and builds well how the FUCK am I supposed to just...?

Take it.

Carry it.

Deal with it.

God, I know how lucky I am. Even amongst all the shit compiling. All the voices and nightmares and paranoia and acid in my veins from this fucking ARM. Amongst Him in my head. In my dreams and nightmares. Amongst the Eyes. The Shadow. Amongst it all... I still have Valerie. It's practically a miracle she puts up with me. I try so hard to make her smile, but I know I worry her more than anything. I know I disappoint her more than anything. I know I snap at her now and again. I know she doesn't believe me when I answer a question with a joke and a laugh. That's an old game that we both know too well. She does it too. I see it. I just say nothing. Sometimes it's easier to keep it inside. I get that. Though what's inside always comes out one way or another. Just time. Just time...

Sometimes I can't believe how much distance there seems to be between us when we're standing side by side. Sometimes we argue and it's like I'm speaking German and she's speaking Latin. Sometimes I think we're just fooling ourselves thinking that this balancing act between us actually works...

And then we'll both be killing ourselves laughing over something so insignificant it could only be appreciated by friends who know each other backwards and forwards. Then I grin and wonder what the fuck was I even thinking to doubt it. Of course it works. Of course we'll always have each others' backs. Thinking that just because we're opposite, doesn't mean there isn't common ground. Doesn't mean we don't care. Doesn't mean that, when one starts breaking down, the other doesn't rush over with some glue, duck tape, and a smile...

But, the more I think on it, the more I know she shouldn't stay. She should leave. She would probably have it easier if she did but... I'm glad she never does. If it weren't for her... I can't see why I would have bothered to fight. I probably would have went with Valtiel. Be yet another puppet that creates chaos for a scattering of months before meeting a bloody end...

Many times, I sit and count the metal pieces on my necklace. Trying to remember the names of each one. The faces. I had... to add another one recently. Val doesn't think I should have since I didn't kill him myself, but... I left him behind. I'm not splitting hairs. I refuse. A life is a life. That's that.

See... after the slew of comments left on my last post (the ones at the bottom, not the other garbage) and eventually remembering back to another comment from a while ago... Val and I did a bit of brainstorming and figured out who they had to be coming from. It was a bit of a stretch and the goddamn HOW is a question I'll leave any of you to answer (cause to hell if I know)... but, considering what I'd been talking about with both posts and when they started... we decided there was only really one place for me to 'go back' to.

We went back to the treehouse. Landed up buying our way across the border and back since I didn't fancy getting arrested again. So now we're broke. Yeah, I was NOT fucking happy with that guy... but then again, I can't really blame him. Want to. Really do. But can't. So... bitch.

When we got there... the bush was completely leveled. Clear-cut and getting prepared to be developed. Just like Corey said it was going to be. There was construction shit everywhere... but even from the road, I could see it. Still standing amongst all the workers and machines. That fucking treehouse was still there... and no one was paying a damn mind to it. Like they couldn't even SEE it.

Since we had to wait for the workers to leave, we decided to try something while it was still light out and the creep factor of the area wasn't TOO bad. I remembered Doubletake saying about how he hadn't been able to find the treehouse without... without me being there with him. That it hadn't been there when he looked and that it was my blood that made the difference as to why he could see it now. So, I got out of the car and started walking down the road. Putting some distance between Val and myself. She said for a while, nothing changed. She could see it just fine... and then she just blinked and it was gone. Just like that. No tree. No treehouse. Just land getting developed.

The damn tree only showed itself to her when she called me back. Probably why the damn workers were none the wiser about them not QUITE having finished their clear-cutting job. Something about me is tied to that fucking area. A place that I now know I... was brought to at some point as a kid. I knew the first time that I went there that it was Wrong. I knew. And that feeling didn't change for round two. Even with the bush gone... even in broad daylight... it still made my skin crawl.

When we came back that evening after the workers had left for the day, neither of us really knew what to expect. I was really hoping we were wrong. Because if these messages were really from who we THOUGHT they were from... I wasn't sure what I'd do. I really wasn't. But then, the closer we got to the treehouse... the more I realized how fucking RIGHT we were.

