Monday, June 6, 2011

Wrong

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

That went badly. Very very badly. I shouldn't have done that. No, no, it's what HE had wanted. He tricked me. Yesterday was... no, Friday... yes. Friday. Should be Saturday today. Ha. Haha. I've been asleep. Coma, maybe. Doctors say it was that. Or maybe on edge of? Don't remember. Spent it at the hospital. Just woke up this morning. Woke up from that maze in my head. The doctors told me I haven't been taking care of myself. That I've been neglecting myself. I doubt that. I eat. I sleep. They don't see Him. Know of Him. It's His fault. Can't say that though. Can't risk the rubber room, eh? HAHA! Bad joke. Way way way bad joke. Not funny. Never funny. Bad day....

Now I'm back. Back in my Void. Welcomed again. I still like it here. It's relaxing to be alone. My last place to be alone. It still hurts though. Everything. Deep. Too deep. He... He made me think.... see... things. Couldn't be real. No, no way it was real. Hallucinated, eh? First time for that. He made me... think I was burning too. I burnt Zeddy. Burnt him in a metal barrel around back. I wasn't going to let Him toy with Hailey anymore. No no no more... that's what I thought anyway. Thought I could get a step ahead. Now THAT'S a joke.

He came when Zeddy burned. I knew. I was laughing. Always laughing. I hate laughing. Don't want to, but He makes me. Can't hold it back. Can't stop. Can't keep control. Never keeping control. He has the control. Always. I fight it. Always fight. Makes my head pound worse, but I don't care. I have to fight. Always fight the Control. Talking in my Void let's me think I still have it. I control this, right? Control when I shout into the Nothing...

I don't feel like shouting today.

So hard to think straight. So hard to.... focus. Christian has noticed. Asked if I was okay.

Okay.

Another joke.

I'm full of them today. I'm not laughing though. So sick of laughing....

That was one of my things. Hakurei used to hate it. Things hurt. Things got too close. So I joked. So I laughed. So I waved it off. Never let it get close. Never. Hurts more when it's close. So sick of hurting. He says He can make it go away. He told me that. I hear Him now. So loud. Too loud. Whispers. Hushed screams echoing in my head. They don't shut up. He won't leave me alone. Alone in my Void. That's all I want. Nothing hurts here. Just me and my words. No one to judge. No one to control what I say. What I do. They all want control, I know. Everyone does. I just want a bit. That's not... too much to want, is it? To control me? He wants that more than I do, I think. He makes me find Him. Even in my dream. Nightmare. Whatever it is. Corpses everywhere. Some grab at me as I run. Won't let go. Dead eyes. Always watching. I want my empty nights back again. All I ever wanted was my Void. I have it on here. I wish I could make it spread.... maybe I should welcome Him to my Void. Maybe Here I'd have Control. Control Him. That would be fun...

Haha. Wonder how His Children would like that? Daddy's Gone Crazy....

...

I just did it again, didn't I?

Music helps a little, I think. Mostly covers His voice. His plans. I don't CARE about His plans. I had my own. Seems like so long ago now... only been a month. A little over one, maybe. I was an athlete. I was going to turn Professional this year. The starting end of it, anyway. Me and Bogie. We were ready. Pushing. Striving. We were going for it. Hoping....

I'd hoped getting rid of Zeddy would amount to something too. It did. For Him. I heard Him.

"The First lays to ash. Such a clever girl." 

I was coughing up smoke as He said that. Crippled down. Hands and knees. Just trying to breathe. He never.... lets me breathe. I NEED TO BREATHE.

My body felt so hot. Skin was smoking. Turning black. Peeling back. I saw angry red beneath. Eyes stinging. Watering. Throat raw. Everything was too hot. Burning. Burning alive. It hurt. It hurt so much... I cried out. Screamed for it to stop. Screamed for Him to stop. Flames licked at me. An invite from Hell. Always complained it was too cold where I lived... and He just tilted His head at me. Watching me. Waiting for me to say yes. That I'd come. That's what He wanted. Why He was here. Pushing me. Taunting me. Hurting me. Burning me. I'm Nothing. He wants me to know it. Wants me to see.... that with Him I can be Something. I'm supposed to be Something, I think... but not alone. Alone I'm just burning alive.... like Zeddy. Like a toy.

I didn't say it. I won't say it. Can't say it. I promised. Promised. Long ago, but it still counts. Promised Hakurei. Won't break it. Can't break it....

I tried to lunge at Him. I did. I remember that. I was holding my knife - Bogie's knife. My muscles were burning. Couldn't support me. Couldn't move me off my knees. I heard my mum then. She had heard me. She grabbed me. Tried to get me to be still. She couldn't see Him. I fought to get away. I didn't want her to burn too. I wanted to hurt Him... but I couldn't. It hurt too much. Don't remember anything after that. Woke up in the hospital. Nosebleed again. Head throbbing. I vomited. Thought it was Saturday... should be Saturday....

My mum brought me in. Said I was having a panic attack when she found me. Had a seizure after that. Never had one of those before. That's new. The hospital kept me all day. Couldn't find anything wrong. Said I wasn't looking after myself. They sent me home after I had eaten three meals today. Hospitals need more rooms. Too many patients. I was a minor case. I didn't argue it - I was glad to leave. Didn't like staying amongst so many strangers. Bad things happen in hospitals. Very bad. Don't mean dying either. Least I was high.....

Feeling a bit more focused now. I think. I like my Void. It helps. Keeping me straight. Hehe. I am a Nothing. And so it's with Nothing that I can find Me. I need to write in here more often....

He hasn't beat me yet.







I hope They are all okay. Hakurei updated. She seems happy. I'm pleased for her. Maybe she can be the One to Escape.

2 comments:

  1. Ooooh. This post makes me feel so tingly inside. Mitch is meant to be a tool. Father's tool. Like Me. Isn't it glorious? She is sooo close to snapping... It will not be long now. She is OURS HA.
    Some friend of hers you are Haku-Chan. She needs you, and you refuse to assist her in any way. Not that you could. You could save her you know Haku. Cross the border, head to her farm. Unless the Filter blocks that too. But you don't know until you try.

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  2. I... fuck.

    Three weeks. I paid extra to have the passport expiated. Come on, Michelle, you can fight this!





    ...Oh god, the captcha was zeddy

    Shit.

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