Give and Take

You got your answer, Nightscream. Though you already knew that, didn't you? Oh, yeah, cause you have fucking EVERYONE pegged, right? One day, I swear on our Father, it will come back to you. One day, you'll get outmatched and, even if I'm not around to see it... you can rest assured I'll be laughing my ass off when you get your ass kicked through the gates of Hell to land on your face in front of all the Runners and Proxies you "played" with. Me included. I think they'd be happy to see you, don't you?

So... yeah. Shit hit the fan. I probably reacted stronger than I should have but...

I'm glad I did. It got someone involved that got through to Val in a way I couldn't. A way she won't let me, or maybe just one it's not possible for me to understand...

(and yes, Sage, I saw your comment too and I apologize for disagreeing but...)

Gargoyle's post... and later his comment.

Thank you.

Your words pried at the same unmovable object that I'd been trying to budge this entire time... and you shook her. Not much - but enough to get her going. I just... used the leverage provided to keep the progress in motion. She's heard the supporting "you can do eeeeeeeeet" comments over and over again. She doesn't believe them. She barely reads them. What she NEEDED was a wake-up call... and Gargoyle helped give it. The 'cunt' comment probably would have been better as just 'bitch', but that being said... I saw my best friend wanting to die - I'm not arguing with results here.

Part of me... still wants to curse myself for not being able to get my own best friend to speak to me without that first little shove provided by someone else... but the other side has already swung far past the point of trying to convince myself I should be capable of what is 'normal.'

Valerie and I... sort of hashed things out. Words, yells, and whispers. All choked into one conversation that we should have had a year ago... God, where does the time go...? It's... going too fast. Way too fast.

Can't it... slow down just a little?

I'm not ready for things to end yet.

I'm not ready to let Valerie go yet.

...Heh. Saying it like that... seems so caring, doesn't it? Like the bond between us - between a Sage and a Proxy - is unbreakable. As if we think the glorious power of friendship will last us through any storm. As if it'll make the waves less high. Wind less fierce. Heh.

I wish that could be the case. I honestly do.

But it's not even close.

That was actually one of the things that has been eating away at Valerie from the inside out. My... bizarre behaviour towards her. During our talk, she went on about her self-hatred for what she's done to me. She screamed about how she took my 'dependency' and used it to keep herself safe. About how she's no better than Father is for how she jerks me around.

How she has... ordered me around.

"I can't even say it was to your benefit anymore. I pointed you at Nightscream, and you followed orders like the fucking attack dog everyone thinks you are! You are my BEST FRIEND, Michelle! You don't deserve to have a leash on you! But I'm the one who put it there!"

It was at that point... that I fully understood the mistake I'd made. 

How many times now have I sworn to be honest with her? With all of you?

And yet I still find a reason to hide something.

I suppose it's my nature, eh?

A Proxy's nature.

I honestly figured it wouldn't hurt her to be in the dark about my intentions between us since I sorta wanted to avoid making things... awkward. I just decided it would be easier on both of us if she didn't know. I never figured it would end up eating her up like this with guilt. I didn't think she'd start blaming herself like she has...

It's hard to predict things you don't feel yourself.

She calls herself a manipulator and I guess... that is somewhat true. Though if you guys plan to crucify her for that, I'd suggest setting up more than one cross. You're ALL guilty of it. Not one person does something for someone else out of the simple goodness of their own hearts - especially when the stakes are this damn high. They simply don't. There's always a prize for each player at the end of the day - even if we don't want to admit it.

For Val, she "uses" me for protection.

For me... I use her for another purpose entirely.

I am... a Proxy on the wrong side. I've said this quite a few times before, and yet... no one really questioned how I was pulling that off, now, did they? It actually kind of amused me in some ways. You all read along as I went through one shitfest after another... but it's always been the same tones, hasn't it?

Anger.

Sarcasm.

Nervousness.

Fear.

And sadistically amused. Can't forget that one. 

But what actual EMOTIONS have you seen from me?

Seriously.

What.

Fucking.

Emotions.?

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when, on my very first posts on a blog that was supposed to be for FUN... I said that I have a hard time feeling any emotion. At the time, I blamed the spirits at my house for mindfucking me into oblivion with nightmares. Now though...? I don't blame them as much. I still remember the nightmares, but I can NOW remember Steven holding me when they upset me. I was okay. It was... during my brother's Haunting, I think, that I stopped... feeling as other people do.

No, scratch that. No beating around the bush anymore.

I don't feel emotion. Point blank.

Fucking hell, I didn't even cry when my family was slaughtered and my home burnt down. I. Didn't. Cry. Sure, I broke, but that's not the same thing, now, is it?

I didn't cry for them.

I didn't cry for my friends.

All these lives, even the ones I took myself - the same lives which are represented on my necklace of metal washers - they don't bother me. Taking lives has never bothered me. In fact... it's been easy to live with. I've never lost a night's sleep from having killed someone - not even that boy that Father pulled the strings of. I watched the light go out in his eyes... and yet, my panic wasn't for that.