Over four months ago, Doubletake brought me to that place.

And, just a few days ago... I came back to where... where I'd left him. He'd been there the whole time. Trapped. Unable to move away from that damn tree. He was so ungodly thin. Just skin and bones and tattered fabric of clothes. A shell of the asshole who had held me captive. At first I thought he was dead. Leaning back against the tree with his head rolled to one side. He didn't seem to be breathing and it wasn't as though he SHOULD have been alive...

Valerie was at his side in an instant to check for a pulse... and she had no sooner touched his skin as his head shot up. Eyes wide. Showing white all the way around. Val gave a shout of surprise as I grabbed her, pulling her back sharply as those wide eyes rolled from her, up my arm, to me.

A leathery grin.

I was honestly shocked when he manage to get to his feet at all... even if he did immediately crumble back to the ground. He started speaking, but... it was absolute gibberish... it was... like when I visited my nanny five years ago when she had been in the last stages of dementia. There were just... sounds that came out. A constant stream of sounds. No sentences. Nothing to make sense of. He'd roll his head around his shoulders as he went on. Eyes constantly following things that weren't there. At least to us. Sometimes you'd catch an odd word, but... that's what Christian sounded like. At first, anyway.

When Valerie started talking to him, she eventually coaxed him into stringing words together. He mentioned several things at that point. He mumbled about how he couldn't get away. How he'd been trapped that since our little adventure together. He muttered about death. How it never came. Wouldn't come. As if it couldn't "find him" there. How he knew I'd come back. How he knew what I was thinking... and that I'd come back.

His demeanor and how he spoke changing by the second. I recognized the switches - he was flipping through the personalities he'd made for himself. Bouncing around amongst them. Contradicting himself with his rambling. Of who he was. Of where he was from. Basic things... yet he couldn't stick with an answer. And when that started cluing in, he'd get panicked. Scrambly. Shaking and clawing at his own boney form. Crying. Going back to making only sounds until Val could bring him back to sentences. I never let her get to close to him...

Not until she practically ordered me to let her go and she got right up in front of him. Holding his hands so he'd stop the clawing. Stop him from drawing more blood.

That's when he said it: Tainted blood.

I suddenly had those too-wide eyes on me. Head rolled sideways. Staring. Unblinking. I could feel myself bristling. Nerves. He started mumbling about me. My blood. The book. Barely making sense but... at least his mind was on the right page when I crouched down and asked him about the book. I asked him who's book he had been looking for, since he'd said before Steven's journal wasn't it.

"D-Devil's Book."

"...Who is the Devil? Was... it Robert? Are you looking for ROBERT'S journal? Is..." I literally had to force the words out. "Is Robert the Devil?"

The grin that came to his lips then made me shiver. Knots forming in my stomach as he pulled himself closer to me. Fingers gripping onto my jacket... the same jacket that used to be his. "In y-your blood. He's in, he's IN your BLOOD. Y-You... y-you, you, you, you're c-connected. He's IN YOU! In y-you, you... you can do it instead. Yes! YES! Yes, y-you can do it instead! He's i-in y-your BLOOD! Y-You're BLOOD! S-Steven didn't know it - never know, never know! He didn't realize he was already done with you. With you BOTH! All done, but didn't know - never know! Hehehe!"

I felt like I'd been sucker punched again. "...What do you know about Steven?"

"S-Stevie didn't know. D-Didn't, didn't know at all! That's w-why. Why he m-made the deal. D-Deal, deal, deal with the Devil~ Haha! But YOU!" My hold on my knife got tighter as he moved forward. Too close. WAY too close. Eyes WAY too wide. Desperate... but excited. "Y-You can do it. Y-You can make me like YOU. You can sh-share your bl-blood! Your blood... share it with m-me. Pl-Please... please share it with me. PLEASE!"

