30/08/11 - "Who I am with attitude issues" should have been the title. Good luck.
"Weren't you banished to Foodcourtia? Shouldn't you be... frying something?"
"Oh, I quit that after I heard about this!"
"......You quit being banished?!"
My favorite quote from Invader Zim to kick this off~
I suppose... it would be best to start out explaining how I got to the point where I'm just a few stitches short of a true blue straight jacket. Heh. Haha~ I still don't understand. I really thought I knew myself back then, didn't I? Oh well. C'est la vie. No, no, I'm not one of those special people who believe they were insane since birth. That's rarely the case, in my own opinion. Maybe I was a little off my rocker from the get-go (genetic fuckery for the win!), but I know that there were plenty of external influences that picked away at my sanity day by day.
Apart from being the black sheep of the extended family, my own family was fairly stable. Being the youngest of our little clan and the only girl, I had the joy of growing up with three older brothers. One, sadly, died when I was young - severe brain lesions, let's leave it at that. There was always yelling in the house, but nothing traumatizing. Dr. Phil probably wouldn't agree, but fuck him - he's just an annoying-ass know-it-all.
What truly did the most "damage" to my mind was our house... or perhaps I should say "the uninvited guests in and around our house" instead? We moved here in 1994 and right from the start there were problems. The Devil Book was one issue that was dealt with (POORLY dealt with, but no turning back the clock now~ I'll touch back to this story in a future post, probably.), but no one really had any way of dealing for what my issue became. They just thought they were nightmares. I could never explain them in detail to express just how bad they were because I didn't have the words at that age to describe what I'd been seeing and feeling. How does a four year old explain having their skin peeled off? Or being thrown in a trunk in our own attic and left to starve to death? And actually FEELING your insides eating themselves? I'm living proof that the person who said "if you die in your dream, you die in real life" is full of bullshit. I've died more times than I can count! As I got older, I myself believed they were only nightmares and didn't mention them when I had them - which was usually three or four nights out of seven. I ignored it. I went back to sleep. Eventually, I got numb to it. Eventually, I even started laughing at them~
They'd been playing with me. They worked for fifteen years to get me to crack - to get me to make my nightmares reality and commit suicide - and it nearly worked. I kept myself functional, somehow. I managed to set up a sort of "wall" inside myself, and that's probably what kept me sane alive during that time. I was in deep depression, but alive. I feel as though I no longer feel emotion like a normal person, but I am still alive.
Then, about four years ago, I started getting DAYdreams of myself getting killed. I would go into something of a trace and see/feel myself getting massacred by whatever machine or animal or whatever was in my line of view. I thought I was truly losing my grip on reality... but I guess I held on long enough because I found my rope.
I befriend someone who, apparently, knew a spiritually-damaged mind when they met one. She went to my high school. Honestly, I hated her guts to begin with and came damn close to throwing the first punch quite a few times, but after about a year she became my friend. My only friend, at the time, but we still weren't exactly chummy. I had no trust in people, so it took me years (and meeting someone else online) to realize she really was a good friend of mine. Now that I think of it, my reaction to her may have been them (it?) trying to keep me - their toy - away from someone that they could sense as a threat. And, oh hell, did she turn out to be a threat! She's the reason I can write about this without worrying about what kind of torture I'd be put through tonight~ They used to get fairly pissed when I'd mention them to anyone. It's been about a year since she helped me repress them since they were too damn strong to get rid of... and I've never slept so good!
I was changed at that point. Different. But I honestly don't know anymore how much of this is truth or bullshit. I'm working on that part.
Still though... the damage had been done~ I am what I am now. My mind has been tainted and there's no reversing that~ I honestly don't think I'd WANT to reverse it. Not completely, anyway. I love being able to creep out my friends. I love laughing until my guts are sore about concepts that disgust or horrify others. I love being that one freaking lunatic at the movie theatre that's killing themselves laughing in a dead horror-struck silence~ Oh, yes, my nobodies of the internet - that was ME~
After all this though... I don't dream anymore. At least, nothing I remember. I sometimes wonder if that's an indicator to how screwed up I am deep down, but, since I don't have nightmares either, I consider it a fair trade~ This is just how I am now. I have my public face of a responsible member of the community that I use to work my part-time jobs and run my small business, then I have my true face which is far less... agreeable with the public eye~ Heheheh, a little 'Jackel and Hyde', anyone~?
And the List. Oh joy. All truths though so... what can I say? I'm controversial.
