Fear

I've been trying to sort out for a while now what would be easiest to try to explain first. So much happened last year that it's a killer on my brain just to start thinking about it... and I've learnt it to be a very bad idea to read through my own blog for ideas. Half the shit I don't want to be reminded of and the other half are things I want to punch myself for...

Which, I guess, would be a good place as any to start. One of those "Fuck, I was stupid" times. Always good for something, right? This one was one of the first ones, actually. I'm not sure if any of you have noticed or not, but a lot of my older stuff I've edited and added comments on to try to explain things a bit better than I did at the time. This one though... well, it really was the first step I took in the lies and half-truths. All because of something that I've mentioned again and again and yet have never explained what I mean by it...

The... "Feeling."

The one I get when He is around.

I always expected someone to ask but... I guess you all just assumed. Now you get to find out if you assumed right.

I've said it again and again that I'm not afraid of Him. And, on the graves of my family, I swear to you that I'm not. I never have been. The terror everyone else says He drills into your core when under His stare... I've never felt it. Not once. The first time He was so damn close... and I still wasn't afraid. I was freaked out, of course, but not scared. Not of Him. After all, the Feeling that He gave me wasn't something to stand the hair on the back of my neck on end... or kick in any kind of fight or flight reflex, for that matter. It... never even once made me feel like I was in any kind of danger.

Instead, it was... comforting.

Each and every time, it comes the same damn way. I feel a pressure settle over me... as though a slight weight had been placed over my shoulders and head. Not to restrict me in any way, but just... to serve as a reminder. That He was there. Is there. "Father." The pressure wraps around me and I nearly... I nearly feel at peace. I suddenly feel like a drowning person who's been thrown a floation device. I can breathe. (At least until He decides I need to be punished.)

And it is because of this that I... am afraid. Of myself. Of being different. Through all these blogs, I don't remember anyone who experienced anything like this.

Well... no one, except Proxies. They mention it. They speak of comfort and peace and purpose. They tell about His glory and majesty... and, to the deepest part of my soul, I have respect for Him. I hate Him and everything He has done and will do... but I can't help but have this feeling of respect drumming inside me. Capitalizing the words I use to refer to Him isn't even my choice. It literally feels wrong not to. I can't even... call Him the name He is most commonly known as. I've literally sat here for the past ten minutes to type it out... but I can't. It sounds too simple. Too cheap. Almost mocking. So I simply call Him "He That Is"... or "Black King" works too. But in doing that... I start sounding just like Them, don't I?

Is it really any wonder I lashed out? Again and again? I was pissed OFF. It wasn't suppose to GO like this. This fight was supposed to be against the terror brought on by an Evil Entity who swoops in and destroys your life and picks your sanity apart piece by piece. How the Hell could I feel comforted by His presence? How could I possibly admit to something like that? Not only admit it to myself... but to you guys as well? Basically say that "Hey, I'm like Them! But don't worry. I won't go nutz-o on you. Pinky swear!" I'm sure THAT would have gotten me far...

That night when I went out to see Him... I was desperate. I was mad at myself and desperate to prove that I was afraid of Him. That I was just like every other Runner in this Community. That if I just got a bit closer, I'd feel it. I'd feel the fear that tears you to pieces without even being touched. To crumble to the ground with a terror that pounds in your chest and screams in your ears. I thought I just had to get a bit closer...

I don't remember what happened after I went outside. I don't even remember going back into the house. All I know is I woke up the next morning in my room. I've tried so hard to remember that patch of time, but it's gone. Whatever happened, I might not want to remember. He'd been close enough to take my necklace, after all. My pendant. I'm just... glad He did leave it for me to find. It wouldn't be the last time He focused His attention on it though. I guess He knows it means something to me.

Valerie had given me this pendant years ago as a birthday present. It's handcrafted. A horse on one side and a dragon on the other. I always looked at it as a reminder. On one side you have the horse: Reliable, strong, hardworking, trustworthy, kind, gentle... all the things a person would want to be in the world. And on the other side, you have the dragon: Glorious, unstoppable, untameable - limited only but one's own imagination. I think that's how people should try to live - a horse in mind, a dragon in spirit. Or maybe I'm just being weird again. Looking too closely into things. All I know is that, from the minute I got it, I never took it off. Not until He took it off for me. I'm... just relieved it didn't disappear. It helps me get through the day, sometimes. I believe in its weight around my neck the same way I believe in the ground. It'll always be there. It's a constant.

But, just like my pendant, there's a flip-side to the comfort in His presence. To contrast... the ache when He isn't around is near constant. It runs through my whole body. Some days it hurts more than others, but it's always there in one form or another. Every minute of every day. All my muscles. My brain. My insides. Everything. It's a constant drain. Some days I literally can't eat because I don't feel like I could keep anything down... and I honestly don't remember a day when my eyes haven't been bloodshot red or that I didn't feel the pressure on my temple that told in its painful sing-song voice that I'd be dealing with a headache soon. I just take my pills (migraine pills. Not those "mystery pills" that were (are?) popular for a while) and ignore it. Get on with the day. Smile when I need to. Manners, manners, manners... Don't forget your manners, Mitchy...

I think... I'm getting better at not letting the pain get to me. Heh. Being in constant pain... caused from resisting what He wants of me... Has. Become. My. Norm.

How fucking stupid is that?

What... the Hell is so wrong with me that I'm like this? Am I really that horrible of a person? Am I really that fucking bad?

