Thursday, June 9, 2011

im sorry

Mum... you know I loved you, right? I never said it much. None of us ever did. We weren't that kind of family. I loved you though. That word still feels wrong to use. Feels untrue, but if this feeling isn't that, then it's the closest I have. Closest I've ever had. Emotions... don't come easily. Never have. Not since the nightmares. Not since the dying. I numbed myself... and now I don't even know half of what I think I feel. It's easier to get angry. I understand it. I know what it's for. So I use it. More and more. When I feel conflicted. Cornered. Attacked. Vulnerable. I pour gas on the open fire. Let the flames grow hotter. Burn the world. Burn anything that gets too close.

I... don't even realize I'm doing it, half of the time. Instinct. It's just.... hurt or be hurt. Way of the world. Way to Live. Way to survive. Take the advantage. Don't let anyone see you flinch. Don't show weakness. Never weakness....

I want to scream. I want to yell. To be loud. But I can't. Not even to the Void. Focus comes and goes too easily. Can't risk it. Have to concentrate. Concentrate on Hailey. On Tanya. Can't let them get Taken too....

I'm so sorry, mum. Sorry you got involved. Sorry He found you. I didn't mean to bring Him to you. Never meant to. I haven't found you yet, but I will. I'll find you. Find you in the Void. That's where He is, isn't it? Where you are too? In There. Not Here. But same concept. Must be. Has to be.

You knew, didn't you? You knew about Him. Not completely, but enough. You found my sketchbook. I knew I shouldn't have let myself draw. I knew it. But it calmed me. Like the Void calms me. You saw what I had drawn. Did you find the Void too? I hope not. I wouldn't want you to see. Wouldn't want you to know. I'm different. Not what you think. Two sides. Public and Private. Public and Real. You knew Public. Of course you knew Public. Didn't want to disappoint you. Didn't want to hurt you. I tried. I tried to keep it separate. Keep it secret. I tried to be what I'm supposed to be. To you. To them. As a daughter. As a member of the family. Member of our town. I tried to fill the role. Never fit into it perfectly. I know it. I tried my best to. I really did. Please believe me...

But none of this matters anymore, does it? Becaause you're gone now. Gone. He took you and I don't know where. He just left me. Left me to consider what I have to lose. Left to consider His plans. Left to watch Him take it all apart. Piece by piece. All my life. Everyone I care about. Everyone I want to protect. Have to protect. I couldn't protect mum, but there won't be a repeat of that. Not again. Never again. Can't prove Him right. Won't prove Him right. There has to be other options. Other choices. Other than His. His IS an option, isn't it? If it makes Him stop? NO. No, not an option. Can't be an option. Just... no. Can't. Won't. WON'T. WON'T. WON'T.

Have to do something. Have to change the facts. He's changed. He's coming faster. Getting impatient. Getting mad. I think I'm taking too long. Too long to say yes. Wonder if He'll kill me too? If I don't say it.... He may not. Death isn't what breaks you. Never has been.

He's coming again soon. I can feel it.

I'll be Waiting this time.

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