I... panicked. Shoved him back. With how little he weighed... I practically threw him off me. He flew back like a ragdoll. Hit the trunk of the tree... and crumpled back to the ground. I'm... certain some of his bones broke on impact. I... heard the cracks. Val yelled at me to stop it and rushed to aid him... while I yelled for her to stay back. She didn't. She got right in close and put her hands to his head gently. She told me she was going to help him. That she had to help him.

I saw the flash of steel and... Valerie screamed. There was a rush of movement that I can't really remember... and then I had Christian on his back. I was straddling him. One hand holding my knife to his throat, my other pinning his own knife to the ground. The grin that stared back at me... was Verin's.

"Won't you share your blood with me? It's wasted in trash like you." Then tears began to stream from those cutting eyes as they turned soft. "Pl-Please, Michelle. Please, I need it... you can help me. You NEED to help me. I helped you, didn't I? I only ever... tried to help y-you."

My mind was pounding. I could barely hear Valerie yelling my name... and it was at that point... that I realized there was a pressure over me.

Father was there.

I remember moving so slowly as I shifted back up to my feet. Trying to think past the pounding in my skull as I turned. Finding where He stood. Watching. That edge burning into me. The pounding growing worse. I blinked, and He stood directly in front of me. Perhaps eight feet away. Right under the tree. Christian was... whimpering. Trying to pull himself away in the dirt. Valerie said later she was screaming at me to get away. I only stared back at Him. The endless whispers passing over my ears. Everything layering. Blurring... and then it all went quiet. The world faded out to a bright white. Leaving only a defiant daughter... and an irritated Father.

I remember a snap.

And then I was running. My hand in Valerie's. I'm not sure who was pulling who.

I do remember looking back though as we got to the car. I remember the screaming and blood as Christian was impaled by tentacles... and how the screams only went to a higher pitch as he was impaled onto a branch. Intestines drawn out of his skeleton-like form. Spread over the tree... and, I'm not sure how right this is but... the fire that soon consumed that entire tree... seemed to start on Christian himself.

There was laughter as I started the car. Familiar laughter. And it didn't come from the field... it was coming from the opposite side of the road. When I looked, I only caught a glimpse of the Shadow... and then there was nothing. As always. Just a glimpse. Just a movement out of the corner of my eye. A whisper in the dark. Then nothing.

Valerie says it's stress.

I'm tired of this.

I'm tired of all of this.

Father. The Eyes. The Shadow.

They follow me everywhere... on every side...

And I don't know which to run away from... and which to run toward...

Devil Book

I feel as though I've driven from one side of this country all the way across to the other... and didn't even get a chance to see the world's biggest ball of twine.

He's been appearing a lot more frequently lately. I haven't been actually seeing Him, but... I don't need to. For over a week now, we would be driving along, trying to get to Corey's... but I kept feeling the pressure - the warning - that He was nearing. That He was There. I'd focus for a few seconds to figure out which direction He was in... and so we'd split in the exact opposite direction. Just doing our best to avoid Him. I'm oddly grateful for this little... trick I have. It gives me a better chance to keep us one step ahead.

He also brought Proxies into the matter a few times. Letting me sense the connection there to get me to change direction instead of He interfering Himself. That feeling is... not like the one He has. At all. It's more just a Knowing in the back of your mind. Valerie explained it pretty decently out of the jumble of words I normally use... so I'll just leave it at that.

Even after we eventually got into town, I tried to stay as aware as I possibly could. I didn't want Him to see us with Corey, so I wanted to get out as quick as possible if I felt the change. I'll freely admit that I'm sort of... fooling myself into thinking that maybe He doesn't KNOW who Corey is yet... but even if He does know, I still don't have to take Him by the hand and bring Him to Corey's front door.

Unlike someone else who obviously has no problem doing just that.

To each their own, eh?

