Sunday, March 25, 2012

Waiting for Tomorrow

Heh. It's funny how things go.

After over a year of trying to hide, trying to be someone else, trying to feel things I can't and be someone I can't... I finally get kicked into writing a post where I think I'm setting myself up to get flamed into oblivion...

Only for everything... to turn out okay.

And, honestly... I've been DOING okay ever since, all things considered. I mean... my arm still stings like a bitch and choosing this side instead of His will always be painful - even with my vow to the Sages - but... I never realized how exhausting putting on a front was until I let it drop...

Hehe... "the truth shall set you free", eh?

I guess what it really comes down to... is the realization that this Game works differently for everyone. That the "rules" on one Target don't necessarily apply to the next. Father's nature and influence IS practically chaos in itself, after all. So it makes sense to not be consistent. Least in my mind.

I'm sure you already read what is going on since Spencer dropped us a line yesterday. It honestly surprises me that he'd offer to help like this since his last message on Return to Slender kind of... went in a different tone, but... like he himself said: he probably needs this just as much as we do right now. I, for one, know what it's like to need something to focus on...

Hell, my focus tends to flip everywhere but the cooking channel during the hard days. I draw a lot still and I think I've read Steven's journal about twenty times over...

I know some parts by memory now.

.......See what happens when I'm in a decent mood and am left in awkward silences between Drew and Val? Random ramblings alert. No one shall be spared~ And really, the guy isn't that bad. I've met worse. He's a pretentious asshole... but at least he's given us a free roof over our heads. Logically, I'm rather grateful for that... even if he does make a comment or two that make me want to punch his nose in.

But anyway. What I really came on here for... was because I decided I might as well start posting Steven's journal entries. Always said I would, but never got around to it before. Typical for me, really.

This one... this one is one of my favorites, oddly. It... reminds me just what kind of bond we must have had as kids.

I almost feels like I've betrayed him for not... really remembering much about him.

"it's... wow. 4am. no sleep yet. haven't seen HIM yet either though today so... i guess i can catch some now. once i'm certain mimi is going to stay asleep. i never really get how she finds me first without waking mum and dad up first but she always does. she crept down the stairs so quietly i wouldn't have noticed her at all if the step hadn't creaked. the second i looked at her though, she just ran for me with her arms already out. crying. routine by now. i picked her up and held her.

robert was over, of course. we were sorting through the photos we had so far when mimi came down. and... fuck, robert's ASKED about her before, but she always comes up clean. she's not in danger yet, but she keeps having these nightmares. robert said today that maybe we should "put that advantage to use" or some shit. i was so certain i misheard, but then he said outright that she would make an perfect lure, one with "no variables involved." MY SISTER as nothing more than BAIT for that thing! i couldn't believe what i was hearing - i still can't. this was from the guy who helped me, showed me how to fight back. i can't believe it, but... michelle comes first. i did what i had to do.

i threw robert out of my home. and then i took mimi to back bed. i don't care if robert doesn't like it or leaves or whatever - he's NOT using michelle like that. over my dead body.

you know it's funny. sometimes i ask mimi what's bothering her. what she's so scared of. sometimes she tells me about her nightmares, but she's always so tough about it. probably what robert liked about her, now that i think of it. watching over her now... i realize she's never been afraid of sleep itself before.

it... terrifies me, a little. it's not that she's afraid of dreaming about dying, not anymore. she's realized by now that that can't hurt her. it's that she's realized she really will die someday.

it's really all i can do not to cry with her. how can i possibly tell her that i feel the same way?"


Thank you so much... for trying to help me. For being there for me when I needed you most and trying to protect me. Please know you didn't fail me. You tried. You tried so hard... and that's all I could have ever asked of you. That's all anyone can ever ask.

Please don't hate me for the things I've done.

I only ever tried my best.

I tried.

Thank you.

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