Not even ONE?

06/12/11 - Yeah, I lost it a bit. I guess the pressure He put on me finally blew a fuse or two. What can I say? Sorry? I can't be sorry for this. I was mad. No, worse than mad. I was enraged. I was caught up in a rage that had no target. It just Was. And it Was because that was His will. He needed me angry. Needed me unfocused. Wish granted. I thought maybe... if I got you guys mad at me. If I got to let off some steam somehow... I'd be okay. I wasn't thinking clearly. If that's not obvious...


Not one of you has anything to say? Nothing?! How.... how is that... even possible? Sage, Thage... I insulted both of you (former more than the latter, but still), and neither of you have even ONE word for me? You have EVERYTHING to throw at me and you just LEAVE it? WHY?

Nineteen Followers. Nineteen. NONE of you have anything to say? Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with you lot? You love throwing your opinions around, but not at me? You'll yell at a Proxy or Zero or whoever the hell else until you're blue in the face (or hands?)... but you take what I throw without protest? WHY? The stupid page-viewer thing is probably at the highest it's ever been... but nothing? No thoughts? No insults? No promises of my soul burning in Hell? Not even a fucking jab in the side from you, Morningstar? Fucking proxy - do your job already! You're supposed to make people feel WORSE, aren't you? You're FAILING your Master, you prick!

YELL AT ME! Scream, goddammit! Rant! Throw my words back in my face! Make me feel what I'm supposed to! Come on, don't let me down here. I need this. I NEED IT, UNDERSTAND? I need to get in an argument! A need a goddamn fight - a NEED one!!! Come on, already.... I need a kick to the head. Please, okay? I said "please"! Blame me for your parents divorcing. Blame me for the death of JFK or Hilter being born. Blame me for the release of the Blair Witch Project, for crying out loud! I don't care what it's about, just argue with me! Any of you! I thought I'd get something from Thage or Sage.... but any of you will do fine.

I just... I need an argument. Just this isn't enough, I need this to be two-sided here, guys, come on. You hate me, don't you? You hate my guts, you hate my thinking, you hate how I yell on here... use it. Use your anger and lash out at me. Get it off your chest. I need it, okay? I need it...

I shouldn't be this angry. Everything pisses me off... more so than usual. I'm gritting my teeth and clenching my fists until my fingernails cut into my hands JUST to get through a day without ripping someone's head off. They don't even deserve it. I know they don't... which is why I'm trying to hold it in. Do you get it now? I need a vent. It's why I originally made this goddamn blog, remember?! I NEED A VENT. I need to DIRECT this at someone... someone who can take it and fire back...

That's why I chose you two. Thage. Sage. I knew you could take it. I knew you'd fire back twice as ruthless... or, rather, I thought I knew.

That's how I made it through today without trying to kill Christian or snapping at Hailey's millions of questions and her goddamnn colourful Slender-Art. I thought I was coming home to some relief. I was wrong... and now I'm just... I don't even goddamn know anymore. Three-quarters of what's been happening, I haven't been talking about. What I have talked about, no one cares to even....

Not even you, Hakurei? Hun, I haven't spoken to you in over a week. Please contact me. I know you're upset and probably disappointed in me.... but I've been worried about you. Don't block me out. Please.

...

Fuck me. Fuck me and fuck you, Black King. You're not taking anyone else from me. You're not getting Hailey or laying even one of those skinny, long-ass fingers of yours on Tanya. They're MY friends. MY family. Just like you're not getting Hakurei either. I hauled in help with this right now because I knew I didn't know enough to set a defense. I couldn't protect Bogie from you, but there sure as Hell won't be a repeat of that.

My hunting knife - was my brother's, now it's mine - is ready, you know. Bogie's spirit is part of it now, and he wants to pay you back for what you did to him. So do I. The one bone broke, but this one worked out. Bogie is going to get another hit on you if you don't back the fuck off, so go pester someone else for a while... 

He That Is... you do realize what Bogie's full name, Baggataway, means, don't you?

"Little Brother of War."

I named him it when I got him because he was really my lovable jerk. He was always picking a fight with the other horses. With me. With anyone. Now it's you. He'll help me protect those I care about - my "herd" I guess you could say. He'll help me hurt you.

While I finished my offensive, Chris went through Tanya's house today to set some sort of defensive. I drove him there. We talked a lot - a lot more than I would have preferred, honestly. Asking questions. Always questions.... and it doesn't help that I don't like the guy to start with. We've never gotten along. There was just... always something about him that I felt wrong about, but, what do I know? I thought the same thing about Bridget, and she's one of my best friends. Actually, she's the one who helped me track down Chris. The bugger has a certain ability to drop off the face of the planet when he so chooses, but, after a day of not being able to even find a trace of him, I stepped a line I didn't want to and called up Bridget - my oldest friend, the same one who helped me with the issue of the "presence" in my house. Bridget herself would know enough to try to help with Tanya, I'm sure, but I won't include her. She doesn't deserve that death penalty - it's bad enough that Tanya and Hailey got involved; It's bad enough Hakurei was involved before I was - though thankfully she seems to be escaping His notice so far. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth with THAT one.

Chris is the one Bridget goes to for advice - someone who's soul is even "older" than her own - so it is he that I wanted. I planned to be vague. I don't need him to be "infected" as well, but it was for nothing. He knew the second he saw me. He sees auras and energies and such - I honestly don't know much about it other than the fact mine is apparently drawn very close to my body. I guess I'm not that "open" of a person, but I already knew that.

His exact words when he opened the door: "By the Gods... I can feel Him through you..."

Lovely greeting, no? I made him clarify who "Him" was before I would say a word on the subject, of course. Apparently I'm... marked in some way. Christian (he HATES his full name. He says I always say it like I'm labeling him as part of the religion. He's even less loving of the church than I am.... though he actually has a very good reason.) has always said that he hasn't liked me from the first time he saw me - but, whatever I was before, it's much worse now. Chris actually doesn't know a hell of a lot about Slender Man. Didn't even know about the online community.... but he's seen the Black King's... "handy work." I'm apparently the first actual living Runner Chris has come across, though I'm not actually running yet...

Anyway, I don't think there is one spot in Tanya's duplex that was overlooked. Chris went through it top and bottom. All kinds of herbs and mixes and symbols and even some mental-stuff. Seals, I guess they are. Like I've said, this isn't my forte. Most of what he chatters about goes right over my head.... but Bridget trusts him, so I will too.... mostly.

No idea if any of it will work, but at least it's something. We're TRYING. I'd try anything at this point...

Come on, guys. If you can't help me with Hailey, at least take a paragraph and chew me out. I deserve it, don't I? Take a stab at me, I know you want to... see if you hit a main artery.