I still hadn't said It yet though. I haven't sworn loyalty or given any kind of vow or done anything to suggest I wanted His influence in my head any more than it already is. I know after posting this I'm probably going to be called a Proxy again... even though I still call myself a Runner... but, perhaps, that doesn't quite fit with what I am either. Maybe I'm a Running Proxy. Running from the Job more than the threat of death...

This is me being honest. Should I stop?

Resolution

I gave a gift to myself this past December.

I told myself I didn't have to update here.

I didn't have to come online. I didn't have to comment around or be any part of the online political system that has worked itself into the Community. I didn't have to explain what we were doing or learning. I didn't have to talk about any of the shit that happened before. I didn't have to do ANYTHING. I told myself I could breathe. I could keep to myself when I wanted to and talk to Valerie when she was in the mood for conversation... which she hasn't been, really, and I can't blame her for that. But I still didn't have to deal with HERE. That came as kind of a relief for me, to be honest. Whether you like it on not... I've never been a very open person and I don't think I ever will be. Posting is just... stress that I could do without some days...

Really, I always figured I'd make a good Crazy Cat Lady. I even have the screwed-to-hell frizzy hair for the job. Only maybe instead of cats, it could be horses...

...My God, I miss riding. Half the time I feel like a drug addict in need of a fix... only I'm looking for that calming factor... ehh. Times like this I really like to zone out and pretend I'm in the show ring again...

...Okay, little bit of a detour there. Sorry.

Anyway, Valerie's been doing alright considering everything. She's been through a lot and so I haven't really been pushing her to talk to me if she doesn't want to. She's been rather serious since she woke up. Overly serious. So... I've sorta been putting in extra effort to make her smile sometimes. Other times I just let her be and occupy myself with my sketchbook or Steven's journal or just getting lost in my own thoughts. Valerie's commented on the fact I talk to myself now. It's become something of a habit after not having anyone to talk to for so long. Basically it was just for the sake of filling the air since TV and radio were impossible. Someone can only remain in silence for so long before it starts driving you mad...

But that's over now. Val's okay with the TV, so at least I can amuse myself that way when we're crashing for the night. So long as American Idol doesn't come on or something, she's fine. A little more on edge, maybe, but otherwise fine.

Honestly... we're doing alright, for the most part. I've told her everything that had happened. I told her about Twinkle. She took it better than I figured she would. Then again, I had warned her way back when and she knows I'm not someone to say something I don't mean. She was probably expecting it to happen - knowing it was just a question of when. I also showed her my arm after a few weeks. I wouldn't LET her see it right away after she'd woken up no matter how much she glared at me. The infection has gotten worse, so it's not exactly pretty. I didn't need her getting hit by that the first few days she chose to clue back into reality.

The skin tends to... split apart in random places now. But since I sorta ignore the stinging pain it gives me the best I can, I don't tend to notice it until the blood is dripping down onto my hand. It usually splits in one to two inch long sections at a time. Smooth. Like the work of a knife. They bleed like crazy and burn like a son of a bitch when I try to disinfect the area, but... just another inconvenience. I can deal with it. I keep it bandaged now to stop it from mucking up my jacket. Which is actually still Doubletake's old jacket. Fits me pretty damn good really. Nice quality to it. Plus the hidden compartments in it are amazing. I'm STILL finding things I didn't realize were there. Just yesterday I found fifty bucks. Happy New Year, indeed.

Actually, Valerie and I did celebrate a little bit. It was nice. I even got her a gift for Christmas. I couldn't really help but notice that she was prone to getting really cold at night - shivering a lot - so I actually slipped into a store while she was in another store during a supply run and got her one of those really, really, really soft, cozy blankets. The ones that are like that mixture of velvet on one side and this insanely, freakishly soft fleece on the other that makes you feel better just by curling up in them. I... actually had one back at home. They work!

They didn't have a huge selection, so I got her a navy coloured one. She seemed genuinely shocked and rather happy about it. Which made me feel fantastic myself. Both of our lives have turned to shit... but as long as I can work a smile out of that stubborn will of hers, we'll both be alright.

Also... I guess I wasn't the only one sneaking a gift around. Valerie bought me a cowboy hat.

And I.

Absolutely. 

LOVE.

It.

Not even joking. It's black felt and fits me perfectly. She just snuck up behind me and crammed it down on top of my head (almost hurt really~) before giving me a hug and a "Merry Christmas" greeting. The look on my face must have been priceless, cause I swear she didn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.

Actually... I think, despite the circumstances, we're both doing better than we have in a long time. I mean, it's not like we're living the dream life or anything but... things have certainly been worse.

Even He has been at a distance. We've seen Him a few times over the last while. I'm always the first one to sense His presence in the area... which is a pretty nice warning system to have before we even actually SEE Him... but He's always far off. Just watching again. I'm not sure what that means but, He almost feels... different. Like there's an edge to being under His gaze that wasn't there before, DESPITE the fact He's further away. I don't know. Thoughts?

No true incidences though so... it's been a decent month, in other words.

I do have a New Years Resolution though. To contrast my gift to myself through December... I've decided that this year I'm not going to hide away anymore. I'm not going to keep procrastinating about clarifying details and pretending everything is fine. I've been through a hell of a lot this past year and if things hit that hard again... I'm going to NEED here to keep myself balanced. Having Valerie beside me isn't going to be enough, cause a lot of the time I don't have to words to describe how I'm feeling in that moment. As difficult as it is... I need this blog again. And I'm going to try to be more active for you guys too. I may not be the best person in the world, but I'm certainly not the worst either.

For what it's worth... I'm ready to start talking.

Happy New Year, guys. Hope you had a peaceful one. Now let's make 2012 a year to remember.