Wednesday, September 14, 2011

South and North

Anonymous said...
You're not paying attention, are you? For all of your speeches. For all of your so-called wisdom and faith. You continue to blind yourself to the obvious. Not wanting to see. Not wanting to know. You bury yourself so deep, but how long can you keep the charade up? Cracks are beginning to form in your shell. I cannot wait to finally see you. We are getting closer. Now I must ask: Have you seen the children? Regards,

This was posted on Valerie's blog last night.

She's now gone. She took the car and is driving back.

I'm still heading for the border. An hour or so more, and I'll be back in Canada.

My choice?

Like Hell. 

See, I'd found out earlier that the area the tree-house Corey talked about is in... is actually scheduled to be clear-cut, divided up, and made into new lots for houses. We were trying to boot it up there before the entire place was leveled and I lost whatever shot I had at finding some answers. And that was all she kept talking about when it happened - that I had to find my answers. Only without her this time, because she had to go back.

But I didn't care about answers at that point. I just wanted to go with her to make sure SHE would be okay.. Not only has she been a little spacy lately, but this is obviously all part of His Game... and I'm not entirely sure she's plugged in yet. I just... fuck it all to Hell, I don't know right now...

...And I'm telling the story backwards too. Fantastic.

We'd been on the road at the time, listening to music and talking some things through that were on our minds... but a breaking news story on the radio seem to cut straight through whatever either of us had been saying at the time. The monotone announcer spoke about a fast and uncontrollable gas fire in the new [REDACTED] Building of [REDACTED] Academy Charter School in Camden, New Jersey. Needless to say, we immediately pulled off to find an internet cafe - all the while listening to witnesses describing where they'd been at the time and what they'd seen or heard.

Valerie shot ahead of me when we found a cafe and immediately logged into a news site to try to find more information. Me... I don't know. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach... and so I logged on Blogger instead. That's when I found the comment. I showed Valerie... and, I swear, I didn't think that girl could get any paler, but she did. It was like watching someone take a punch to the gut. She just sat there, staring at the words on the screen. His words. Probably rattled off by some Hollowed mother fucker somewhere, but still Him.

I couldn't take it. I grabbed her and practically dragged her out of the cafe. I told her to get in the damn car. That we were doing a U-turn and heading back... and that's when the arguing started. She was mumbling about "morality chain duties" whatever the fuck that means and how we had to keep on going to Canada because this could be the only lead I'd ever get to figuring out what happened to Steven.

My exact words?

"FUCK STEVEN. This shit is more important than whatever happened fourteen years ago, Valerie. Even IF it relates to me now... who gives a shit? This is happening NOW. Only lead or not, we're turning around. Get in the fucking car."

She wouldn't.

Goddammit, her lack of... actual reaction scared the crap out of me. Still scares the crap out of me. I keep telling myself it was just shock... but I've seen shock. I know shock. That was not shock. We landed up arguing in the middle of the street for a sum of minutes. Mostly with our voices down. Eventually, she told me she would only get in the car and go back... if I kept going forward. If I kept going up to Canada.

Did I like that? No.

Did she? No.

But I wasn't going to let her just ignore what was happening back at home for her on account of me.

And she wasn't going to let me just ignore my own chance at answers on account of her.

So... we split up.

It already feels like a mistake.

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