Thursday, December 1, 2011


...I'm not even sure how to explain this. Everything happened so damn fast and... fucking hell, I'm sorry, guys, I'm exhausted here so I'm going to keep this short...

She's okay. Let me start with that. Valerie is still alive. She's in stable condition and is finally sleeping. Just... not exactly the way I'd hoped she would do it. In a goddamn hospital bed...

Yesterday morning we were getting ready to hit the road again. Everything was packed. I'd just sat down for a little while to rest while Val continued to stare out the window in her usual daze. Nothing out of her behavior had changed since her little song in the car. She was exactly the same. Like nothing had happened. At all. And I would know. Cause I was watching... for literally any sign at all.

I couldn't have been sitting for two minutes before I suddenly had a cell phone dropped in my lap and Valerie just... breezed right passed me into the kitchen. Everything in me just... I don't know. It felt like a weight sunk right through me as I picked up the phone. I knew in my gut something was wrong. Or going to be wrong. Or fucking SOMETHING felt bad. I got up to follow her... but I only bolted when I realized the phone was calling out. And to which number.

I couldn't have followed her in by any more than a minute, but I'd only reached the doorway when I heard... when I heard a noise that I can't even describe. Yet it repeats in my head. Over and over and over again.

She'd stuck a fork in an outlet. She... electrocuted herself. I think I screamed, I really don't remember. What I do remember... is the grip that took hold of my chest. The panic. The kind of fear that I hadn't felt since That Night back at the farm. I was losing it all again. AGAIN. I was USELESS again while someone I cared about was...

The... last person I have. Valerie is the last person I have. And I have the image of her body jerking and spasming scorched into my mind. It's right there now. Right there along my dad. Brothers. Tasha and Hailey. Kent. All of them... fucking ALL of them and Valerie's face is there now too. She's there and it scares the holy hell out of me. I'm SUPPOSED to die FIRST dammit! I can't lose her like I lost them. I can't.

A part of that goes blank for me, cause the next thing I remember is leaning over her on the floor talking/yelling at her and checking for a pulse.

There wasn't one.

Her... eyes were still open. She was staring at me. Blank. Empty. Dead. God, I couldn't take it... I just...

I heard the a 911 operator answer their end of the call. I pinned the phone between my head and my shoulder and started chest compressions as I told them where we were. The paramedics showed up before too long. I told them I was family - her cousin - so I could ride with her. Thinking back, I'm surprised I actually thought about it... but I basically bullshitted my way through their questions. Anything to just stay. I wasn't going to leave her.

They got her heart going on the way to the hospital. Thank God.

She's been sleeping ever since.

I know this is my fault. I should have moved quicker... I should... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.


  1. Don't beat yourself up, this one wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known what she was going to do.

  2. I... thank you. You're right. I know you are, but... I guess I'd just rather hold the blame than admit I can't control the situation as good as I want to...