Friday, May 20, 2011

i don't even know....

Goddamn I don't want to sleep anymore. I really dont. Every time it's that same damn dream and I try not to sleep long so I don't dream but I always sleep more than I mean to and then I'm forced through that same fucking track yet again and I wake up and my head just pounds and pounds... and I always feel like I'm going to be sick after. but then if I don't let myself sleep well.... eventally, that doesn't feel that hot either, you know? The crystals do nothing for me, probably cause I don't have faith in them like Kay or the others do.. fiath isn't really something i'm good at....never have been...

I just want to stay awake now. for as longa s I can. i'm tired of the maze. and ever since Sunday i've... I've been dreaming that same route... only now there's just... rotting flesh spattered everywhere. I can still smeell it - i can't get it out of my head. that reek... that goddamn leak...  some of the corpses could be made out as animsl but... i don't even know. I shouldn't even bother posting this. worthless dribble...

I thought... i thought I saw Him standing beside my bed when I woke up this time but... a second later He wasn't there at all.  Paranoia? Reality? I don't even fucking know anymore. it's all blurring... just blurring.....


  1. Hardly worthless dribble. Just have to take control of that paranoia. Understand it. Understand yourself better. Faith isn't something that is easy to give out. Usually the people that give it willingly are those blind to themselves or those that understand what they want/need. Those that are stuck not knowing where to place it are those still conflicting with themselves about trust. Or someone worried about getting their hopes up. I know all that personally and from just observing. It's not much, but hopefully it's something to consider.

    The longer you stay away the longer you will sleep for, the longer your body will need to rest. Try and poke in some hours, get a schedule going despite your dislike of the idea of sleeping. Better to get some short bursts of it rather than passing out solid. You'll start to feel like shit after some of that, then you'll never want to get the hell out of bed. And trust me when I say you'll need to. Especially now.

    I am also sorry about your horse. Late to it, I know, but still.

  2. Michelle, you CAN'T just stay awake. As much as we'd all like to, it's just not possible. You'd lose your mind within a few days, and die within a fortnight.

    I don't think I've ever gotten nightmares. Or maybe I used to, idk. If I do, I don't remember them.

    Listen, you can't let this stuff get to you. Moreover, you need to not isolate yourself when this shit happens. I've not seen a hint of you in almost a week. If you don't want to talk to strangers, find time for AIM at least... Where are you?

  3. You have friends. If you can't find faith in magic, or yourself, have faith in them, that they care about you and would be devastated if something happened to you. It's not a long term fix, but use your emotions against him. He's trying to make you apathetic, depressed, easy to manipulate... Doesn't that make you angry? What he did to bogie, how he's threatened your family and friends, doesn't that fill you with rage?

    Defy him. You belong to yourself, and he's trying to make you sell yourself short. If you have no value to yourself, at least know that others value you. We are all important in this fight because we are all we've got.

  4. Stop thinking, Mitch. You're not going to do anybody any good if you're so tired you collapse.

    And if you can't believe in anything else believe in the floor. It's always under your feet, it's dependable, it's reliable, and if you ever lose it you've got more problems than just worrying about what to believe in. After you believe in the floor, work your way up to to other things. ;D

  5. Jesus christ. I said I WANTED to stop sleeping. I WANT to do a lot of things. I WANT to do a lot of things that I know I shouldn't even be THINKING about. Doesn't mean I actually do it. I capnap, okay? I'm dealing. I'm FINE.