Monday, June 6, 2011

Won't let go

Tanya says I'm distancing myself again.

Kent says I look half-dead.

Christian says I need to clue in and Run soon.

My parents say I'm acting irresponsible.

The last one hurts the most. Never wanted to disappoint them. I forgot. Through all this, I forgot about them. They've been giving me space. Since Bogie. They knew what he meant to me. How hard it hit. They'd been giving me time... but they said I need to get back on track. They said I need to remember what I'm supposed to be doing.... but I don't know what that is. What am I supposed to be doing? They tell me I have others to train. The other two horses. Two babies. That it's stupid to sell them now like I want to. No money in unbroke horses. Flare is four this year. I was backing her in the spring. She's pitch black. One white foot. Show name was going to be Midnight Mirage. She's ready to be put on a schedule. Promo is only one. Full name is Promise Me. He's special - knew it the day he was born. So gentle. Beautiful. Going to grow to be a big boy. I don't want to sell them. Not like I sold Dream and Cora. They didn't make it anyway. Thought by selling them I could save them. Save them from Him. Save them from becoming like Bogie. He didn't let me. Twenty-four hours. That's how long they lasted. I sold them to a breeding barn two weeks ago. Both were pregnant. Cora was due two months from now. Late baby. Dream miscarried through the winter, so was rebred and due in the spring.

Cora was found caught in a fence. Tendons slashed clean through. Bled out.

Dream got her halter caught in a tree branch. Don't know if her neck broke or if she strangled to death.

Can't even save them when I don't own them anymore. He won't let them go. They're only fault was being owned by me. I'm toxic to everything. Thought I was a Nothing, but I'm worse. I care for my horses so much.... and I'm killing them. It's my fault. Just like with Tanya and Hailey. Just like Hakurei leaving. My fault. Always my fault...


Couldn't talk about this then. Didn't want to. Not after talking about Bogie. Didn't want anyone to know. Hurt too much last time. Didn't want to be taunted again. Hurt again. Didn't want Hakurei to worry.... but that doesn't matter now. The Void can know. The Void does nothing but listen. Let's me talk. Let's me do what I want...

The farm isn't doing well. Cows aren't milking like they should. A few have gotten sick. Don't know what causes it. Fatal though. Cats have been getting killed off. Psycho was the first. Laid over my blankets in bloody tatters while I was sleeping. Hate sleeping. Hate waking. Always waking to a new nightmare. That was before the mares. Not long after Bogie. The barn cats are just found here and there around the property. Parents think a fisher is in the area. Ha. That's funny. I wish. A fisher can be killed. That would be a nice option to have. I'd kill for ANY option at this point. Anything besides watching everything I care about die....
I tell myself I won't fail them. That I'll protect them. I want to. But how? So many others have tried. Smarter people. Stronger people. I read about them. They never won. Why do I think I can? I guess it doesn't matter. As long as I breathe, I'll protect them. I have to. If I can get them one more month. One more week. One more day. I'll fight and die for that. To give that to them. I would. I will. But only for them. Only them.
 
I should Run, but I know it won't help. He'll just kill them all when I'm gone. He won't let any of them go. My horses. My friends. My family too. Family doesn't mean much to me, but I do love a few of them. Feels so strange to say that word. But I think it's appropriate. Not sure if it's the same as what everyone else feels, but it's all I know. For my parents. Always good to me. Supportive. He doesn't like my mum. I could feel it. Feel Him. Feel the change when she found me when I was burning. She interrupted. She brought reality in. Grabbed me and reminded me that it couldn't be real. That there's a floor. Ground. I should thank Sage for that advice. Too bad he's gone. My fault again. It works though. It's stupid, but it works. The ground was there. I wasn't burning the grass. I couldn't BE burning if nothing else I touched was. Mum wasn't burning either and she had grabbed me. Mum made me remember, but He had His hold. He kept trying. Trying to make me believe. Believe His Reality. His World. I think that's what caused to seizure. He wouldn't let go. I was pulling back to Real, but He wouldn't let go....

Tanya says she sees Him around her house now. Walking past windows. Peering in. Watching. Won't be long now. Have to stay sharp. Kent threw me against a wall when he found out - when Tanya convinced him it was real. He's a lot bigger than I am. Tossed me like a ragdoll. Like a toy. I am just a toy, aren't I? Probably. Tanya didn't tell Kent it was because of me though. She omitted it. I told him. I told him it was my fault. I'm the one who put his partner and step-kid in the line of fire. My fault. He flipped when he saw how serious I was. No joke. Not a joke. Grabbed me and threw me against the wall. Pinned me there. Think he wanted to slug me then, but Tanya stopped him. Kent let me go. Cursing. Almost wish he had hit me. Maybe would have knocked some sense in...

3 comments:

  1. shitshitshit... Come on, Michelle, break through this! I'm HERE, goddammit! I am!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haku-Chan. You know how pointless it is to try and talk to her. She cannot hear you. She cannot see you. As far as she is concerned you were better off without her. And perhaps you are. One less thing to worry about. You should just let go Haku-Chan, she is not worth the effort.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Quisling. You know how pointless it is to try and separate me from the people I care about. I will not listen to you. As far as I am concerned, you are just a sad, pathetic excuse of a man, left haphazardly in the place of what was once a real human being. And perhaps you already know this to be true. One less angle for you to try against me. You should just stop trying, Quisling, it's a waste of effort.

    ReplyDelete