We've been exchanging emails for quite a while now. Organizing, cancelling, making up excuses, rescheduling... I thought for sure Corey was going to smack us both over our heads when he saw us for flip-flopping so much. But he didn't. He greeted us with more warmth than Val and I have for each other some days (we're together 24/7. It's not exactly rainbows and sunshine all the time). Invited us in. This time though he skipped right over offering food and drink, and just brought out what he had. Timbits. And coffee. From Tim Hortons. I swear, even reheated it's better than anything I've had this side of the border. No offense or anything, it just... even the STEAM says 'Home.' He said that he makes a run across the border from time to time. Since he knew we'd be EVENTUALLY showing up, he got extra.

Val seemed to like it. But I don't think QUITE as much as us "lost" Canadians. All we needed to do was start a conversation about the weather as someone in another room started yelling "shoot" and it would have felt like I was right back in Eastern Ontario. Normal.

Unfortunately, we were on something of a time limit since we weren't sure when He'd pass by. So we got talking. Catching up with details at first... then he called us liars for saying we were okay. Asking if the girl he had over the night prior had wrote 'Stupid' on his forehead while he was sleeping before she'd left with the $200 she'd stolen from his wallet. He said that we sure as Hell didn't look or sound anywhere near 'okay' and that he'd heard from his mum about the mess I'd gotten myself into back in Canada. Getting arrested and all that. He said that if we didn't want to tell him what was going on, then that was fine, but not to insult his intelligence by saying everything was "a-okay." He did ask me if I was guilty of what they said I was though. I looked him in the eye and said no. He said "fair enough" and we carried on from there. Started talking about the journal. Val mentioned a bit about it here. We showed it to him... with a few pages removed.

Especially page one.

It was the first hint that Steven had started it AFTER he had starting getting stalked:

Subtle, eh?

Call it weird but... it's kinda nice to know that Steven and I both had a thing for art.

Anyway, for obvious reasons, Corey didn't need to see it. So we ripped it out before we got there. There are other little doodles throughout the book... but this one was the most... attention-catching.

Corey told us a few stories of what he and Steven used to do together. Apparently my brother was the one that got Corey into adventuring. Showed the "nerd" the satisfaction of "conquering the world one tree at a time." The guy never stopped smiling as he spoke of their shenanigans. Of all the trouble they caused together that drove both our parents and his up the wall... but, apparently, his were already up the wall to begin with. Rough home. Being able to get out and go wherever he wanted became his sanctuary. He didn't have to listen to the yelling anymore. He could just leave... even if it was out a window. Steven gave him the confidence to do that.

It wasn't until Steven was thirteen that things started changing. He started getting extremely anti-social. Making excuses to stay alone. Steven started having erratic mood swings, constant paranoia, insomnia... just your average reaction to being under His gaze, really. He started bringing the journal with him everywhere and would "pitch a fit if anyone touched it." Obviously, Corey was worried, and although Steven went to him for support, Corey said my brother never spoke a word about what was going on that was bothering him so much.

Sitting in front of him as he spoke about it, it was easy to see how much Corey regretted never pushing the issue.

And then, about a year after Steven started changing, suddenly this guy named Robert fell (or placed himself?) into the situation.

Transcript from recording:

"Like I told you the first time you were here, I met the guy a few times. He was just one of those people that... gave you an eerie feeling right from the first glance. I don't know what the Hell that guy told Steven to get him to trust him so damn blindly, but it was like... Steven had found a rope. And he wasn't about to let go. Even if the other end was held by a fucking snake in the grass. When I told that to Steven though... he'd get mad. Close the issue. Said it had nothing to do with me and so I should back the fuck off. One time, Robert walked in on Steven and I arguing. The guy calmly accused me of being part of the problem. He said that part of why Steven was having it so hard was because of me and that I should show more compassion to my friend. Smug prick. Steven stopped talking to me completely after that. Just said he didn't want me involved anymore...

