I gave a gift to myself this past December.
I told myself I didn't have to update here.
I didn't have to come online. I didn't have to comment around or be any part of the online political system that has worked itself into the Community. I didn't have to explain what we were doing or learning. I didn't have to talk about any of the shit that happened before. I didn't have to do ANYTHING. I told myself I could breathe. I could keep to myself when I wanted to and talk to Valerie when she was in the mood for conversation... which she hasn't been, really, and I can't blame her for that. But I still didn't have to deal with HERE. That came as kind of a relief for me, to be honest. Whether you like it on not... I've never been a very open person and I don't think I ever will be. Posting is just... stress that I could do without some days...
Really, I always figured I'd make a good Crazy Cat Lady. I even have the screwed-to-hell frizzy hair for the job. Only maybe instead of cats, it could be horses...
...My God, I miss riding. Half the time I feel like a drug addict in need of a fix... only I'm looking for that calming factor... ehh. Times like this I really like to zone out and pretend I'm in the show ring again...
...Okay, little bit of a detour there. Sorry.
Anyway, Valerie's been doing alright considering everything. She's been through a lot and so I haven't really been pushing her to talk to me if she doesn't want to. She's been rather serious since she woke up. Overly serious. So... I've sorta been putting in extra effort to make her smile sometimes. Other times I just let her be and occupy myself with my sketchbook or Steven's journal or just getting lost in my own thoughts. Valerie's commented on the fact I talk to myself now. It's become something of a habit after not having anyone to talk to for so long. Basically it was just for the sake of filling the air since TV and radio were impossible. Someone can only remain in silence for so long before it starts driving you mad...
But that's over now. Val's okay with the TV, so at least I can amuse myself that way when we're crashing for the night. So long as American Idol doesn't come on or something, she's fine. A little more on edge, maybe, but otherwise fine.
Honestly... we're doing alright, for the most part. I've told her everything that had happened. I told her about Twinkle. She took it better than I figured she would. Then again, I had warned her way back when and she knows I'm not someone to say something I don't mean. She was probably expecting it to happen - knowing it was just a question of when. I also showed her my arm after a few weeks. I wouldn't LET her see it right away after she'd woken up no matter how much she glared at me. The infection has gotten worse, so it's not exactly pretty. I didn't need her getting hit by that the first few days she chose to clue back into reality.
The skin tends to... split apart in random places now. But since I sorta ignore the stinging pain it gives me the best I can, I don't tend to notice it until the blood is dripping down onto my hand. It usually splits in one to two inch long sections at a time. Smooth. Like the work of a knife. They bleed like crazy and burn like a son of a bitch when I try to disinfect the area, but... just another inconvenience. I can deal with it. I keep it bandaged now to stop it from mucking up my jacket. Which is actually still Doubletake's old jacket. Fits me pretty damn good really. Nice quality to it. Plus the hidden compartments in it are amazing. I'm STILL finding things I didn't realize were there. Just yesterday I found fifty bucks. Happy New Year, indeed.
Actually, Valerie and I did celebrate a little bit. It was nice. I even got her a gift for Christmas. I couldn't really help but notice that she was prone to getting really cold at night - shivering a lot - so I actually slipped into a store while she was in another store during a supply run and got her one of those really, really, really soft, cozy blankets. The ones that are like that mixture of velvet on one side and this insanely, freakishly soft fleece on the other that makes you feel better just by curling up in them. I... actually had one back at home. They work!
They didn't have a huge selection, so I got her a navy coloured one. She seemed genuinely shocked and rather happy about it. Which made me feel fantastic myself. Both of our lives have turned to shit... but as long as I can work a smile out of that stubborn will of hers, we'll both be alright.
Also... I guess I wasn't the only one sneaking a gift around. Valerie bought me a cowboy hat.
Not even joking. It's black felt and fits me perfectly. She just snuck up behind me and crammed it down on top of my head (almost hurt really~) before giving me a hug and a "Merry Christmas" greeting. The look on my face must have been priceless, cause I swear she didn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.
Actually... I think, despite the circumstances, we're both doing better than we have in a long time. I mean, it's not like we're living the dream life or anything but... things have certainly been worse.
Even He has been at a distance. We've seen Him a few times over the last while. I'm always the first one to sense His presence in the area... which is a pretty nice warning system to have before we even actually SEE Him... but He's always far off. Just watching again. I'm not sure what that means but, He almost feels... different. Like there's an edge to being under His gaze that wasn't there before, DESPITE the fact He's further away. I don't know. Thoughts?
No true incidences though so... it's been a decent month, in other words.
I do have a New Years Resolution though. To contrast my gift to myself through December... I've decided that this year I'm not going to hide away anymore. I'm not going to keep procrastinating about clarifying details and pretending everything is fine. I've been through a hell of a lot this past year and if things hit that hard again... I'm going to NEED here to keep myself balanced. Having Valerie beside me isn't going to be enough, cause a lot of the time I don't have to words to describe how I'm feeling in that moment. As difficult as it is... I need this blog again. And I'm going to try to be more active for you guys too. I may not be the best person in the world, but I'm certainly not the worst either.
For what it's worth... I'm ready to start talking.
Happy New Year, guys. Hope you had a peaceful one. Now let's make 2012 a year to remember.