My panic was because, inside, I'd enjoyed it nevertheless.

Sort of funny, isn't it? The deeds aren't what bothers me - it's the fact that they don't bother me, that bothers me.

I told you my necklace is my reminder, and it is. The weight around my neck from this chain... replaces what SHOULD be weighting on my mind, but isn't. It reminds me what I'll have to answer for what my last call comes. 

That's why I keep it on.

Because I figure I'd forget about them if I didn't.

And, trust me, this isn't me "trying to be badass." It never has been.

In fact, I have my own word for what I am: Pathetic. Inhuman. Heartless. Ruthless.

I am a Proxy.

I have been since I was... about nine years old, I figure. But something just... got in the way. For one reason or another, I forgot my Father's image... and then when He came for me last year, I panicked and ran. I think a part of me already knew even at that point what was "wrong" with me, but I was in denial. Sweet, merciful denial...

Not so merciful when you get snapped awake though, eh?

Honestly, it's not so bad. Sure, I'd LIKE to be normal, but really...? Why do I need to hide? Why do I have to try to hold myself to YOUR own moral standings when I'll never be able to reach them? When they don't even make SENSE to me? Why do I need to try to guide myself with emotions I don't have? With values I don't have?

But above all of this - all of the murdering and backstabbing or torturing - there is one trait that myself and my siblings have in common with one another. Something that is actually a very respectable quality: Loyalty.

No matter how strong or sadistic or insane a Proxy is.... they all have a deep, unshakeable loyalty for Father.

I have this.

It pounds like a drum in my head - just begging me to fall into tune with it.

It hurts not to.

I knew... I had to do something before the tug of war tore my mind in two.

So... I made my vow of loyalty.

But not to Father.

I vowed my loyalty - my service - to the Sages.

Hakurei Ryuu. AmalgamationSage. Kay.

Zero. Maduin. Amelia.

Robert. Shaun. Jay.

All of them. Dead or alive.

The Legacy of the Sages.

You see, I've always been a person who follows logic. Raw, unforgiving logic.

Logically, Proxies have always been loyal followers.

Logically, a vow of loyalty cannot be sworn to two sides at the same time.

Logically, I could use this to protect myself from Father just a bit more and quiet the drums.

One less thing for Him to use against me.

I use Valerie... as my physical representation of this vow. She was and still is the perfect candidate. Val has the morals I do not, while I have the survival instincts that she does not. She needs me as much as I need her. If she were to die, I would no longer have the physical presence to keep my vow planted as solidly as it is now. After all, Sage is obviously fine on his own, and Kay - if she is still alive - would shoot me in the face if we were to meet. I would land up right back in that same old tug of war with Father... and, eventually, I would fail to hold my ground. He would take me. And I would serve Him just as He has always wanted me to.

So, I protect Hakurei Ryuu.

Call it a symbiotic relationship if you want to.

I put myself through whatever I need to in order to ensure her survival.

Because if she dies, I would have no excuse to continue being Father's Rebellious Daughter.

That being said.. I have now given her the option to tell me to leave, but, logically, even she could see that we make the perfect partnership. Use and be used. All for the sake of survival.

Val took it hard at first. She was in tears. Saying 'sorry' over and over again... I guess she pities the position I've set for myself. All I really could do was hold her hands from across the table and let her cry - she obviously needed it out of the system. After she got over that, we continued talking. Sorting out where we both stood in regard to everything that has happened and might happen in the future. We spoke my history, about Morningstar, about Sage and Kay and the Devil Eyes and Valerie's family and the school burning down.

We talked about Valerie's last post.

And then... she said this:

"No... It was always me, there was always something about me... No. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I don't get to walk out halfway through just because I'm tired; I don't deserve that courtesy. This is not what I came here to accomplish. If you want me to be your... If you want me to have that kind of charge over you, then I will. But..." She trailed off, obviously not sure how to word her concerns. 

"...But I am still your friend, Val. I'll still tell you off when you need it and bug you til I get a damn smile." I grinned. "I think we can manage that instead of 'servant', no?"

She groaned at the 'servant' part and leaned forward again. "Ugh. You were right to be hesitant about bringing this up. This IS weird." A pause. "But yeah. I guess this could be something that works, so long as everybody knows what their give and take is..." She looked at me square in the eye. "But you are going to get your damn arm treated in a way that DOESN'T involve a knife. I've had it up to HERE with that."

I laughed, tone playing mocking. "Is that an order, m'lady~?"

I watched her try to stop from smiling. She couldn't~ "...Oh, shut UP."

I win~


Some of you... might agree with this little deal we have going. Some of you... not so much.


This may not be "right"... but as far as I feel, it definitely isn't "wrong" either.

We're not done yet.

Game on.