"I tried to keep in contact for a while, but... eventually I gave up. With that, plus home shit... I landed up dropping out of school, and just spent my time... moving around. I didn't even go home anymore. I just went anywhere and everywhere with my backpack. Learned how to make cash on the side. Steven would somehow get a hold of me every once in a while though. Asking about where I'd been. Where there was a lot of trees. Any abandoned buildings. I always told him what he wanted to know, then I wouldn't hear from him again for ages (We're assuming this is when Steven and Robert were compiling pictures of Him to use as evidence to expose Him to the public). That went on for... about a year and a half, I guess. Maybe a bit less? Then I didn't hear from him at all for several months and I couldn't shake this feeling I had... so I went home. Steven was still there, but he was acting and looking a hell of a lot worse than before... and Robert was gone. Steven only told me they had a falling-out. Wouldn't say over what. Actually, he wouldn't say much at that point... but he was absolutely terrified about you, Michelle."

I frowned. "What makes you say that?"

He shook his head. "Look, I know people change all the time. Kids change faster than anyone. I just... I don't know what happened while I was gone, but when I came back... it wasn't only Steven who had changed for the worst. It was you too. You couldn't have been... what? Ten at that time? And your moods were... nearly bipolar. You got nose bleeds that would take forever to stop. Night terrors. You were constantly cold even when everyone else was sweating. Had chronic migraines where all that helped was putting you in a dark room underneath a blanket to help muffle sound. Steven would stay with you every time it happened... and I can still remember him telling me how you always woke up crying about eyes watching you. Steven took it all hard. Like, REALLY hard.

"Your parents took you to the hospital more than once. You spent quite a few weeks there at one time... and it was during that time that the local Canoe Race was taking place. I actually managed to convince Steven to go in it with me for old time sake. Telling him that the doctors were taking care of you and that he didn't have to worry. I told him they would figure out what was wrong and you'd be okay... I said it would be good for him..." He sighed. "By the time the race finished, the hospital had called. You'd disappeared."

"Disappeared?" Valerie echoed. "How? What happened?"

Corey shrugged a bit helplessly before looking back to me. "You really don't remember any of this?"

I just shook my head. I really didn't trust myself to speak. I felt... like I'd been sucker-punched. To... have a chunk of your life explained to you is... beyond surreal... to be point of being frightening. I didn't remember any of this. I mean, I've always HATED hospitals and then I find out I disappeared while staying in one and then land up... fuck. I'm not getting into it right now. Later.

He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable. "...Michelle, sometimes the mind blocks things off for a reason. Maybe we shouldn't mess with it? I mean... ignorance is bliss, right? What happened fourteen years ago doesn't really matter today, right?"

I think Val was about to say something, but I guess I beat her to it. Though it was in practically a whisper. "I need to know."


He hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "You went to where the treehouse is, right?"

"Yes."

"...I figured you knew. If I'd known you didn't... fuck. I'm sorry. I guess I should have made sure that--" He stopped himself. "That's where you were found, Michelle. Not far from where the treehouse is. Deep in the bush. You were still in your hospital clothes and you were... covered in blood. DNA matched it as your own, but... there literally wasn't a scratch on you. All around where you were found were all kinds of... gutted animals. No one could figure it out. Case was never solved. You were... beyond traumatized. You wouldn't talk to anyone or let anyone touch you, not even your parents... except Steven. Only him. He'd hold you for literally hours as you'd stare off in to space. He blamed himself. I could never understand why, but I could see it when I looked at him...


"Then, not even a week later... he was gone. Disappeared into thin air. Your entire family was just... in pieces." He frowned. "You took Steven's disappearance hard, but... I don't know. You'd started recovering, I guess. Talking again. Not the same as you were, of course, but--- Michelle, you're bleeding!"

It was just my arm. It had started bleeding. Probably from stress. Nerves. I excused myself to the bathroom to clean-up and, when I came back, I could only think of one more question I had for him. 

"[Corey]... do you know anything about 'The Devil Book'?"

He gave me the weirdest look. I guess it was a harsh change of subject, but I honestly didn't want to dwell on the previous one. Still don't. I'm... still sorting it out, I guess. "'Devil Book'...? What the hell...? That spooks story your family used to tell everyone to freak them out? It was just some stupid devil worship book you found in the attic when you moved houses, wasn't it?"