I'm a rather sadistic little soul~ Not to animals (animal-lover, thank you very much~), but towards the rather crude, barbaric race known as 'Humans'... or 'Homo Sapiens', if you prefer. Really, the scientific name is laughable. 'Wise man'? Maybe we should try the Latin for 'unbelievably ignorant man' instead. It would suit the general population a hell of a lot more~ Not that I'm claiming to be any better. I wallow in the same mud as the rest of you. Doesn't mean I'm not aware of what we really are~ I have issues with people. So sorry. Deal.
I'm Atheist and proud of it~ I do believe in respecting the power of mother nature though (she's a bitch and will be happy to prove it~). I also believe in reincarnation - energy cannot be stopped, after all, only transferred. It all ties into the cycle of life and all that... and shampoo of course: lather, rinse, and repeat~
I support the death penalty - by a bullet, not this lame-ass lethal injection crap that's more expensive than it should be to kill someone. Serial killers don't usually drive themselves into the poor house killing their victims, why can't the government follow THAT example? If we're going to go broke killing someone, at least make it amusing and make them explode or something. Life Sentence is 25 years in Canada. Bail and good behaviour can half it. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Some people are just better off dead. Simple.
I support mercy killings~ We put down animals when it is too cruel to keep them alive. Why does this not apply to humans? Are we really that scared of death that we'd force people to cling to a life not even worth living anymore? When the mind is rotten, let the shell go. Simple as that. Would you believe I was actually referring to my nanny here? She had dementia. She didn't know who we were anymore and her frustration would make her violent. She used to be such a sweet woman... and by the end she lashed out and attacked her own grand-kid. What kind of life is that? She should have been allowed to pass on from the start. There... was always a chance it's hereditary. I always feared... that would become me.
I believe true peace is a idealist concept since the root of human behaviour is aggression~ ...Though we could do with a little less war. Bush should be charged with War Crimes - HUZZAH! I knew I could tie that in somehow! It's pretty much a given that humans are going to obliterate themselves... ehhh, I'd say within the next half a century. If that. Watch the news. Tell me I'm wrong.
I believe that there are a few good people in this world who light the darkness with just their presence alone. I, obviously, am not one of these people... but I do know of one~
I believe in the supernatural - of ghosts and things tainted so darkly they're better described as demons. I suppose, to balance, I'd also have to say I believe in angels... but I'll simply point to the statement above this one and leave it at that. I also believe that humans have abilities and capabilities that we're unable to understand or grasp very well - gifts that we're born with. I've been told that I do have something, but am unable to grasp it with thanks to my "wall". Damn, hm? Actually, this sort of ties into 'Mind Over Matter' as well~ Think, Believe, Create~ Reality is only what we choose to see it as, young grasshopper~
I don't fear death. I could die ten minutes from now and be fine with it~ The only things that really creep me out are kids and clowns... *puts on a cheesy accent* They should all be destroyed~ *cue creepy grin*
I absolutely LOVE angst and gore~ It just... fascinates me. When that one guy exploded in the movie 'Watchmen', I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe when I saw that arm stuck to ceiling waving back and forth. Hello to you too~! Or when that guy on 'Jeepers Creepers' got beheaded on the bus and his body was lurching and jerking around like in some demented dance - HILARIOUS. Or in the Mummy when that fat asshole had a flesh eating scarab in his brain and ran himself into a wall screaming at the top of his lungs~ THAT was just plain awesome~ Or when Hannibal Lector hung that detective from the balcony, slicing his abdomen open beforehand so the guts splattered to the concrete below when the body jerked to a stop at the end of the rope~ Ah, good times~ Movies are such a good release for someone like me... and do I ever hate off-screen deaths! Those are just a tease...
I rely on Hollywood to appease me... when it doesn't, I turn to novels and fanfiction. When those don't do the trick, I either write my OWN fanfics (about 10x darker and more twisted than the original show) or I infect Gaia Online with some of my role-playing skills using the avatars of some of my favorite lunatics~ On my Franken Stein (anime: Soul Eater) account alone, I've been reported twice. Oops~
I don't deny my taste for destruction, of witnessing oblivion, of understanding human limits... but I hold true to what morals I do have. I would never break the hearts of those that are 'lighter' than me by... "experimenting". I recognize the line and will keep this side of it... even if I am painfully curious as to what is beyond it. I don't think I ever really understood what these words meant until I was caught up in the chaos myself. I can't say I was lying... but I'm not proud. At all. I am who I am... not much I can do about it.
And with that... I think this is enough for one post. Until next time, guinea pigs~
"The world will look up and shout 'save us'... and I will whisper... 'no'." Rorschach from Watchmen.