"That's what I always knew it as. It was a stupid prank. I just remember using it to freak people out with all the shit that supposedly went on trying to get rid of the thing. A joke, right? That's what you remember?"

"Yeah, just a joke. Your brother used to get the biggest kick out of it, but even he told me it was just a dumb book. He actually caught your oldest brother moving it out of the attic and to another spot of the house just to freak your parents out. Once they learned about what had been going, well... it had become a good story. Why?"

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. It's nothing. I've been having a few freaks yelling at me about it being real and that they wanted it. I'm just glad I'm not the insane one for once..."

He actually laughed. "'Real'? That's nuts! What kinda wack-jobs are you hanging out wi--" His smile suddenly became a  frown. And, staring at me, I knew I wasn't going to like what came out next. He suddenly looked to the journal and photos on the table of him and Steven. "...Fuck. I just remembered... that there was another kind of 'Devil Book' from back then." He glanced between the two of us. "Robert's journal. He had one, just like Steven did. One time, by pure luck, I got a chance to sort of... flip through it while Robert was in another room speaking to Steven." The look that crossed his face was one of disgust, anger... and fear. Even after all these years had passed, I could see FEAR in Corey's eyes. "If there is anything that deserves the name 'Devil Book', it was that fucking thing. It looked old. Like, leather-bound kinda old. The things that were written in there... fuck, he was sick. All kinds of twisted comments and notes and..." He looked directly at me. "Experiments... on people. He referred to them by numbers. Not even names. 

"I did the dumb thing. I freaked out. Started yelling. Robert came back... and slammed me back against a wall. Choking me. The only thing that looked enraged was those eyes of his. Two pits of rage burning from the shadows of that fucking hood. Steven managed to break us up... and promptly yelled at me for snooping through Robert's journal. I screamed that it wasn't any fucking journal..." His eyes went back to Steven's journal. "I screamed that it was The Devil's Book."

 We spoke for a little while longer, but I felt sick and wanted to go. So we did. Thanked Corey for everything and left. We've been driving since then. Just putting distance between us and him.

I wanted the truth.

And now I have some of it... I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I don't fucking know.

Fear

I've been trying to sort out for a while now what would be easiest to try to explain first. So much happened last year that it's a killer on my brain just to start thinking about it... and I've learnt it to be a very bad idea to read through my own blog for ideas. Half the shit I don't want to be reminded of and the other half are things I want to punch myself for...

Which, I guess, would be a good place as any to start. One of those "Fuck, I was stupid" times. Always good for something, right? This one was one of the first ones, actually. I'm not sure if any of you have noticed or not, but a lot of my older stuff I've edited and added comments on to try to explain things a bit better than I did at the time. This one though... well, it really was the first step I took in the lies and half-truths. All because of something that I've mentioned again and again and yet have never explained what I mean by it...

The... "Feeling."

The one I get when He is around.

I always expected someone to ask but... I guess you all just assumed. Now you get to find out if you assumed right.

I've said it again and again that I'm not afraid of Him. And, on the graves of my family, I swear to you that I'm not. I never have been. The terror everyone else says He drills into your core when under His stare... I've never felt it. Not once. The first time He was so damn close... and I still wasn't afraid. I was freaked out, of course, but not scared. Not of Him. After all, the Feeling that He gave me wasn't something to stand the hair on the back of my neck on end... or kick in any kind of fight or flight reflex, for that matter. It... never even once made me feel like I was in any kind of danger.

Instead, it was... comforting.

Each and every time, it comes the same damn way. I feel a pressure settle over me... as though a slight weight had been placed over my shoulders and head. Not to restrict me in any way, but just... to serve as a reminder. That He was there. Is there. "Father." The pressure wraps around me and I nearly... I nearly feel at peace. I suddenly feel like a drowning person who's been thrown a floation device. I can breathe. (At least until He decides I need to be punished.)

And it is because of this that I... am afraid. Of myself. Of being different. Through all these blogs, I don't remember anyone who experienced anything like this.

Well... no one, except Proxies. They mention it. They speak of comfort and peace and purpose. They tell about His glory and majesty... and, to the deepest part of my soul, I have respect for Him. I hate Him and everything He has done and will do... but I can't help but have this feeling of respect drumming inside me. Capitalizing the words I use to refer to Him isn't even my choice. It literally feels wrong not to. I can't even... call Him the name He is most commonly known as. I've literally sat here for the past ten minutes to type it out... but I can't. It sounds too simple. Too cheap. Almost mocking. So I simply call Him "He That Is"... or "Black King" works too. But in doing that... I start sounding just like Them, don't I?

Is it really any wonder I lashed out? Again and again? I was pissed OFF. It wasn't suppose to GO like this. This fight was supposed to be against the terror brought on by an Evil Entity who swoops in and destroys your life and picks your sanity apart piece by piece. How the Hell could I feel comforted by His presence? How could I possibly admit to something like that? Not only admit it to myself... but to you guys as well? Basically say that "Hey, I'm like Them! But don't worry. I won't go nutz-o on you. Pinky swear!" I'm sure THAT would have gotten me far...

That night when I went out to see Him... I was desperate. I was mad at myself and desperate to prove that I was afraid of Him. That I was just like every other Runner in this Community. That if I just got a bit closer, I'd feel it. I'd feel the fear that tears you to pieces without even being touched. To crumble to the ground with a terror that pounds in your chest and screams in your ears. I thought I just had to get a bit closer...

I don't remember what happened after I went outside. I don't even remember going back into the house. All I know is I woke up the next morning in my room. I've tried so hard to remember that patch of time, but it's gone. Whatever happened, I might not want to remember. He'd been close enough to take my necklace, after all. My pendant. I'm just... glad He did leave it for me to find. It wouldn't be the last time He focused His attention on it though. I guess He knows it means something to me.

Valerie had given me this pendant years ago as a birthday present. It's handcrafted. A horse on one side and a dragon on the other. I always looked at it as a reminder. On one side you have the horse: Reliable, strong, hardworking, trustworthy, kind, gentle... all the things a person would want to be in the world. And on the other side, you have the dragon: Glorious, unstoppable, untameable - limited only but one's own imagination. I think that's how people should try to live - a horse in mind, a dragon in spirit. Or maybe I'm just being weird again. Looking too closely into things. All I know is that, from the minute I got it, I never took it off. Not until He took it off for me. I'm... just relieved it didn't disappear. It helps me get through the day, sometimes. I believe in its weight around my neck the same way I believe in the ground. It'll always be there. It's a constant.

But, just like my pendant, there's a flip-side to the comfort in His presence. To contrast... the ache when He isn't around is near constant. It runs through my whole body. Some days it hurts more than others, but it's always there in one form or another. Every minute of every day. All my muscles. My brain. My insides. Everything. It's a constant drain. Some days I literally can't eat because I don't feel like I could keep anything down... and I honestly don't remember a day when my eyes haven't been bloodshot red or that I didn't feel the pressure on my temple that told in its painful sing-song voice that I'd be dealing with a headache soon. I just take my pills (migraine pills. Not those "mystery pills" that were (are?) popular for a while) and ignore it. Get on with the day. Smile when I need to. Manners, manners, manners... Don't forget your manners, Mitchy...

I think... I'm getting better at not letting the pain get to me. Heh. Being in constant pain... caused from resisting what He wants of me... Has. Become. My. Norm.

How fucking stupid is that?

What... the Hell is so wrong with me that I'm like this? Am I really that horrible of a person? Am I really that fucking bad?

I still hadn't said It yet though. I haven't sworn loyalty or given any kind of vow or done anything to suggest I wanted His influence in my head any more than it already is. I know after posting this I'm probably going to be called a Proxy again... even though I still call myself a Runner... but, perhaps, that doesn't quite fit with what I am either. Maybe I'm a Running Proxy. Running from the Job more than the threat of death...

This is me being honest. Should I stop?